Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Get your kids Christmas pajamas so they’ll have something comfortable to fight in.

Damn girl are you the sun because you need to stay 92,960,000 miles away from me.

My sister thinks macadamia nuts is an STD.

If you’re using YOLO to justify doing something stupid, remember you only DIE once too.

Inspirational tweet.

Based on the TV shows I watched as a kid I was expecting a lot more pies to the face by this point in my life.

Client said she needs to “find her zen” during our mediation and I don’t think she knows that mediation and meditation are two diff things.

“Pull over! Get out of the car slowly and let me see your shoes!” – fashion police

[shampoo bottle falls in the bath]

all other bottles: WE ARE COMING FOR YOU, BROTHER

Him: I’ll pay for dinner.

Me: I want to pay.

Him: I’ll feel better if you let me pay.

Me: Well, if your health is involved, go ahead…

Me: I’d like one wet wipe please

Wet wipe packet: the best I can do is 10

Please, keep trying unsuccessfully to suck the snot back up in your nose instead of using a tissue. Everyone loves the noise you’re making.

Me, at a Renaissance Fair: Well actually, that type of staff is inappropriate for the type of wizard you are portraying.

We cannot all be trying to head home at 5:00PM. We have to start going home in groups

Tissue boxes be like “Hey there’s only five tissues left in here so why don’t you just take them in a giant clump.”

I’m going to tell people they’ve put on weight while handing them a plate of food, so I can be my mom for Halloween.

Your daughter seems to have nice boyfriends. They all seem to be involved in community service.

BROTHER: The Godfather is on? That’s not very Thanksgiving-y.
ME: Well, it’s about family…

Man at the dog park: Who’s a good girl? WHOSAGOODGIRRRRLLL????

Me: *looks around* *slowly raises hand*

I’m an ass man, myself. 100% ass. Made of ass & butts & that’s it. This thing that looks like a face? Ass. These fists? Little butts. Hi.

The first generation gentle parent in me resisting the urge to say ‘that’s what happens when you don’t pick up your shit’ when my kid falls over a toy.

I let an AT&T Customer Service Representative call me Brenda for a half hour because I was too embarrassed to correct him

I don’t buy fat-free milk because I don’t want to encourage cows with negative body image issues.

What’s that, Lassie? Timmy’s in trouble? His marriage is falling apart? He’s having an existential crisis? I’ve got my own problems, Lassie.

[finds money in jacket]
nice
[finds more money in pants]
Today is my day. On a roll
Boss: will you please take my jacket & pants off?

If you are attracted to both men and women with muscular arms, you’re bicepsual.

WIFE: how old is your daughter?
WIFE’S FRIEND: she’s eight going on nine.
ME: *whispering* That’s how numbers work

Guy: How many puppies does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Do you know yet?
Me (in a sea of puppies): No, they haven’t done it. Bring more

The “oops, wrong hole” excuse doesn’t work when she catches you with her best friend.

It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife & I have sex. We hide the videos but he always finds them