on a date with a guy who’s been fired from 3 different bowling alleys
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I always carry a PEBBLE with me to throw at people who sing Christmas songs in November…
I call it my jingle bell rock.
It’s not easy sitting around all day doing nothing. It’s hard to know whether or not you’re done.
I HAVE FINALLY MET MY DREAM MAN
If horror movies have taught me anything, it’s lock up your butcher knives if your child addresses you as “mother” or “father.”
My therapist says I should delete my account and meet real people, but she’s still on Facebook so what does she know.
JOB INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: yes its 7pts tall, separates two sections in a visually pleasing way, and aligns to a carefully proportioned grid
INTERVIEWER: no, i mean here where it says you didn’t work for two years
ME: i.. was designing my resume
ME: Tear this breadstick open, I think you’re gonna like what’s inside.
GIRLFRIEND: YOU DIDN’T! {breaks it open} It’s just filled with cheese.
ME: Happy 10th anniversary babe.
Divide and conquer? Ok. *opens calculator app*
Arguing with guy at the bar and he claimed Wikipedia was an unreliable source, suggesting instead that I listen to him, a drunk guy at a bar
I’ve been wondering why a “fat chance” and a “slim chance” mean the same thing.
If you are talking on the phone at the grocery store and it is interesting, then I get to follow you and we will shop together.
I am starting to suspect that my camo hoodie isn’t as clean as it appears
[at a loud bar]
HIM: [yelling] DO U HAVE ANY PLANS AFTER THIS?
HER: [also yelling] YES I DO ACTUALLY HAVE PLANTS THAT I KISS
Oh your baby’s name is Walter?
Is he close to retirement?
“the names bond, james bond”
[5 min later]
STARBUCKS BARISTA: i gota frappe for borbjorbple
Me: *covers up with fleece blanket*
Wife: *rips it off me* This is for the cats
a girl in the coffee shop i’m working from has just said to her friend ‘imagine a hot veg smoothie’ and i’m wondering how to break it to her that soup exists
[tightening roller skates]
“stop worrying about me mom, I’m in a very dangerous gang, but we are really fast”
Waiter: would you like flat or sparkling water ?
Me: garden hose is fine thanks
replace the chair in the Oval Office w/slightly bigger chair every day for next 4 yrs til trump looks tiny + his feet don’t touch the ground
I’m hosting an antisocial potluck,
Feel free to drop off your food and go
[speed dating]
Her: Nice to meet you
Me [on meth]:
I HAVE MISUNDERSTOOD THE SITUATION
Found out at my Doctor’s appointment that the disturbing voices I’ve been hearing non stop are called children.
As Oscar Wilde once said, there’s only one thing worse than being talked about, and that’s being roped in to help a friend move house.
Anime is real
Am I the most attractive woman out there ? Of course not. But do I have a good personality ? Well, no. But do I wake up every day and try to be the best person that I can be ? Also no.
unironically true. mcdonalds ice cream machines are made by Taylor Company, which prohibits mcdonalds locations from repairing the machines, so they have to call Taylor to have them fixed for a fee. the machine’s purpose is not to make ice cream, its purpose is to need repairs
I let a Pasta Chef borrow my car and he returned it all denty