Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If they made “I Know What You Did Last Summer” now it would be like, duh, of course you do, I posted it all on Instagram.

Nothing is worse than seeing a gorgeous girl that I’d never approach or stand a chance with and then finding out she has a boyfriend

[waits until purge night to illegally download music]

The way I see it, you have 2 choices: you can go with the grain, you can go against the grain, or you can go across the grain. 3. You have 3 (three) choices.

Had a nightmare then couldn’t go back to sleep so I got up and ate the cheesecake or at least I hope that’s what it was.

Comment on your friend’s vacation group photos and ask which kid is their favorite. Then suggest which child you believe should be the favorite.

A tattoo artist wants to practice doing chrome tattoos so I’m letting her give me a chrome tattoo for free tomorrow. I’m sure it will be fine

How to lose a gf:

Gf: which of my friends would be the most fun to have a 3some with?
Me: *names two of them*

I’m not a narc, but I did see my neighbors cat on a random porch 2 blocks away, took a picture, and shouted IM TELLING YOUR DAD

*aggressively waits in line*

Adding more corn and pumpkin to my diet this fall.

If I could just figure out how to decorate piles of laundry, my house would look AMAZING during Christmas.

astronaut: we made it. we’re finally on mars

mission control: congratulations! now, the main reason for this trip: do you see any signs of-

astronaut: *sighs* no, no signs of candy bars

mission control: shit

hello 9-1-1? my girlfriend’s been kidnapped
“stay calm sir, what’s ur girlfriend’s name”
oh she goes to another school u wouldn’t know her

You bring home one goat and suddenly you’re not allowed to go to the farmers market unsupervised anymore.

impressing strangers by telling them i drive a Nissan Easy Bake Oven

I don’t know about you, but I could really go for a punch in your face right now.

I’m at my most walk of shame when I’m wearing sweatpants heading back to the buffet for the third time.

The “it’s ok to use ‘disability’ as an insult as long as you’re not using it to insult a person with a physical handicap” logic. #facepalm

Garfield creator breaks silence to give impassioned speech. “It’s pronounced Jarfield” he says through tears

In the movie Speed, Keanu saves the passengers thanks to a gif

My 2-yr-old has a toy phone that she pretends to talk on.

She looked right at me and said “hewwo?” into the toy phone.

I grabbed my phone and said, “hello, Isla! This is Daddy!”

She then said, “Isla not home” and hung up on me.

*makes a series of careless mistakes that are clearly my fault*

Mercury in retrograde again I see

Move over, pizza rat. 🍕 A Philadelphia woman found a groundhog outside of her home munching on a piece of pizza for over an hour, completely unfazed by her two dogs.

is she “spiritual” or does she just really like rocks?

Neighbor: My daughter is in Pre-K.
Me: So she’s in J?

[Arthur’s Court]

SIR LANCELOT: We shall be’est known as the Knights of the Square Table

SIR CUMFERENCE: I doth like it but heareth me out…

“You do you” is the nicest way to call someone an idiot.

Me: *seductively* I’m ready for my cavity search

Dentist: please stop

Hi, it’s me, your housebound friend. Since I have years of experience at this, and you lot seem to be out of ideas already, I will be providing you with daily suggestions of ways in which to entertain yourselves at home. Ready?

March 16th: Teach the cat a conjuring spell.