[on a date]
him: I just want someone who isn’t obsessed with their phone
me: *slowly slides the 20 ft charger I was about to plug into the restaurant wall back into my purse*
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30s: Oh look, a dance floor!
50s: Oh look, a couch!
Imagine having a day like Jim Carrey in Liar Liar where you’re incapable of lying. I bet you’d all stay off Twitter for the day?
When Sting dies I’m calling him Stung.
It’s important for me to teach my kids to be independent & self-reliant, cause I won’t be around forever, especially if I win the lottery.
What’s good for the Michigoose is good for the Michigander
your body is a ghost factory that takes one lifetime to produce a ghost
The fastest way to teach a kid to ride a bike is to strap their feet to the pedals and chase them with broccoli.
Her: My computer is running so slow!
Me: Really? How many browser tabs do you have open?
Her:
Me: Is it less than 500?
Her: Never mind.
Wait. Those Nigerian girls are still missing??
What about that really cool hashtag we made?
They didn’t free them when they saw it??
You may be little now, but don’t be discouraged. Someday, you’ll be a man just like me.
*baby starts crying*
Went to work without a drop of makeup on… walked by a mirror and said good morning thinking that was someone else.
People ask “how did the Victorians come up with crazy stories like Dracula and Dorian Gray” and then you realize literally everything was poison. The wallpaper was coated in arsenic, babies were given opium for teething problems, you could die from wearing a hat
My daughter is grounded for eternity and she just asked me the life expectancy of an adult male who smokes cigarettes and drinks too much coffee…
An app where you and your SO swipe left and right on restaurants until there’s a match. No talking, no negotiation. Who’s building this?
I bet ghost anatomy is an easy course
Mary had a little lamb. The doctors are all really confused.
[Plays air guitar]
[Dodges air panties]
Lionel Richie: hello.
Adele: it’s me.
Lionel Richie: is it me you’re looking for?
Adele: I was wondering if after all these years you’d like to meet?
Lionel Richie: holy shit *covers phone* now what the hell do I say?
I’ve accepted that I’ll probably never say “I’d love to” without sounding sarcastic.
I just told my boss that “STFU” stands for “Sincere Thanks For Understanding” and it’s REALLY important that none of you tell him otherwise
There is no “I” in TEAM. But there is MEAT.
Delicious meat.
[game night]
date: do you have siblings?me: *flips table*
date: so you’re the youngest
Officer, if I can’t stand in the shoulder of the road, screaming and crying, then maybe they shouldn’t call it the breakdown lane.
[pirate ship capturing another ship]
Pirate: Prepare to be bored!
Other Captain: Don’t you mean boarded?
*pirate opens stamp collection*
Van lifers be like “we converted our minivan into a mobile home for our family of 12 with 7 pets!”
1yo: Jesus Jesus Jesus!
Me: OMG are you saying Jesus!?
1yo: Jesus!
Me:Oh my God….
1yo: Jesus!
Me: she’s…. a prophet!
1yo: Jesus!!
Me: Show me! Where is Jesus!
1yo:*points* Jesus!!
Me: cheez-its??… cheez-its! You want cheez-its?
1yo: yes! Jesus.
The first time I ever went to a Catholic Church the fire alarms went off when I sat down. I can take a hint Jesus.
so unrealistic when scary movies show an empty rocking chair rocking back and forth. there should be a pile of laundry on it
[buys ghostbusters ringtone]
ME: who ya gonna call?
[1 hour later]
ME: who ya gonna call?!
[2 days later]
ME: *sobbing* I am so lonely