[on a date]
*don’t let him know you’re a bird*Him: I’ll drive us. I just had my car cleaned and detailed.
Me: *poops all over windshield*
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I drain the spaghetti in the colander and every single piece slides perfectly through the holes
i’m a 10 (tion deficit)
Instill fear in your spouse by telling them they talk in their sleep.
4 years single just means I have a bachelor’s degree in being alone
I was gonna get on the treadmill, but then the couch will get sad
Me: Can you go tell your brother that dinner is ready?
Son: *standing one inch from my ear* DINNER IS READY!
WIFE: don’t be weird at the party tonight
ME: am i ever weird?
[dinner party]
CHERYL: how’s the soup taste?
ME: like the blood of my enemies
Welcome to Twitter: it’s high school except we all have gray hair.
Got thrown out of Joann Fabrics for asking for wife material.
Got a new bottle of shampoo and now I’m using what’s left in the old one with the reckless abandon of someone who just won the lottery.
“this is the biggest toilet I’ve ever seen”
i came on this app to make friends and chew bubblegum… and im all out of gum
I really want to retire but these stupid bills just keep
My wife:“That’s not the shirt I sent her to daycare in.”
Me:“But it’s the right kid?”
Wife: “Yes.”
Me: “Awesome. I’m going to play Xbox”
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
Woke up this morning after a hard night of boozing, stepped on the scale and I lost 3 pounds.
There ya have it. Dignity weighs 3 pounds.
To all the men who keep dming me “hello” – I don’t speak English. I thought that was painfully obvious from my tweets, but I’m writing another one just to let you know.
Couples have an amount they can spend up to without discussing with each other. Mine is around $50. My wife’s is around $643.27. Apparently
I am Australian, hear me pronounce aluminum the correct way
Im making a fortune promoting home security systems.All I do is say “Hello”.At 3 in the morning sitting at the end of their bed.
when I have dinner with a vegetarian I order two steaks to use as a bun for my third steak
This dude got his own movie?
It was easier to pick a career when the only choices were farming and witchcraft
6yo: I got dressed, took my vitamins and got my cereal.
Me: My baby is all grown up, she doesn’t need me anymore! [Sobbing]
6yo: Ummmm well I still can’t spell supercalifragilisticexpialidocious!
Me: ᴺᵉᶦᵗʰᵉʳ ᶜᵃⁿ ᴵ [sobbing]
When I used to drink, by this time on a weekend y’all would’ve already seen me mostly naked. Y’all should be especially thankful for my sobriety.
I won’t be satisfied until I have enough followers to form sects that fight about how to interpret My tweets until they kill each other.
Show me a better name for a sugar company.
I hate it when I want wine and the wine home delivery man hasn’t been invented yet.
DATE: Tell me something most people dont know about you
ME: [leans across table and gets right next to her ear] I DONT KNOW HOW TO WHISPER
*slowly cracks open a beer while the cop explains why he pulled me over*