Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: so.. you know how you sometimes misplace stuff

wife: where’s the baby

The wife & I fought last night. Saying things that can’t be taken back. Like perishable goods. Baby food. DVDs with broken seals. Underwear.

Should I be annoyed or smug that I continually show up in the LinkedIn recruiter search of the company that laid me off

Peanut butter
You’re almost as good as chocolate
Which is almost as good as cheese
Which is tied with vodka

-Poem about the food pyramid

If Domino’s was smart, they’d randomly call me asking if they should send over a pizza because the answer would always be yes.

My wife said we would save money on Halloween candy if we bought it at Aldi so I guess we’re handing out Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.

Slowly crawl towards your sleeping dog, put your face directly next to its face, and whisper “I know it’s been you shitting in my yard.”

me: *popping balloons*
kid: you’re mean
me: do YOU want to smuggle the heroin

I like the song Cake by The Ocean
I just read this is their euphemism for “sex on the beach”

You offer me cake
and there damn well
better be cake

One thing I like about hiking is taking an uber to the woods and saying thanks and getting out of the car and disappearing into the trees as if I have an appointment somewhere deep in the forest

I wanna rock and roll for 20 minutes tops and party for as long as it takes to seem normal before leaving without saying goodbye to anyone

thank you for bringing your bluetooth speaker to the beach, i was concerned the ocean would be too soothing

Bully: This town isn’t big enough for the 2 of us!
Me: Oh yeah?
Bully: Yeah!
Me: Come at me bro *opens town expansion plan* and look at this

Waldo has a tough time at the gym because no one spots him

Hello darkness, my old friend. It’s time to eat all the carbs again

Use your whole data plan each month. There are children in China that have no data plan

Me: Can you do MyFitnessPal with me?

Husband: *immediately loses 8lbs*

if you mesopotamia, you better cleanupotamia

If pigs do eventually fly I bet they’ll take off from airporks.

Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.

If I was a girl named Isis, I’d be pissed that half the people decided to change my name to Isil.

My shetland pony was all black and we called him Midnight. His sister was not quite as dark and her name was Eleven Thirty.

TEACHER: That’s the third time this week – please explain your tardiness

ME: Well, it basically means that I’ve been late

Wife: you’ve hardly touched your dinner…talk to me.

Me: *sigh* I can’t keep teaching zoology, Susan. I’m so tired of answering stupid questions.

Waiter: how does the chicken taste?

Me: WITH ITS TONGUE

[airport]

GF: I guess this is goodbye

ME: I told you, I’m not very good at goodbyes

GF: [crying] Goodbye

ME: [trying real hard] Hello

Margot Robbie has welcomed her first child, a boy, People reports.

Coach: Sorry, you didn’t make the team this year, pal.

Me: Oh, who got the last spot?

Coach: Umm

Me: Why is that golden retriever over there shooting free throws?

My son just told me he wasn’t a huge chicken fan and I told him I too prefer normal sized chickens and then my wife called the cops.

Comedians should be funny (agree with my politics) instead of being political (not agreeing with my politics)

Good morning