Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you wrap yourself up in a blanket, you can show up to work late and say you were just rescued by the Coast Guard.

That’s no pocket rocket.

A passenger is at the airport at 6AM in a pressed suit and said “good morning!”

Excuse me, sir, that is not the vibe here. The rest of us have agreed to be sullen and wear the closest thing to pajamas you can legally leave the house in.
Go back and try again.

Describe yourself in four bold words and two exclamation points
Me:

I have a cartoon in the current Private Eye

Her: I bought a wireless bra today.

Him: What’s the password?

This has got to be the Twitter exchange of the day.

I’d roll around in garbage with you. Not the garbage from the bathroom though, that’s gross, but the good stuff that comes from the kitchen.

Hell, it’s the 70s all over again. Cheap gas, shaggy hair and no where to go

If you’re worried that you added too much cheese to the recipe I am here to reassure you that you did not

It’s been 5 days since the last full moon. If you’re still trapped as a werewolf it’s time to see your doctor or veterinarian.

6 months ago I made a commitment to myself to get healthy and today I’m still fat because I didn’t do any of it.

Twas the night before Christmas, all through the house not a creature was stirring not even my vodka martini because it’s shaken not stirred

Dear future self,
No, you weren’t robbed. You left your house like this.
Sincerely,
You, you dumb slob.

Winnie the Pooh: will u marry me?
Piglet: for the last time, u don’t get a literal “honey” moon
Pooh: pls say yes I need to see for myself

ME: [in santa costume, covered in chimney soot] that was hard. how does santa do it
WIFE: well santas not real, hun
ME: [drops cookie] WHAT

Convertibles are great if you want to arrive at your destination looking like a startled wookiee.

I might consider rejoining the Catholic church if the Pope knew karate. Otherwise forget it.

If Planet Fitness didn’t want me eating a turkey leg on the stairmaster then they shouldn’t call it a “Judgment free” zone.

I rinsed a big spider down my kitchen sink and then I put coffee grounds down. Now I’m worried a caffeine-fueled arachnid is going to leap out and come after me.

I finally found the horrific smell in my house. It turns out I have toddlers.

Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.

Do something nice for your ex today, take them out. One bullet should do the trick.

Vegetarians need to chill. Mankind is messed up because someone ate an apple they weren’t supposed to.

4-year-old: What’s that?

Me: A vegetable you won’t like. If you don’t tell Mom, I’ll take it from you.

*eats her bacon*

why you guys always think you were some cool person in your past life and not a fly that lived for like 24 hours, settle down

Got sad news today. After 7 years of medical training, my good friend has been struck off after one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his patients & now can no longer work in the job he loves. What a waste of time, training & money. A genuinely nice guy, and a great vet.

I discovered my knee feels better if I take stairs at an angle. But now every time I walk down I have to sing Puttin’ on the Ritz.

I found something called bath bombs in the cabinet and honestly I had no idea we were even at war with the tub

Why would a married man buy a hearing aid?