[on a date]
*don’t let him know you’re a bird*Him: I’ll drive us. I just had my car cleaned and detailed.
Me: *poops all over windshield*
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“Everybody freeze!”
-November
A roomba that swears every time it hits something.
if you dating baby shark you single to me. what he gonna doo doo doo doo doo doo
“I love my Job!” -Job’s wife
my friend taps me on the shoulder and whispers “you might not think your face conveys how much you hate this, but i need you to know it does”
How old people make use of canes:
10% walking.
90% shaking & waving at whippersnappers.
Buzzfeed writer wanted. Must love current events, pop culture and have a Bachelor’s degree and a history of head injuries.
Me:*delete pics*
IPhone: you sure?
M:Yes
IP: Ok I’ll just put them over here
Me:delete them
IP: Ok *whispers* keeping them on the cloud tho
Haloween is over, but i just saw a group of people dressed up as the ghosts of the Cone Heads.
putting a blanket over my boss so he thinks it’s night time and goes to sleep
[reading my journal] me: damn what a psycho
Proof that kids sometimes listen…
5: Why are you not getting dressed to take me to school?
Me: I’m dressed
5: Those look like pajamas
Me:
5: Did you brush your teeth?
Me: Yes
5: Let me smell
Every country has a wafer cookie, and every country thinks they invented it
Falling in love makes you do stupid things. Once I even got married.
12: So Paul and I are going to the mall today can you drive us and probably just gonna hang and we might be meeting up with a few guys from school just like you know 12 and can you take all of us and you can take us early—
Me: Breathe
12: I am
Me: I meant me
the moon landing, except it’s the moon, landing on earth. everyone is just as excited. at first.
*watching the discovery channel* this isn’t very disco
If pain is fear leaving the body, what gets the stupid out?
Our power went out and it’s utterly humiliating how many times I tried to turn on the light so that I could find the flashlights because the power was out
Clean tweeting is liberating. You don’t need profanity to make a point. Look:
Tell her she has beautiful eyes. Female dogs love that poopy.
You have a moderately successful Twitter account and you think “I should Google myself…”
figuring out my emotional availability:
Receptionist: the doctor can see you now
invisible man who’s also blind: who said that
receptionist: who said that
In an attempt to groggily say hello, I sent “moron” instead of “morning” in a chat to my boss. How’s your day?
me: but i want it
ambulance driver: [passing dairy queen] i said no
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Awwww finally got my nose pierced this morning.
Never fight over a bus seat with an old lady who’s knitting.
Ignoring your kids has become so easy thanks to smart phones. My poor dad spent 18 years staring blankly into space pretending not to hear any question I ever asked, and I don’t know if I’d have that same level of commitment.
[stirring sparkling water with a hot dog] I wouldn’t say the lottery win changed me