Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What kind of rifle do comedians use?

JK47’s.

Shoot me.

Me: hands up, this is a robbery?

7-11 cashier:

Therapist: what did we talk about

Me: (firmly) this is a robbery.

STRANGER: she has a book. cute and smart
ME: [taking a bite of the small layer cake i made to look like a book]
STRANGER: a stunning genius

THERAPIST: In healthy relationships, couples aren’t afraid to ask questions in the bedroom

ME (having sex): babe what’s the capital of azerbaijan?

I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one at auction today.

I’ve had him about an hour now.

Anyway….. Monkey for Sale.

BOSS: lunch on me today. any ideas?
“pizza”
“sushi”
ME: *suspicious that jeff in HR is an anteater* ants?
[i stare at jeff for his reaction]

one time i couldn’t go to church because i was too busy describing a grilled cheese sandwich to a police sketch artist

Wife is painting the upstairs bedrooms. It’s not in my nature to sit still while she slaves away so I went up and complained about the color

Fact: Chihuahuas shake so much because their blood is two thirds Red Bull.

Gas station lines at 2 am:

“When I was your age, I already owned a house”

A zombie apocalypse would barely make the news.

Seriously, ladies. If you just stop sleeping with douchebags eventually their species will go extinct. Look at the big picture here.

my HOA sent me a complaint about weeds being in my front yard and they took a picture of me….pulling the weeds…..and sent it to me saying I needed to do something about it ???? omfg

Thinking about getting married? My wife got mad at me for doing all the yard work because we are in a fitbit step challenge together.

Mistakes were made

What rhymes with Autoerotic Asphyxiation? Writing an obituary is hard.

My daughter and I decided to play Monopoly, and we’ve been arguing about the rules for the last hour.

Cristina Aguilera: “You’re beautiful! No matter what they say!”

Me: “Wait, what do they say?”

Just spent 15 minutes on my knees.
Now, the bathtub is spotless.

i am fine with my casket + dead body being dug up by grave robbers as long as they do it in the style of an unboxing video

Nobody will remember:
– your salary
– how “busy you were”
– how many hours you worked

People will remember:
-The mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell.

[babies txting]
“my dad’s thumb just came off”
lol wtf 😂
“wait its back on again nvm”
ok lmao
“he just stole my nose”
im phoning the police

“Let’s just kill ALL the characters”

-Game of Thrones

Wife: I finally caught you. I could hear it from the other room. You were watching a dirty movie. Me: No. Its just womens tennis.

Gonna flirt with an electrician by calling them electrocute

I tried being the bigger person but all it got me was type 2 diabetes.

[Interview]

“Describe yourself in one word.”

Me: Lethargic.

She argues in Italian
She sings to you in French
She yells at you in German
In tones that make you clench
The girl is complicated
And very hard to please
When you disappoint her
She

breaking: schrute farms has banned kanye, no beets for him.