[on a date with a european]
Hmmm fascinating. Can you tell me about what 400 year old blood feuds your family is involved in?
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I’m getting into the smashed penny business. I stand near the machine and sell parents 2 quarters and a penny for 5 dollars.
me, 1988: my dad calls everything by the wrong name. why doesn’t he know what anything is
me: 2018: calling my kid’s mindcraft game “computer legos” is way funnier than saying mindcraft and it pisses her off every time
NEIGHBOR: What’s up?
ME {stacking crates}: I’ve enough donuts to last a month
NEIGHBOR: So all ready for the hurricane?
ME: The what now?
Signatures are so unserious, just “pinky promise” for adults… write your name in a silly little way on this very important piece of paper so we that we can send you to jail if you do anything wrong
Number of days since I locked myself out of the house and had to climb in through a window: ZERO
“This sunscreen smells like eggs.” -me, drunk at the lake and smearing myself with mayonnaise
11: (squeezes my face) It’s just like squeezing SpongeBob
Me: Why?
11: (laughs)Because your face is full of holes
𝙋𝙤𝙧𝙚𝙨, 𝙨𝙝𝙚’𝙨 𝙩𝙖𝙡𝙠𝙞𝙣𝙜 𝙖𝙗𝙤𝙪𝙩 𝙢𝙮 𝙥𝙤𝙧𝙚𝙨
𝙃𝙚𝙧 𝙧𝙤𝙖𝙨𝙩𝙨 𝙖𝙧𝙚 𝙙𝙞𝙖𝙗𝙤𝙡𝙞𝙘𝙖𝙡
Say what you will about the Grinch, but having garlic in your soul and living alone with a dog sounds pretty damn great to me.
The “t” in “Christmas” is silent.
Be like the “t” in “Christmas.”
You say pervert with a telescope. I say biological astronomer.
Strong people don’t put others down. They lift them up.
And throw them.
I wasn’t craving chocolate bunnies until I opened the twitter. Thanks guys, now I have to go buy Easter candy before it’s on sale.
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m a family of 8.
If you have a tattoo on your head, you’ve lost the right to ask me what I’m looking at.
You: I’m so hard on myself.
People on the internet: Hold my beer.
I just sneezed into my elbow and now I’m waiting for a preschool teacher to praise me
Lunchables™? huge waste of money! I have my kids mill their own wheat then hunt, kill & field strip a wild bologna
Oliver Twist: “Please sir, I want some more!?”
Manger: “Kid, you do realize this is a buffet?”
Sometimes I make myself feel important by thinking in a British accent.
Ok kids, you get in bed, I’ll get the story book.
All tucked in? Here we go…*opens The Shining
12 Monkeys #DescribeYourSexLifeWithAMovie
Wife told me she’d been “really getting into animal security camera videos” recently and I had her show me one to see what she meant. You’ll need sound:
[at an indian restaurant]
me: they’re well known for their gooey naan.
her: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much what’s goin’ on with you?
Always let those you hate have the lion’s share.
Then tell the lion.
Penguin 1: Let’s stay in tonight.
Penguin 2: I didn’t dress like this to stay home.
friend: why did you take up running?
me: *really wants to catch an ostrich* no reason
Me: I saved $2000 remodeling the bathroom [flexes muscles].
Her: Did you add the hospital visit?
Me:
Me: *considering sleeping in*
My dog: No no no no no let’s go let’s go let’s gooooo.