* on a date snuggling *
Me: Did you enjoy dinner?
Her: Yeah, but now I feel fat.
Me: Get your hands off my belly.
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Maybe a ninja is fighting a chameleon right in front of you.
Ever think of that??
me working on my assignments ^-^
4 in 3 people have syphilis. Look to your left. Look to your right. One of you has syphilis twice.
Leonardo DiCaprio is totally getting laid tonight! This has nothing to do with the Oscar, just a safe assumption to make each and every day.
Bottles of beer on the wall, red balloons, and Jay Z’s problems wish former President Jimmy Carter a happy birthday.
oh shit
Things drunk me has in common with toddlers:
– no idea where my shoe is
– demands McDonalds
– won’t shut up about dinosaurs
– not allowed to have a whistle
Doctor: “You have an arrhythmia.”
Me: “Wow, most people tell me I can’t dance.”
LEAD ARCHAEOLOGIST: Okay, the bones are fragile, so we want to brush very gently and remember not to, say, put them in our mouths or anything.
DOG ARCHAEOLOGIST: I can tell you’re talking about me and that’s offensive.
It’s cute how my psychiatrist pretends I’m not an international sex symbol who moonlights as a super assassin.
The bathroom stall at a place like Costco really has no business being out of toilet paper.
Some cultures fear that when someone takes your photograph they steal your soul.
You should be fine, though.
Bryan Adams: in the summer of ‘69
Danny Zuko: I remember it well because my mouth got all sandy
[ from bed ]
*accio coffee*
damnit it didn’t work again
please stand back I’m about to make this worse
Listen google, it’s 2015. I need you to figure out who I’m talking about when I type “that one guy in that movie I didn’t like.”
“I JUST WANT TO PUT A BABY IN YOU!”
-me, trying to put a crib together
Me: I only wanted a little mayo! I can’t eat this!
Him: Does it matter that much?
Me: Well, would you like me to stab you a little or a lot?
Why did the cup of tea I made you explode in your face?
I used Michael Bay leaves.
I’ll leave.
teacher: there’s no such thing as a stupid question
me: are sharks just mean dolphins
teacher: ok i was wrong
If you fall asleep long enough the steering wheel gives you a pillow.
Skynet: Send a Terminator to 1984.
[5 minutes later]
Skynet: Okay, nothing changed. Send the way better liquid terminator to 1991.
friend: you’re pregnant! do you know what you’re having?
wife: we think it’s-
me: snakes. we think it’s snakes
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
Clerk: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here.
Clerk: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
“I know you! You were one of the bad guys in Titanic!” I yelled at the ocean, who ignored me like most celebrities.
Welcome to Twitter. It’s like cooking spaghetti: Throw your noodle at the wall to see if something sticks.
Thought my husband’s new soap was a block of cheese, and now I’m disappointed and he wants to know why it’s slightly chilled
Vacation is a time when every part of you can relax except your bowels.
For anyone who needs this today
TWITTER IS NOT BACK IN BRAZIL YET
IT WAS A BUGQUICK I DONT HAVE MUCH TIME
THE KRABBY PATTY SECRET FORMULA IS-