Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I love using food in the bedroom!

But, when it comes to wearing a condiment…

I mayo may not.

Thank you cards only ever thank people for nice things they’ve actually done. This excludes people who don’t like doing things. We need cards that thank people for bad things they HAVEN’T done

Jack: I want to be nimble

Genie: ok

Jack: and also quick

Genie: ok those are the same thin-

Jack: last but not least I want to jump as high as a candle

me: could you fill out an employee satisfaction survey about how well I performed today?

woman holding urn full of ashes:

The worst thing about marriage is how it makes you start snoring. I never snored when I was single…

Sure, being a lion tamer is dangerous but have you ever gotten a haircut while you had the hiccups?

I’m not buying a coffee table until I finish walking around the furniture store barefoot kicking legs to see which hurts the least.

Dig one moat around your house and everyone’s all “you’re being unreasonable” and “where did you get the alligators”

*Pikachu dies*

Ghost of Pikachu: At least in death I’m allowed a respite from the technological prison that is a pokeball.

*ghostbusters arrive*

Is it proper etiquette to place your phone to the left or right of your silverware at the dinner table?

I’m always disappointed when I get an “animal detected” alert from my security system and it’s a mosquito on the lense and not a sasquatch in my back yard.

me: looks like I don’t have to plant any mint, it grew back on its own

mint: yep, you don’t have to worry about me

second mint: me neither!

me: I don’t remember planting you

third mint: sup fellas how we doin

Her: I’m a vegetarian but I love a cheeseburger once in a blue moon.

Me: Cool. I’m a good person except for the occasional knife attack.

y’all, my friend who’s a huge Elon Musk fanboy was just like “Ubers are so expensive, I wish we had bigger cars so you could put more people in them and when you split the cost it’s cheaper.” so that’s just a bus congratulations you invented buses

“IN THIS CORNER.. DWAYNE “THE ROCK” JOHNSON”
*the rock beats chest*
AND IN THIS CORNER… RYAN “PAPER” WALLACE
*the rock is visibly nervous*

much to think about

Me: You touched my heart.

Cardiologist: You’re not supposed to be awake, but thanks. LOL

You and I share a very special connection.

*I’m parked outside your house using your Wi-fi.

I like to skip when I’m carrying my flamethrower cause no one ever suspects a skipping girl of starting fires.

Sometimes you have to stop tweeting to have an alibi for ignoring texts.

I just read that if you’re 200 pounds on Earth, you’re 76 pounds on Mars.

I’m not fat, I’m on the wrong planet.

“Pay attention to me, but not too much. Ignore me, but make me feel wanted. Let me know you want me, but don’t be clingy.”-women

Taking a risk in my 20s: Skydiving

Taking a risk in my 30s: Throwing out a box of cords

“I was being bad last year and I STILL got presents from Santa Claus.”

-My 4yo completely embracing the Dark Side

This is the way the world ends.

Not with a bang but with a Zoom meeting that never ends due to technical issues.

Canada Post is increasing stamp prices for the third time in five years. It’s so bad, customers have threatened to start emailing.

Whenever I get a “Final Notice” letter from a bill collector, I assume this concludes our business transaction.

I used to believe in International Women’s Day… then I realised it was just my dad sneaking into my room, dressed as an International Woman.

Each year millions of innocent lives are lost when they accidentally board the wrong plane bound straight for the waiting mouth of a child.

If you can get the pronouns right for a boat you can get them right for a person