Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

God: so you shoot them with the arrows

Cupid: yes

God: and then they fall in love

Cupid: right

God: with other compatible people

Cupid: uh well-

God: who will love them back

Cupid:

God:

Cupid: sure

[at bar]
“Yeah I pulled down a solid 6 figs last year.”
Whoa that’s impressive!
“I know, right! Can’t believe I got fired by that fig farm.”

I want you to know that whatever problems you’re having I’m hear to ‘like’ them. 🙃

“Asparagus!!!” – italian guy named Gus pleading for his life

daredevil: [standing in the rain with his girlfriend] i may be blind, but my echolocation allows me to picture you perfectly

her: oh so like you’ll use the sound of the raindrops to-

daredevil: [just starts screaming into her face]

My 42 yr old friend is dating a 24 yo guy, she caught him cheating so she took away his play station for a week

I want my funeral to be invitation only. There are people I don’t want to be around even if I’m dead.

4-year-old: Dad?

Me: What? I’m trying to sleep.

4:

Me:

4: What’s the phone number for the firefighters?

Now I’m awake.

[last supper]

jesus: from now on it’s called dinner

Thanks to autocorrect, I told someone to be the cheese they want to see in the world. But maybe that’s an improvement?

For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…

Because I’m on diet, I only ate half of a donut and saved the other half for 2 minutes later.

My dealer told me everytime i use a reusable container instead of giving me a new baggie he’ll give me a discount and thats what i call loyalty to the planet.

DIVING INSTRUCTOR: Does anyone know how to defend a shark attack?

ME: I would say the shark was just acting on instinct & couldn’t help it

[Antiques Roadshow]
This mirror frame is a classic Victorian style, but the ghosts in the reflection are wearing Edwardian clothes so the glass was likely replaced

My 8yo (a qualitative soul): How cool is THAT!!
Me (a quantitative soul): *reaches for thermometer*

Does anyone want to get married to me? Asking for a friend.

I thought maybe we could try to make it on Dateline as a a couple.

Quick! Everyone on Facebook is at church! Let’s go steal all their shit!

Me: *driving*

My mom at every turn:

y’all make fun of men without bed frames but guess who physically can’t have monsters under the bed now, huh?

You do you.

I’m gonna do me.

*married sex

Getting arrested must suck! Not only do you get arrested, you have to make a phone call!!

It’s simple …..when life throws you assholes..rip them a new one.

crazy how before dating apps the only way to meet someone was to bump headfirst into them while carrying a huge stack of important papers

Me: c’mon get back in the car

Serial killer vehemently shakes his head no

Whenever I watch a home invasion thriller, I’m mostly terrified by how I’ll never be able to afford to own a home.

One of the best things about the internet is that it’s very easy to claim credit for things you had no part in. It’s one of the reasons I invented it

ME: Just don’t touch my Pop Tarts and we’ll be okay
PRIEST: *stunned* I’d like to remind everyone that the couple chose to write their own vows

Documentaries not only expand my world views, but also compel me to change my behavior for a solid 24-36 hours.