Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Everybody freeze!”
-November

I’m pregnant, during the holidays, during a never-ending pandemic. The next medical professional who makes me step on the scale better be prepared with some tissues and a sugar free lollipop to cheer me up.

I asked my kid if he had a good day at kindergarten and he said it was a really good day and his friend fell off a stool. I don’t know if these two facts are related.

Stayed up to watch the clock go from 1:59 to 1:00 am because you know, time travel

Kid: Mommy’s last name must be “Honey” cuz that’s what daddy calls her

Teacher: That’s SWEET. What’s her first name?

Kid: “Sorry,” I think

Me: You ate all the cookies and your sister got none. What does that tell you?

4-year-old: I won.

The neighbours that overlook my garden must be religious. They’re always buying me pants with notes saying ‘for the love of God please wear these’.

My son just hugged me.

Him: You smell good.
Me: Like what?
Him: *sniffs* You smell like love.
Me: *heart melts* Lets go to Toys R Us.

“It seems like many polls are turning against you. How do you respond?”

TRUMP: They should be sent back to Poland. Very dangerous people.

This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.

Apparently the drunk guy at the urinal next to me is under the impression that I was stung in the leg by a jellyfish.

1st time waking up my teen: *rubs back* Hey buddy, time to get up.

2nd time: *shakes him* It’s been 5 minutes. Get up.

3rd time: *rips blanket off* Get up NOW!

4th time: *rage breathing* YOU’RE LATE!

My teen: *dramatically sits straight up* WHY DIDN’T YOU WAKE ME SOONER?!

Waking up with a hangover in your 20s
vs
Waking up with a hangover in your 40s

Me: do you want to go out?
Dogs: YES
Me: are you sure?
Dogs: YES MOST SURE
Me: ok
Me: [opens door]
Dogs: [go out]
Me: [closes door]
Dogs:
Dogs:
Dogs: WAIT WAT HAVE U DONE TO US WE DID NOT ASK FOR THIS

whoever removed the 30th and 31st from february, come get the 14th too bro

You people who pull back the shower curtain checking for psycopathic murderers … if you find one, what’s your plan?

him: I love animals, especially dogs

me: *I could really like him*

him: birds too

me: *he’s dead to me*

[inventor of the snooze button]

ok, these alarm clocks are pretty good, let’s add something to make them useless

Your metabolism after age 40 is like, “Nah, I like you fat.”

Intro to salsa class was weird, I starved myself all day, there was no chips or dips and then these weirdo’s were all grabby and dancing around

Martin Shkreli in jail: “Can I have an aspirin?”
Jail: “Yes. That will be $197,000.”

I just saw where some woman got paid $40 for brushing her teeth on Only Fans.

I will be opening an Only Fans account forthwith and just argue with people all day. That’s my only skill. Except I do know how to brush my teeth so I guess I could do that too.

This is a really bad idea. When do we start?

Things that are loud:
Jet engines
Dynamite
Opening a bag of Sun Chips at a funeral
Rock concerts

Daddy, where do oranges come from?

Well son, when a red and a yellow really love each other…

Having a crush is weird bc one minute you’re a normal person and then out of nowhere you’re like damn I wanna bake that boy a pie

Nature abhors a vacuum. And dogs. Dogs also abhor a vacuum.

Told my girlfriend I can’t get mad at her while she’s wearing cowboy boots because it just makes *me* feel stupid so now whenever she knows she messed up all I hear is klip klip kloppity coming down the hallway

[dragging a corpse to the shed]

NEIGHBOR: putting away the halloween decorations?

ME: decorations?

Confetti is shot outta cannons at my funeral. Everyone picks through it wondering why it doesn’t look right. “Oh god. Are these her bones?!”