* on a date snuggling *
Me: Did you enjoy dinner?
Her: Yeah, but now I feel fat.
Me: Get your hands off my belly.
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Apparently, Indian banks will give you a loan only if you prove that you don’t need it.
“Over my dead body” doesn’t mean “no.” It means I get to do what I want and as a bonus I get to kill you.
[job interview]
“I’ll never hire you”
ME: [swordfighting a field mouse] Is it cuz I’m swordf-
NO IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE LOSING TO A FIELD MOUSE
Knowing that Tolkien’s original name for Frodo was Bingo, this is all I can think of whenever I watch this scene.
I need a man who talks as fast as Kevin Hart. I got shit to do.
I get why she built the pillow wall in our bed…but the barbed wire seemed a bit extreme.
Me: Oh this is a cute selfie!
Brain: Look again
Me: No, you’re right I’m a monster
Brain: As you were
Me: Yes ma’am
I received a basketball in the mail from Amazon. I haven’t played basketball in 20 years but apparently drunk me thinks I’m Michael Jordan.
Welcome to Twitter 2 point Uh oh.
Everything becomes normal eventually. Think of the most beautiful spot on earth, the place you would give your left arm to see just once before you die. There’s a tour guide who works there, and he wakes up every morning thinking, “Oh god, not this shit again.”
After significant research, I can confirm that toddlers will not go away if you ignore them.
The restaurant scene from When Harry Met Sally, but just me getting a pat down from airport security.
Girls hate it when you give them Christmas presents with an implied expectation, like an iron, a food processor, or knee pads.
I come from a time of excessive Durans.
I just found $11 in my pocket and then mentally spent about $187 of it.
HER: Promise you won’t overreact?
ME: Yes.
H: They said that you were a little dramatic.
M: Swirls cape and plays long organ chord. “Fools!”
My wife & I play this sexy game where she dresses up like a schoolgirl, then I dress up like a schoolgirl then we sit down & learn fractions
Heard the local weatherman say, “high in the thirties” & now I know the title to my autobiography.
[with my final breath] Tell my wife that I loved..the economy
the other day a bartender told me his high school did a performance of RENT where they couldn’t say AIDS so all the characters had diabetes
if you love something, set it free. If it immediately bites your throat and drags you up a tree, you love a leopard and should try to escape
This girl told me that eating a cake is the best way to calm you down.
I bet she never tried smashing it over someone’s face.
I have made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I’ve never made a bad sandwich. From now on I will make no more decisions only sandwiches.
{Me as a therapist}
HIM: Women don’t like me.
ME: Have you tried becoming a dress with pockets?
My cat killed a mouse, walked away and looked back at me. I don’t feel safe anymore.
Oh my God.
WAITER: soup or salad?
CLARK KENT: *sweating nervously* just a REGULAR salad for a REGULAR guy please ha ha. nothing super about it…
Batman V Superman 2:
Both men agree their last battle was too destructive
They settle their differences by playing Uno
Loser leaves earth