Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Mother’s maiden name: Mom
Mother’s first name: Mom
Mother’s last name: Mom

Why do they even asks such dumb questions?

It’s pretty stupid how tube socks come in a resealable bag as if I’m not going to eat them all in one sitting.

Me: I’m really enjoying this disaster movie.
Him: That’s the news.

It’s funny to me when a movie character takes a drink of hard liquor “to clear my head” or “so I can think straight,” like that isn’t the exact opposite of how alcohol works.

Excuse me waiter, but there’s an F-35 in my soup

Not to brag but the USA has nicer neighbors than Canada.

*Weird bird sound in the distance*

4 year old: “what’s that ?”

Me who knows nothing about birds: “well that’s a juvenile red tailed warbler thing a majig calling out to its mom for a snack”

4: nods head knowingly with a head full of misinformation

DAUGHTER, AGE 6: My legs are running away from the ghosts of my feet!

ME: Ha ha, you’re so silly

[later]

ME: *waking her up at 2am* Sweetie, Daddy has several questions

The most common things I say to my kids, by store:

Grocery store: “No, you don’t need more candy.”

Toy store: “No, you don’t need more toys.”

Hardware store: “No, you don’t need a nail gun.”

My daughter’s coach described her attack approach as whimsical and gallop-y.

my garbage family is staging an intervention or something for me because i forgot what its called when people have a chin made out of hair

can y’all stop breaking each others hearts, the gym is getting too packed

Eve: I think we should see other people.

Adam: There’s other people here?

Eve: No.

A: What the…

E: Sshh! Don’t make this difficult.

*uses 2 pens to tap out the drum solo from In The Air Tonight by Phil Collins during my disciplinary with HR

Relationship status: The pizza is late and I’m worried

“How can I improve my cooking skills?”

Reddit: ummm methinks it was too hot in the kitchen for someone

Quora: Practice , avoid getting divorced that where it went down hill for me … [1/50]

Google A.i search result: Leave the gas burners on over night and kill any witnesses

I took my toddler on a 2 mile hike so confident it would tire him out, we finally made it back to our car and he asked if we could go one more time.

ME: i’m nervous
WIFE: don’t be. just be confident
[later]
BOSS: so do you think you’d be right for the job
ME: *confidently* no

A girl with kaleidoscope eyes sounds horrifying.

[noir detective voice] I knew she was a ghost the second she walked through my door

Where does the Easter Bunny lay his eggs?!

In the grass..

So WHAT DO WE SMOKE TO CELEBRATE?!

[all the children]

Grass??

Yessssss.

receiving reports today that there are “some men” who sit to pee. these men are not real men. real men lie down.

I have a plan. I bring him home ,but don’t sleep with him.
Long story short he pays for the taxi.

When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.

Steps to getting into her pants:
1) Wait for her to fall asleep
2) Take her pants off
3) Put them on yourself
4) Find a top that matches

sure sex is great but have you ever pulled the pamphlet from a cassette/cd case and realized from the thickkkkkness you just scored the lyrics?

No matter how spicy your sex life is …

If he’s a two-thymer; cumin in that
ginger Rosemary, my sage advice …

would bay to leaf him.

On average I spend about $80 a year to watch bananas turn brown.

TRUTHFUL TUESDAY:
When my son was 7 he pissed me off so badly I pressed all the elevator buttons knowing every new rider would blame him.

How early do I need to start thawing the cat for Thanksgiving?