Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I quit my job this week to pursue my dreams.

I can never remember my dreams so this is going to be interesting.

this guy on tiktok rated emergency alarm sounds from different countries and there’s no reason it should be this funny 💀

“Funerals are for the living”? Dude you’re doing it wrong

poor people rarely die from ski related injuries

[Amazon marketing emails]

‘BUY BOOKS!’ *delete*

‘BUY CD’s & DVD’s!’ *delete*

‘BUY TABLETS & PCs!’ *delete*

‘BUY HOME DEFIBRILATORS!’ *del—*

*looks in mirror*

Hmm *—add to basket*

One big plot hole in X-Men is that Wolverine is over 100 yrs old but there’s never been a point in history when that was a hairstyle.

Have kids so you can get weird compliments like “You look nice in that dress, like a Saturday raisin.”

can someone please help me, i’m still at the fyre festival

I never had to swim for my life in a shark attack but once I had to doggy-paddle really fast to get out of a pool when it was dessert time.

The kids wanted the Zero Gravity Laser Racer, a toy car that follows a laser.

I handed them a flashlight and pointed at the cat.

Please no more tweets from critics that are like “Wow, just watched an embargoed TV show. But I can’t tell you which show or whether the wow is good or bad.” What are we meant to do with these tweets. This is what texting your colleagues is for

I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers

How is it that I, a young, single, man with a good job and his own apartment, cannot find a swordsman skilled enough to grant me a warrior’s death?

So we’re overreacting today? Alright then …

my doctor: you should snack less, it can really hurt you in the long run

me: *nodding* no more running, got it

I wish I could literally LMAO..That sounds like a lot more fun than 90 minutes at the gym.

They grow up so fast. One day they are tiny babies, the next they are pulling out of the driveway, and you’re all “oh no oh god how did the toddler get the car keys???”

If you’re wondering if humans are idiots we hunt ducks with guns when they will walk right up to you if you have bread

If candy bars can be called cereal bars to make them sound healthy then why can’t alcohol be called cereal drink?

How good at basketball do you have to be to get a COVID test

me: dating is hard

me on a date: i call my iphone lois lane bc it doesn’t recognize me with my glasses on either.

did you get the job?
“i don’t know yet”
when will they tell you?
interviewer: “keith can you please ask your mum to wait in reception”

Hold that thought while I slip into something more comfortable.

*moves to Fiji*

jeff bezos can’t become a trillionaire if he gets eaten by a whale

i can’t believe adam and eve had to leave the garden of eden over an apple. if it were a better fruit like a mango or a peach I would understand but an apple?

If I ever correct your spelling you should just consider it a gift. Mostly a gift for me, but a little bit for you too

Your yearly reminder that if you’re mad at what happens to Emma Thompson in Love Actually you can watch Die Hard after and he gets what he deserves

my 1-year-old just said “if politicians were more concerned with serving their constituents and less with appeasing their plutochrat overlords, then the rampant income inequality at the heart of our society’s disfunction might not exist goo goo ga ga” and honestly i felt that

Strange things: the prequel

Stranger things

2 Stranger 2 Things

Strangest Threengs

Strangfour th4ngs

5tranger Thing5

Stranger Things 6: Tokyo Drift

Have kids so you can live in a house full of people who can’t find anything.