Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If Shakespeare were being born today, he’d be “Shaxxespyr.”

an attractive man on the internet called me pretty, so I sent him my finger nails in the mail. i’m so nervous lol what if he doesn’t reply??

“You do you” is the nicest way to call someone an idiot.

I’m only here while I wait for that Nigerian prince to follow through on his end of the bargain.

I got fired from being the events coordinator at the local orphanage. I think it’s cause family day never really took off

[having sex]

me: *finishing first* I win again!

wife: you really don’t

This lady here in Walmart has completely given up on her kids for Lent apparently.

COME ON KRUSE #fencing

How depressed are you on a scale from 1 to “regularly visits song lyrics websites”?

If you get to travel back in time please tell little kid me I own both a machete and a flamethrower now and leave out the part where they’re for yardwork

Someone should figure out how to turn children arguing into energy. We would be able to power the whole damn world.

Life Hack: In any hipster coffee shop, say “You haven’t seen The Wire?” and in the ensuing commotion, leave without paying.

I don’t like the idea of bacteria in my yogurt so I mix it with hand sanitizer. It cuts down on the taste, but I sleep better at night.

“did I catch you at a bad time?”

– yeah, I’m awake and I’m sober

Squid Game, but it’s me giving my cat a bath.

(t.v.)“If you come face to face with a bear in the wild, you want to make yourself look as big as possible…”

me(eating a 1/2 gallon of ice cream): ok

I can always tell how stressful my day was by how far apart I’ve kicked my heels when I got home. Today one heel lies in the corner of the living room while I believe the other one is currently orbiting Mars.

Text from my best friend: Please take your mom with you to the salvage yard when you pick up that part & introduce her as your mechanic

It’s been a while since I’ve flown out of the Nashville airport. It’s mayhem. The bachelorette parties have continued into the terminal. Just saw a bro getting escorted out by police, he had pissed himself and was joyfully saying “trust me. Y’all WANT me on that plane!”

Hey honey, wanna role play?
I’ll be Dexter.

a great headline for when there is a world wide fresh water shortage will be “water we gonna do??” we will need the laughs

Be myself?
BE MYSELF?!?!
You don’t care if I ever get laid again, do you?

My daughter’s boyfriend left his wallet here. I put girls names & numbers in it. Later today I’ll ask my daughter if he has change for a $20

“people online aren’t your real friends” tom hanks was best friends with a volleyball.

*throws caution to the wind*

*blows right back into face*

Accidently went when it wasn’t my turn at a 4 way stop so now I have to follow this car home to apologize

14: (setting his alarm for 5am)

11: Why so early?

14: Because Mom is going to take a million first day of school pictures. And it’s going to take forever.

Me: That is correct.

dogs can find happiness so easily

COP: Are you drunk?

ME: um if I was drunk, could I do this?

*walks in a perfectly straight line*

COP: What the hell he just walked off a cliff

How do people know spiders are more afraid of me than I am of them? Like, did you ask him? Because only one of us is screaming right now.