on a date with a guy who’s been fired from 3 different bowling alleys
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At cardio class tonight, a 22yo size 0 told me “you run fast for someone your age” so now I have a body to bury if anyone wants to help me.
yea we make fun of the fact the business people in the jurassic park universe keep giving the green light to a theme park that kills like 75 people every couple of years just cause its profitable but damn if thats not the most realistic part lol
[interview]
THEM: what would you say if i gave you money from the register and told you to keep it?
ME: thank you.
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: IS IT THE “S” OR THE “C” THAT’S SILENT IN THE WORD “SCENT”???
“what do your tattoos mean?” that I can’t be trusted with $200
THE CAST OF “CATS” AS MEDIEVAL CAT PAINTINGS: A THREAD
I got kicked off Wikipedia for adding “obviously” to the end of every article.
Land line and the doorbell both rang at the same time and I collapsed in the middle of the kitchen.
I’m not religious but I know there’s a hell because Monopoly exists
My friend has six kids and not once have they sang about going to bed. What in the VonTrapp is going on there?
Wife: I am angry with you.
Husband: Again or Still ?
I never give money to those Salvation Army people because I know they’re just gonna spend it on more bells.
Accidentally put Red Bull in my coffee maker this morning. I was going 130 mph down the interstate when I realized that I forgot my car.
Dating is an expensive way to find out you don’t like someone.
KGB: You’re being activated and sent to America. There you will acquire and report all sensitive and relevant intel and relay back to Kremlin
Bear Family: what’s our cover?
KGB: You will sell crap ton of toilet paper
Him: You have such a beautiful soul.
Me: It’s photoshopped.
ME: What would you like to name your new cat?
KID: Dog.
ME: But it’s a cat.
KID: That’s the cat’s problem.
Don’t forget to get your Valentine’s Day shopping done before Pete Davidson buys everything up.
“It’s 3am and everyone is asleep. Must run into random rooms as fast as I can and jump on everything” – cats
😤😤
ME, in my 20s: Bro, if you bring chips, make sure you get the “Scarlet Viper Ghost Dragon Habanero Pepper” flavor! Whooo!
ME, now: Excuse me, young man, do you carry “A Timid Suggestion of Chive” chips? I have a prescription from my gastroenterologist.
what my roast potatoes see when they’re in the oven
-hey lucifer. did it hurt
-did what hurt
-when you fell from heaven
-for the last time gabriel i am not going out with you
Two heads aren’t better than one if you’re both stupid.
I mean, technically aren’t we all “foodies”? I’ve never met anyone who’s like “nothing for me waiter, I’ll just photosynthesize”.
psychic: [sees guy in crowd w/ a pony tail] Sir did u know a Chad?
“yes”
From karate?
“YES”
Chad wants u to know he’s ok
*guy starts crying*
“Want to come watch the game Saturday at 8:00?”
Well I’m going rollerskating at 1:00, so yeah I should be out of the hospital by then.
My kids always seem to underestimate the length of my freakishly long arms when they start a fight while I’m driving.
why did we replace harmless white lies with therapy talk? i don’t need an essay about how you’re setting boundaries so you can’t make it tonight, just say your stomach hurts
Sleep when the baby sleeps, eat when the baby eats, edit your manuscript when the baby edits their manuscript