Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I love the excitement and suspense of hitting a bump on a back road at night. Like, was it a body? Was it not a body? Lol so fun

I wasn’t snoring..

I was dreaming I’m a dirt bike.

I’m not at all competitive [secretly races some woman on the self-checkout next to me so I finish first]

If you think the world is getting more unsafe, violent and unpredictable, the 13th century would like a word with you.

Good night cop: Want the light on or off? Sweet dreams kiddo.

Bad night cop: You will go to sleep or I will put you to sleep.

I’m a go getter.
I don’t let other people ruin my day.
I ruin my day my damn self

I am not a pro at mind games, so I will be direct and ask, “are you or are you not going to offer me snacks?”

You should be able to google why a couple broke up

“Please! There’s no need to interact with me. I’m just here to observe.”

-me in every social situation

I never feel quite so uncertain as when I’m walking the dog and a neighbor driving by waves to me but my free hand has a bag of poop in it.

[reading horrorscope] “More horror today”. That seems right

If Jesus came back today, hipsters would be like “whatever Jesus, the book was better.”

Coffee: Because when you’re groggy and barely coherent, the first thing you should do is handle a scalding hot cup of liquid.

boss: why aren’t you getting your work done?

me: [staring at 5 hours of meetings on my calendar today] it’s a hell of a mystery really.

No thanks Audi; I get all the uncompromised luxury I can handle by driving whatever car my wife thinks makes me look the most married.

A buddy gave me some of his pee in a jar so I could pass a drug screen. I failed, which is weird, cause I drank ALL of it.

Honest job interview:

“What are your strengths?”
“I put a lot of effort into looking like I know what I’m doing”

Hotel clerk: Sir, how many room keys would you like?

Me: 37

Twitter is my favorite MMORPG ever. I just say nasty shit and then I get to collect awesome people like experience points.

If you think a dragon is going to solve all your problems you’re probably right.

I think I’m a genius…. I just solved a rubiks cube so fast!

It only took me 5 minutes and 25 seconds to peel off all the stickers.

Sorry I was late for geometry class, I got on the rhombus

I sharpened all my kitchen knives today. Now I can’t help but slice everything as if I’m in an infomercial.

Does anyone else have Bad Underwear which is kept at the bottom of the drawer to help you remember that it is time to clean the Good Underwear

Wife: Can you go pick up a chair I bought on a Facebook group?

Me: What if the seller is a murderer?

Wife: Why do you think I’m sending you?

“Oh, you decided to close your bedroom door with me on the outside? Allow me to sing you the song of my people.”

-my cat

My dog turns sleeping on the edge of the bed into an extreme sport

they should put shopping carts in the middle of grocery stores for us idiots who think we can carry our groceries but end up getting too much shit and constantly dropping it all over the store

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the confidence of this woman at Starbucks who just pretended to have a dog so she could get a free cup of whipped cream.

everyone (crying, begging): please…you cannot be both hot and nice. just pick one
me: no