{Stalker Diary}
Went through his trash.
He buys the generic Fruit Loops. I remain committed. I find his frugalness irresistible.
You Might Also Like
God: you’re a baby shark-
Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.
God: w-what was that?
Baby Shark: sorry go ahead.
God: a baby shark-
Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.
God: that’s like super annoying.
Baby Shark: hee hee.
God: doo doo doo-great now it’s stuck in my head.
My in-laws visited today.
FIL: when I was a kid I stole a candy bar from a store.
My 8yo: then why are you here shouldn’t you be in jail?
I love my son.
I just saw a woman outside sitting alone on a bench and staring at nothing and it made me so sad. I wonder what happened to her phone?
Before I get busy doing nothing, I am taking a 20 minute break.
Me *on phone to IT* it just says insecure and no special character
Him: ok so your password needs to be
Me: No no I’m doing an online personality test
Interviewer: can you give me an example of when you overcame a challenge?
Me: yep. I made it here on time even though I got really high an hour ago
If you see me at a campground, that’s not me. It’s clearly a case of body snatching.
no, YOU’RE holding a fresh loaf of bread like a newborn baby
The Last of Us is my favorite video game about the survivors of 2020
Old lady: I swallowed a spider in my sleep
Doctor: that’s quite normal
Old lady: and then a bird
Doctor: what
Gen X kids never wanted to come home. Modern teenagers never want to leave the house.
Gen X parents of teens are basically feral dogs raising housecats.
RHCP: Red Hot Chili Peppers
my brain: Real Housewives of Chili Peppers
interviewer:
are there any accomplishments from your last job that you’re particularly proud of?me:
i’m responsible for ten new rules in their employee handbookinterviewer:
that’s great! you wrote them?me:
that’s not what i said
The prophecy is fulfilled
Woke up with no money. I was robbed last night by a guy who looks exactly like me, but drunker.
Just won a sausage biscuit at this basketball game. Never give up on your dreams.
Rich people’s advice basically is like: Go be rich and follow your dreams while saving 90% of your salary
My dog is sleeping soundly now that I’ve removed myself from his king sized bed.
Cover letter? Here’s my resume twice.
People don’t exchange taxidermy gifts as much anymore
You gotta admit that humans are the ultimate #1 lifeform because we’re essentially half mermaid but we also have legs for kicking and stuff.
My browser asks “are you sure?” when I clear my history as if theres anyone more sure of what theyre doing than someone clearing his history
Me: Haha hate it when I walk into a room and then forget what I came in for.
Executioner: Seriously these are your last words?
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Talked to someone today about remaining human when society crumbles. Was told to “please pull up to the window.”
me after creating anything: i want the whole world to see this
brain: even people who know you?
me: oh god no
Allegedly naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
Friendship Test:
1) Is it OK if we never speak?
2) Do you have a healthy and completely rational fear of octopi?
3) Can I borrow $800
Reached the age where I have to do like 150 healthy things every day just so it doesn’t hurt when I burp.
A normal part of my neuro exam is testing grip strength: I put 2 fingers into a stranger’s fists & ask them to squeeze as hard as they can.
I’ve done this for years. All sorts of people: bodybuilders, athletes, cops, criminals
Recently I did this with a farmer.
ADVICE: DON’T