Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The clearest evidence that I’ve gone insane is the fact that I pay monthly for a land line.

Me: I pull a sword from my forehead
Nerd: Not realistic
M: so dungeons and dragons are real?
N: …
M: so, I pull a sword from my forehead

On Amazon looking for a cat water fountain and 😂😂😂

I won a cozy blanket at work today and pissed off a lot of people. It was awesome.

One time, when the kids were teenagers,
we tried to ditch them on a family holiday.

It didn’t work, unfortunately.

They found us.

Hot air balloon operator: How long a ride do you want?

Me: Can we stay up for 12 to 18 months?

Him: You’re not the sharpest tool in the shed, are you darlin?

Me: HOW DARE Y… Wait, did you just call me darlin

Guys named Hugh are 75% ugh

I hate being an adult … I thought it was just a phase.

Purgatory but it’s just my daughter trying to count to 10 but stopping at 7 and starting over

The escalator at the gym is broken, this is BULLSHIT.

“OMG THE CORN IS SHOOTING AT US”
– inventor of popcorn

Me: I feel like we haven’t talked much lately. Why don’t we talk more often?

My husband: We can talk and fold laundry together later if you want.

Me: …

Him: …

Me: “I don’t want to talk to you” takes so much less time to say.

Him: How have you lived this long?

If the first rule of fight club is not talking about fight club, how did fight club ever get off the ground?

My workout schedule:

1. Run half mile
2. 10 reps of 5 lb. hand weights
3. 35 year break
4. Protein shake
5. Repeat

[murder scene]

DETECTIVE: Let’s run through the suspects.
PARTNER: Okay.
DETECTIVE: Who’s the most likely?
PARTNER: The husband, for sure.
DETECTIVE: Who else?
PARTNER: Her business partner.
DETECTIVE: And, the least likely?
PARTNER: *shrugs* Tom Hanks, I guess.

[Ariel climbs Rapunzel’s hair with a dinglehopper between her teeth]

“There can only be one socially awkward Princess,” she vows savagely.

With 8 coupons I watched my grocery bill go from $301.57 to $299.37. Man, what a rush.

I should probably just learn a skill instead of waiting around for a malevolent spirit to take over my consciousness or whatever.

Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. Sweating and panting while trying to open this Amazon package, however…

A teacher grabbed my arm in the 3rd grade and pulled me to the back of the line. When I asked what I did, she said you know what you did. I’m 47 and I still don’t know.

Ohhh so you don’t hate peaches. You just hate peaches that aren’t on MY plate. Got it.

– Me, to the 5 yr old

Racism is alive and well. I entered a plane and a white lady started freaking out. I laughed so hard my grenades fell out of my pocket.

Especially if it’s THAT one … 🤣

Boss: Can I have a quick word?

Me: Rapid

Boss:

Woman on the mom forum wants to start a weekly play date club (good idea!) and another woman chimed in:

“Is it so you can steal information about women’s husbands so you can cheat with them, like how you cheated with mine?”

And now my Sunday just got MUCH more interesting!

Whenever there’s a bee trapped inside my house, I always open all the doors and windows so all the other bees can join it and it doesn’t die alone.

Mmmm. Shoeshi

Finding Nemo 2? I swear, if that kid gets lost again Finding Nemo 3 better be where child services locks the dad up for extreme negligence.

Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I’m making a quinoa and kale-
Me: [already at McDonald’s]