[on a date]
me: so anyway…i just don’t understand mass murderers. whatever happened to quality over quantity?
him: CHECK PLEASE
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Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
I probably should stop talking about how dumb my dog is considering he’s been homeschooled his whole life.
Any grown man whose mustache is a different color than his head hair is automatically qualified to be the conductor of a magical train.
Dad law states that you can use your kids’ piggy bank money to pay the ice cream truck. Especially when your wife and kids aren’t home.
The automatic toilet flushed while I was still peeing.
Apparently my superpower is being invisible.
My daughter just asked me to go in a corn maze with her, and now she is telling me stories about serial killers, and if I don’t make it out she is definitely my favorite child and also probably the killer
A little boy looked at my tie the other day and told me that he really liked my leash.
I hope to stop crying soon.
It turns out that when you’re asked which kid is your favorite, you’re expected to pick from your own. I know that now.
*Tinkerbell sprinkling pixie dust*
Remember Peter, give me a call if it last longer than 4 hours.
ME: What would you like to name your new cat?
KID: Dog.
ME: But it’s a cat.
KID: That’s the cat’s problem.
I just used a recipe to make porridge and the last step was “Leave the house for a while.”
My TC has found the love of her life. Her husband disagrees but her boyfriend is happy. I am so conflicted right now 😭
I should be able to preheat my bed like an oven
You telling me these peas gave someone a black eye?
No thanks, fantasy football. I already have a fantasy boyfriend, a fantasy sex life & a fantasy bank account.
I’m good.
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
i say she should just show up at they olympics and run anyway… who gonna catch her?
“Let It Go” performed by Rose and Jack from Titanic. Mostly by Rose, though.
5yo [pulling a baby hat out of a drawer]: Why do we have this? Is this for when we have more babies?
Me: Ye-
Husband: NO MORE BABIES.
we should absolutely get off work for Leap Day. you’re making me clock in on february 29th? a totally made up day? time is an illusion and so is capitalism. i’m going to the park
Cleaning the rocks of the earth one load of my kids’ laundry at a time
The only way a “staycation” sounds good is if the rest of my family takes a “leavecation”
told my girl I was going to a wine tasting, now she’s coming and I was just gonna eat a dead bird and some expired cat food behind a Costco
box: meow
schrodinger: ignore that
Day 3 in the desert: I have somehow gained the respect of some birds as they are circling above me in some sort of protective formation
*looks at calendar*
*looks at stomach*
*looks at calendar*
Guess I’m telling people I’m pregnant again this summer.
[Cute Girl]: *in hot tub* Hey baby. Why don’t you come join me?
[Lobster]: No I’m good over here. That’s how my dad died.
One of the scariest things is when you say something that forces your wife to take off her glasses before she responds.
A jellyfish can go its entire lifetime without ever meeting a peanutbutterfish
My husband just said the words every woman loves to hear, “Let’s order pizza tonight.”