Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[letter to vitamin company]

So your ad said that this supplement “helps with memory loss” but I’m still remembering stuff

this royal photo stuff… funny how you all suddenly feel like you have a license to talk about women’s bodies… newsflash: some women have zippers in their hair. some women’s legs are too small and oddly bent in on themselves. some women don’t have reflections

[stranded on a desert island]

*plane flies over head and drops a letter*

Me: omg I’m going to be rescued!

*opens letter*
we’re just reaching out to you about your car’s extended warranty

Me: Sonofa-

Me: My blood pressure is sky high. I need to get my affairs in order.

Him: Make a will?

Me: I was thinking flings with hot men, but OK.

Me: Can you get me more sports drink at the store?

Wife: Beer isn’t a sports drink

Me: I drink it while I watch sports.

And now we wait

Bird: *standing in middle of road challenging me*

Me: *swerving and driving off cliff* you have won again bird

Pro-Tip: Always remember where you buried the bodies.

Every new rapture I remember the guy I knew whose parents announced during their weekly family dinner that since he was obviously not getting raptured he could have the house.

[the instructor clearly frustrated with me on first day of veterinary school]
“It doesn’t matter if its a dog, it’s still called a cat scan”

The smoke detectors just went off in my house and no one even looked up from their phones.

He died doing what he loved, annoying the hell out of me and not believing I would stab him.

Too many toilets have automatically flushed underneath me for me not to have reservations about self-driving cars

Just met a baby named Herbert. Weird, right? Reached his little baby hand across the bus aisle and goes, “Hi, I’m a baby. A baby Herbert.”

The term minivan implies the existence of a more spacious yet less practical mega van

I asked my cousin why he eats the burger first and he’s like imagine I die whilst eating the chips

cold water immersion sounds cool but i’m doing this other thing called warm bed immersion

“I love having my toddlers surprise me by joining my shower. Not only is it relaxing and efficient, it’s eco friendly.”
SAID NO MOM EVER

An old lady on the bus just tried to set me up with her daughter. Here’s everything she knows about me:

1) I don’t have a car

As a baby I took my son Caden to the park. Other kids there were Aiden Jayden Brayden & Ben. The parents that named Ben should get an award.

I bought one of those endless magician handkerchiefs and boy, is my proctologist gonna earn his copay tomorrow

I’ve been walking around with a fish-eating grin ever since I got an emotional support piranha.

make your life more efficient by cutting out the middle man. quit your job. kill your friends. throw your food directly into the toilet.

The Five Sizes of Penises:
1. Small
2. Medium,
3. Large,
4. Oh My God!…and
5. Is that available in white??

COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?

COW: Was I speeding?

COP: No

COW: Is it because I’m a c–

COP: It’s because you’re a cow.

My brother might be 38, but he just figured out he can control my television with his phone, and he is absolutely using that power to bug the shit out of me.

Pulled a power move on the neighborhood dads by shoveling my driveway before it stopped snowing

Anxiously sneaking to use a pen that my daughter has strictly forbidden me to touch shows exactly who’s in charge of this house.

netflix 2 days after a new show comes out: “the show has already been watched for one trillion minutes, making it the most successful entertainment property in human history, which is why we’re sharing the news with a heavy heart that it has not been renewed for a second season”

Some people make mountains out of mole hills, some people make a competition out of crazy