[on a date]
me: so anyway…i just don’t understand mass murderers. whatever happened to quality over quantity?
him: CHECK PLEASE
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Them: if lemonade has real lemons in it, do you think gatorade has actual gators in it?
Me: *drinking poisonade* oh shit
I feel pretty smart until I realize the wild ducks I’m surprised by on my neighbor’s lawn are metal lawn ornaments he’s had for 5 years.
I’m not crazy, I’m just mentally spicy.
you should be allowed to list your landlord as a dependant
Overheard on the bus:
“Stop eavesdropping on our conversation, it’s creepy and you won’t get any funny tweets out of it”
Dangerously attractive guitars get added to the sexy fenders register.
There’s a fly in the den so my cat is reenacting the Matrix
(Couples therapy)
-Listen to me, buying matching bagels isn’t going to help
Dude tried to pick me up at the gym but I was like bro I’m dying just let me lay here
Someone should figure out how to turn children arguing into energy. We would be able to power the whole damn world.
At conference w/ teacher
Me:…what’s wrong with how 7yo spells states?
Teacher:(to 7yo) spell Ohio
7yo: Ohio, O-H-I-O, Ohio
Teacher: good, now spell Oklahoma
7yo: (sings) Oklahoma, O-K-L-A-H-O-M-A, Oklahoooooooma, YEAH!
Teacher:
Me: what? That’s how I learned it
#Dadlife
A lady was spanking her kid for being a total brat in the grocery store so I had to step in and ask her if she needed me to hold her purse.
basketball’s all like gimme that pumpkin i need it and golf is all like ***k this egg imma hit it into the sun
The Real Housewives franchise would be better if the season troublemaker got thrown in a volcano
If I’m wearing the mask here’s how to tell If I’m smiling: I’m not.
*a ship carrying pineapples gets wrecked*
Government: Housing infrastructure for SpongeBobs was delivered directly to them, cutting out all the red tape, and middlemen.
My wife calls me a busy beaver ‘cause every time I sit on the toilet I build a damn.
Date: Don’t tell anyone we met online. It’s embarrassing.
[Later]
Friend: Where’d you guys meet?
Me: Family reunion
Me: hey, I’m looking for an email.
iPhone mail: this one from 2012, unrelated to your search?
Me: no it was last week
iPhone: can’t find it.
My cat killed a mouse, walked away and looked back at me. I don’t feel safe anymore.
can you start monday at 8?
“yes, thank you for the opportunity”
[calls new boss at his home on sunday night]
hello?
“am or pm?”
One day my neighbors will tell a news crew, “She was nice except she barked for an hour every night at midnight.”
When my boyfriend gives me a hug during an argument, it looks loving, but I’m just patting him down to make sure he’s not wearing a wire.
In a previous life I may have been a carrier pigeon, in that all I ever think about is going home.
Just donated blood. I hope whoever gets it likes wine.
*elbows date in ribs*
“see that asterisk next to the ‘have it your way’ slogan?”
where it says “within reason?”
“that’s because of me”
Be the reason someone gets out of bed in the morning, even if it is just to make sure the door is locked.
Super irresponsible to host a murder mystery party when real murders go unsolved
5yo just abandoned his post as goalie so he could confirm we would be getting Chipotle for dinner. Because he is my child.
Willy Wonka: Welcome to my chocolate factory!
Kid: I love chocolate!
Willy Wonka: It’s death for you. I also make gum!
Next kid: I love gum!
Willy Wonka: Death. Anyone else here love anything?
Next kid: … I like TV?
Willy Wonka: ………… Death.