Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: can I get a Coke please

Waiter: we only serve Pepsi here

Me: how about a lemonade then

Waiter: sir… we only serve Pepsi here

[cut to guy at the next table eating a plate of Pepsi]

Was standing in my front yard this evening and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.

My dad can get into “dad-mode” sometimes. He’s a doctor who is worried about the virus, and told me, his 24 year old son, in a 5 min rant that this isn’t the time to be trying to have a lot of “play-dates”. So if you were trying to play after school im sorry my dad said we cant

Things will be fine, eventually, in thousands of years, for rocks

i wonder if jesus thinks about me when he’s on the toilet or if it’s a one way street

Me: Could I trouble you for a knife?

Waiter, knowing that all they have is 10,000 spoons: I have some inexplicably bad news.

You can’t spell dyslexia without sexy.

You know you’ve outstayed your welcome when a British person asks “what time’s your train?”

oh you’re bisexual? name every man and woman

Make someone’s head explode by accusing them of being in denial, then nodding condescendingly as they try to deny it.

Facebook: losing friends.
Twitter: gaining friends
Instagram: gaining weight

[Flirting in a bar]

ME: Did it hurt…

HER: …

ME: …when you fell down from that balcony?

PARAMEDIC: Sir, I won’t ask again

If not for the cowardly actions of John Wilkes Booth, Abraham Lincoln would have turned 207 today.

VICTIM: He had a beard & a scar
SKETCH ARTIST: Is this him?
VICTIM: That’s Bart Simpson
SKETCH ARTIST: Yeah I can only draw a couple things

ME: check out this cordless trimmer

BARBER: stop calling me that.

The moment I met my mother-in-law, I could instantly tell that she was the type to unfairly judge me.

[Super soldier program]
SCIENTIST: We’ve given you an enhanced cybernetic arm.
ME: So I can take pies out of the oven without mitts.
SCIENTIST: More—more for killing people.
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME: But I can also—
SCIENTIST: Yes you can also use it for the pie thing.

If my boyfriend really cared about me, he’d stop being imaginary…

That’s it, teachers. Keep gloating on Facebook about your snow day. You’ll see my kids tomorrow after their breakfast of Coke & Pixy Stix.

I used to have a friend who was trying to name her soon-to-be-born son, and she confided in me that the hardest part of pregnancy was not drinking. I suggested she name the kid “Chip,” like an AA chip, and I laughed and laughed. We’re not friends anymore

The way my son reacts when I approach his face with a tissue is the way you’d react if I approached your face with a nailgun.

Why didn’t Dorothy tell the Cowardly Lion about liquid courage?

just because it’s a bad idea doesn’t mean that it ain’t gonna be a hell of a lot of fun

I just feel like you shouldn’t be using a selfie stick unless you’re a T-Rex.

Not now, I’m looking up fun crafts you can make with nuclear waste on Pinterest

[mysterious British man rescues me]

Me: How?

Him: Bond [introducing himself as we leave prison], bail bond.

This spider just got away from me because I made the classic villain mistake of telling him my whole evil plan before killing him.

Woah!!! You’re a much fatter family than the stick figures on your rear window would indicate!

It’s interesting growing up and discovering that most adults are not that clever. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.

Just been made aware of the fact that some people are unironically referring to the General Election as the Jenny Lec and, I’ll be honest, I’m not coping too well with this awful information.