Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I bet a lot of guys who don’t think that rape is a big deal were super upset when that U2 album was put on their phone without consent.

[prison]

PRISONER: what’s for breakfast

GUARD: every meal is bread & water

PRISONER: [is a duck] oh baby

i don’t trust anyone who says they miss high school

The rest of the world: It’s so hot I cooked an egg on the sidewalk!

Canadians: It’s so hot I had to put the margarine in the fridge!

What idiot named it “proposing marriage” and not “engaging the enemy”?

My doctor says I’m a hypochondriac. Is that any way to speak to a woman who’s probably dying?

Seeing men with their noses sticking out over their masks makes me hope I never see how they wear swim trunks.

I truly wonder what it sounded like when Medusa washed her hair at night.

Bus driver: *over intercom* it appears we have lost our brakes

Everyone: *freaking out*

Bus driver: which is dumb because I used to get 10 minute breaks every 2 hours

Everyone: *calms down*

Bus driver: oh also we are headed for a cliff

Me, age 18: I’ll be a homeowner by the time I’m in my 30s

Me, in my 30s: I own a single pair of matching socks

A load of falling lizards is called a blizzard, right??

Imguana see myself out

That earthquake could have been an email.

[Sloth Job Interview]

Sloth Boss: How would you describe yourself?

*2 hours later*

Sloth Interviewee: Quick-thinking.

You can describe my personality as being confidently wrong all the time.

*cop pulls me over*

Cop:Had a bit to drink tonight?

Me:What makes you think I’ve been drinking?

*cop leans over and turns off lawnmower*

Treat your SO like your cell phone. Even if you’re not paying attention to them, keep them safe in your pocket

Forget the dress guys….. What color am I?

Welcome to parenthood: where the laundry basket is always full and the threats are always empty.

interviewer: this part of your resume just says “entrepreneurial spirit”?

me: [remembering my get-rich-quick scheme of catching rats in the street and trying to return them to the pet store] it was an idea ahead of its time

Her: We need a three-way…
Me: How about Joanie?
Her: …bulb in the living room lamp.
Me:
Her:

Me: *turns on faucet*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*
Me: *turns on the garbage disposal*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*

Repeat forever.

Commonly confused phrases:

In the same boat = We’re going through this together

On the same page = We understand each other

In the same trunk = We’re getting kidnapped OMG

You’re not an “empath”.

You have “chronic heartburn”.

I don’t hate anyone. I just don’t like people.

I think I found a perfect place for Spongebob.

when you’re a parent you can expect to find a banana anywhere. ANYWHERE.

Telling a woman she’s being unreasonable is like juggling lit torches while waist deep in gun powder.

Sex therapist: Try swapping positions tonight
Me: ok

[Later]
Her: Wanna have sex?
Me: No thanks

I wonder if the woman sitting in front of me at this game knows I can see every sexy text she sends her man as she sits close beside her other man.

Whoever invented the carpet sweeper probably died laughing.