on a date with a guy who’s been fired from 3 different bowling alleys
You Might Also Like
[Driving]
HUBS: You just blew a stop sign!
ME: Jealous?
Before sprinting towards the elevator, ask yourself, “Am I hot enough to make them hold the door?”
Oh, your pet loves you more than anyone else? No shit, if you controlled when I ate I’d be obsessed with you too.
Stop making fast and furious movies.
They call Japan the “Land of the Rising Sun”. Is that why they look like they’re squinting all the time?
Wife: We’re going to Jessie’s BBQ today.
Me: She’s the one with the big—
Wife: They’re fake!
Me: So?-liveTweeting from the DogHouse
BREAKING NEWS
Justin Bieber said… And I quote, “Only God can Judge me!”
THIS JUST IN
…Apparently I’m God.
Cop: Why are you speeding?
Me: I’m super late for work
Cop: Ok, I need you to slow down
Me: Sorry. I’m…..super….late….for……work
ME: Ha ha bro why is your wife named Purse Phone?
HADES: That isnt… thats not how you say it
I never got into House MD because it was too farfetched. A doctor who’s rude and doesn’t listen to you?
11: what do you mean I can’t have more sugar today? I only had 2 cinnamon rolls this morning and you had 3.
me: first off – get out of my house.
given that 14 was obsessed with garbage trucks as a toddler, you’d think he’d be better about throwing away his trash (more…)
That bear was just minding its own business. You brought that granola bar into the situation. Should have brought enough to share.
me: how much for the dog bouquet
girl walking dogs: what
If our children don’t learn cursive, how will they ever be able to read those inspirational tattoos people put on their ribs?
Good news! That lump I found in my breast turned out to be a Skittle.
waffles are just pancakes that ran into the screen porch door at full speed.
Parents: It’s unfair to put your toddler on a leash if you’re not going to also let them pee next to parked cars.
Forced to use Axe Shampoo & Conditioner this morning and now my hair is high fiving people and calling them Braaaah.
I just read that if you’re 200 pounds on Earth, you’re 76 pounds on Mars.
I’m not fat, I’m on the wrong planet.
Believing everything you read on the internet is the key
The trick to successfully backing out of a parking space is to not care what happens to you or anyone else.
I’d be safe working at Boeing (I’m not blowing anything these days)
I grew up between two pig farms. So, you had me at “farm fresh” and lost me at “air.”
me: god made me weak because he feared what i could do
my wife’s boyfriend: it’s okay bud, you loosened the jar for me
Someone: describe your sex life in two words.
Me: my what?
“I wouldn’t touch you with a thirty nine and a half foot pole”
-Families making Christmas plans in 2020
Now that I’m in charge of Santa’s milk and cookies, it’s payback time for that Barbie townhouse I never got.
“LOOK JUST GIVE US THE BREAD, BARBARA, WE DON’T WANT TO HURT YOU”
I can’t tell you how to increase your moral fibre, I’m not a nutritionist.