on a date with a guy who got evicted for chewing through all the wires in his house
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ME: I’m here to repair the gate
ST. PETER: No you’re not
ME: I… I need to fix it from the other side
Eats one hamburger- I’m full
Eats 10 tacos – I’m still hungry
A man was hospitalized with 6 plastic horses up his bum. Doctors described his condition as “stable”. #manicmonday
I love how some stores don’t even bother hiding that they sell fakes. I respect the hell out of a shop that has Professor Martins front and center. Yes please I will take one pair of Air Georges.
flight attendant: this man is dying! is there a doctor on board?!
her: i’m a doctor
my mom: [to me] that could’ve been you
me: ma, being an IT professional is a perfectly fine caree-
my mom: i’m not talking about the doctor
KID: Mr. Owl, how many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?
ENDANGERED NORTHERN SPOTTED OWL: You cannot possibly think this is a priority for me.
How long can one listen to a kid talk before it’s officially considered a hostage situation?
I’m eating tacos while wrapped up inside my tortilla blanket. I’m a taco eating a taco. It’s glorious
If I remove any clothing at all, the man thinks it’s sexy time, so now I just step into the shower fully dressed.
The best thing about cycling 5 miles on a stationary bike is not having to cycle 5 miles back again.
💀🤣
My love language is deader than Latin
2night’s funniest bit: a fellow comic enters the room &, given a choice between talking w/ me & w/ a homeless man, chooses the homeless man.
It’s so weird to call it the “mall”. In Scotland we are very creative, we call one store a “shop” and many stores “the shops”.
If red meat has so much iron in it why don’t cows rust? And another thing
Jeff Bezos confirms he’s no longer the world’s richest man as Bill Gates has cancelled his Amazon Prime subscription.
There are two types of people: those who love terrible puns, and those who are no pun.
*Pulls gun* Alright give me the money, and don’t try anything stupid.”
*Tries to put a fork in a light socket*
“Hey! What did I just say”!?
My son’s friend at daycare just shared that he prefers food you eat with a fork because “it’s the only time you get to stab things.” Don’t expect a sleepover invitation any time soon, James.
“I can’t wait to see what my Happy Meal prize is! Wait…what the -”
[U2 is playing a free concert in the box]
AN INSANE PERSON: I want to drink vegetables
THE MAKERS OF V8: Hey
Love how Google seems to know everything I’m doing before I even think about it, but Google Maps needs me to completely type out an address before it knows I’m not looking for driving directions from the US to India.
Facebook: I’m happy!
Instagram: I’m pretty!
Vine: I’m artsy!
Pinterest: I’m crafty!
Twitter: I’m lying everywhere but here.
Batman’s an example of a guy who took his parents double homicide and made lemonade
Come on royal family, it’s not that difficult to name your 3rd child. I have 3 sons, Dustin, Jacob and what’s-his-face.
Prove you’re not a robot by typing two words that sounds like they were doodled on a toilet cubicle by a schizophrenic
Be a firefighter they said,
Rescue kittens & throw them into fire they said,
Youre misinformed they said,
We’re calling the police they said
If babies named Todd don’t call themselves “The Toddler” then what’s the point of having a douchebag baby name like Todd?
The sole purpose of your child’s middle name….is so they know when they’re really in trouble
If you need a laugh.. 😅