on a date with a guy who got evicted for chewing through all the wires in his house
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Everyone on Instagram has pics of them at places all over the world & I’m like here’s another shot of me from a different angle on my sofa
Welcome to parenting, “your kid bangs his head while sneezing and it is somehow your fault.”
Someone’s just thrown a bottle of Omega 3 tablets at me. I only received super fish oil injuries, but still.
Dog: [with a ball] throw this
Human: ok
Dog: but don’t take it out of my mouth
Human: what
Me: *picks up regular store brand item instead of economy store brand item*
My family: what’s the occasion?
I was having a shitty Thursday. Then my ex texted me. Now I’m having a shitty Valentine’s Day as well.
I don’t think ‘safe sex’ sounds like a very good idea. I mean, what if you get locked in and forget the combination
Me: [watching someone de-bone a fish] How hard could that be
Also me: [starved because I couldn’t open the pressure cooker]
Marriage 30s: He doesn’t know I burp or fart yet.
Marriage 40s: You should probably sleep in the other room because I had Mexican food for lunch.
*staring directly into the sun* is this meditation am I meditating
Its 4 am and my foot fell asleep are we doing this one body part at a time now
It rubs the lotion on its skin and struggles with the doorknobs again.
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Dwayne Johnson: *sweating nervously* certainly not paper that’s for sure
*years from now at my will reading*
Attorney: “it is to my dear children, that upon my passing I give the fortune which I have devoted my life to building its immense value…”
My kids: omg, Mom had a secret inheritance for us??
Attorney: “… my meme collection.”
I love babies cause they just cry upon waking up and it’s so honest
Instead of meeting any new people I would much rather un-meet the ones I already know.
life has a lot less pushing cars filled with dead bodies into bogs than I was led to believe
When the cops are at your door have on a cape, carry a wand, and tell them you’re a magician when they ask how your boyfriend disappeared.
Sister: “Family shot time”
Me: “Whooo Hoooo….drink drink drink drink!”
Sister: [holds up camera]
“I want to take a picture”Me: oh
For cardio I live beyond my means.
Call me faithless, but I just can’t believe three guys would travel that far on camels to throw a baby shower.
Just had to spell the word “bourgeoisie” while sharing my screen. Jesus Christ
Based on my date’s reaction, they should really call them “Unhappy Meals.”
Are people who say “hard pass” aware of fiber supplements?
Once I shot a man with a paintball gun, just to watch him dye.
I AM THE MAN OF THIS HOUSE AND WHAT I SAY GOES in one ear and out the other.
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Ugh I’ve put on so much weight. Can you believe I used to be 7lbs 9oz?
Me: Oh. I got that. I always use a natural product with an SPF of at least 50.
Contractor: That’s not what I mean by a good foundation.
This is the ideal bird body
You may not like it, but this is what peak performance looks like