Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Save money by just buying bigger pants instead of paying a one year gym membership

Hate flying? Try American Airlines. They do too.

[space shuttle]
Captain: prepare for landing
Me: roger that
C: reverse thrusters
M: sretsurht lol
C: lol
*we smash full speed into the moon*

When the party host collects everyone’s coats and throws them on their bed, I just stay in mine and take a nap among the jackets.

Me [cracking open a beer]: Man, what a rough day.

Wife: IT’S 8 AM

Me: [has never relaxed once in my entire life] I should get a hammock

“My favorite sex fantasy starts with you bringing me wine…”

And then?

“Cheese.”

Mmmm and then?

“You close the door from outside.”

I received a lovely Valentine’s Card from a secret admirer. I suspect it’s the one I sent to myself with my handwriting disguised, but it’s a nice thought on my part, and I appreciate it, although unfortunately I’m not really my type, so the relationship won’t go anywhere.

ME: *robbing bank* More like, I’m BANKing on you not tripping the alarm! Haha!
TELLER: Haha!
COPS: *tackling me from behind* Haha!

getting my 4yo to sleep is just a simple 85 step process

My favorite game with the kids is one where I play dead until they go around to their dad’s side of the bed and wake him up.

You kids may find it hard to believe but there was a time when a new Star Wars or Marvel movie didn’t feel like a homework assignment.

me (googling): sexy green m&m
fbi agent monitoring me: oh god not this again

Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.

If you call me hysterical, you better mean funny cuz I keep my knives sharp.

[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] we lost a man, but we gained a corpse

Just sold my homing pigeon on eBay for the 22nd time.

If you can see the bread you are not using butter correctly.

I love the Yakuza games. I wish Japan was real.

Him: [sneezes]

Germs: ATTACK!

Her: bless you

Germs: RETREAT RETREAT

50 might be the new 40, but the hundred dollar bill is now the new twenty.

“This is so relaxing, better than going out”, she thought as she did her own pedicure balanced on one leg like a flamingo.

Tiger Woods? Do u mean the jungle?

Hinder: an app that locates available singles nearby who will stall your life in some significant way

my dad once complained about “coming home from a long day at work and having to eat on a paper plate” so my mom served him dinner in a solo cup the next day and we all ate like we didn’t notice

I see the Chancellor has raised passenger duty on private planes by a whopping 50%? Those multi billionaires are going to have to stop buying avocados and going to Starbucks.

my little sister is staying home for her first semester of college so i’m gonna puke in her shower and set off the fire alarm at 3am so she can get the true freshman year dorm experience

The bills are washed, the dishes are paid, the laundry’s in the oven. I’m going to bed.

If you could go back in time and show a medieval peasant one movie, what would it be?

I would pick Jim Carrey’s classic “The Mask” (1994)

if you push your belly button and nose at the same time your brain takes a screenshot