[on a date with a houseplant]
Me: everything ok? you hardly touched your dinner.
Houseplant: Yes, I’m just eating light
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Me driving through Toronto
My husband and I never take anything for granted. Which is why, after 30 years, I still consider him a flight risk.
[ restaurant ]
him: how long for a table
me: about 8 feet
him: no the wait
me: ah, 90 lbs
Every news show is like “are you actually seeing what you’re seeing? We’ll ask an expert and a liar!”
Welcome to your 40’s. You’ll be mad if a neighbor doesn’t mow their lawn.
Inventor of popcorn: Quickly! We have to put out the fire in the corn silo before it gets to the butter silo!
I yelled, “what are you doing!?” and my 3yo threw her fruit snacks like she was running away from the cops.
quitting my job before Christmas and starting a new one on January 2 was a great decision because I have no emails to respond to
No thanks, marriage. If I wanted to stop getting laid I would just start wearing crocs.
The thing about my dogs barking is I can never tell if there is a murderer breaking in or if my neighbor closed their car door in the driveway.
Extra virgin olive oil is just olive oil who got dating advice from me.
“I tell you, this car runs like a dream!” I change gears and the gearstick turns into a swan. I turn on the wipers & it rains on the inside.
breaking into your house and inventorying your pantry so you know what you need the next time you go to costco
Shit dude that SUCKS
-me as a 911 operator
Attending multiple open houses today… I’m going to walk into every empty room and ask “now does this come with the place?”
A man drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how a Mercedes bends
Posing with your cat to attract men is like posing with your cat to attract men,
A little boy just said thank you after taking a sweet and then wished me a very enthusiastic merry Christmas
He said ‘send nudes’ and my first thought was ‘ugh, I just sat down.’
I wear my wedding ring everyday so I know my right hand from my left hand, incase the man of my dreams asks me for directions.
If someone specifies that you’re book-smart and not street-smart or street-smart but not book-smart, they’re calling you stupid.
“I bought the biggest watermelon in the store!” —The person not cutting up the watermelon.
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a local bookstore
Me: Its so funny I keep dropping my phone
My phone: Yeah, you crack me up
turned my music down and some guy in traffic yelled out THANK YOU
waiter: can i start you off with something to drink?
me: milk for me please
date: [visibly disappointed]
me: uh make that 2 milks
I’m a female historian who specializes in war atrocities, check out my blog “The War Atrocity Babe”
judge: how can this be your defense?
me: how was I to know he wasn’t cake?
Wait….making the right choices is an option?!
man: want a carrot?
horse: ok.
man: we’re friends now right.
horse: i guess.
man: great hey can you help me move.