[on a date]
Her: I like a guy who’s chill and not jealous
Me: What’s his name?
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Float like a malevolent entity. Sting like a priest throwing holy water at you.
Every time my neighbor mows his lawn at 7am, I just stand on my front porch naked with my coffee watching him.
Just this preview of the story is enough
I’m following around cop cars all day to let them know how it feels.
*raises the last pack of toilet paper to the sky like Simba*
[text]
“Hey”
Hi.
“I’m just laying in bed thinking about you.”
This is your mom.
“New phone who dis?”
Eric, that doesn’t work. You texted me.
We found out today how many people it takes to hold me down for a flu shot.
HIM: isn’t wintertime just so romantic
ME (smiles & my lips crack open & blood starts pouring down my chin): oh definitely
Anyone who says time flies, has obviously never been on a treadmill.
I know the English colonized the world and all, but it’s hard to take them seriously when they create recipes like “bubble and squeak” and “toad in the hole.”
I don’t hate you, but if you we’re drowning, I would dive in and handcuff a piano to your neck.
You (a simpleton): I hate the Hamburglar, he steals all the burgers
Me (went to business school): McDonald’s uses the myth of the Hamburglar to create an illusion of scarcity and increase the perceived value of its products
it’s cool how the members of Anonymous are so good at computer stuff, but also wrote so many great poems and inspirational quotations.
It’s fucked up that probably everyone believes their pets share their political views
million dollar idea: worm dehorser
[sees a dog about to get run over]
Me [dives toward dog & rolls to safety]: that was close
[sees a cat about to get run over]
Me: car coming
Me: Any news?
Doctor: I’m just waiting for your x-ray.
Me: But I’ve never dated anyone called Ray.
Doctor: And we might do a brain scan.
F•r•i•e•n•d•s only its D•o•g•s
but instead of claps in the theme song,
barks
You gotta Snapchat, dm, and text your girl all @ the same time. That way if you piss her off in 1 convo, you still have two lives left.
Why is “Dark” spelled with a K, and not a C ?
Because you can’t C in the dark.
Sometimes my memory is not quite as good as my forgettery.
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
For someone who doesn’t have any friends, I seem to ask a lot of questions for them.
Now, where’s the sport in that?
Billy Joel’s Friend: bill i hate that we’ve kept this from you, but.. we started the fire
Billy Joel: and you just LET me write that song?
As a kid: I can’t wait to stay up late and no one can tell me when to go to bed
Me at 41: ope my fitness device just said it’s bedtime. I better go.
I SHOULDN’T NEED TO BE A GODDAMN COMPUTER SCIENTIST TO SET THE CLOCK ON A COFFEE MAKER!!!
Oh, wait, never mind…I got it.
I like to take candy from a kid cause sugar is bad for them. Then, I eat it in front of them while saying, “don’t do this”
Thank you for fixing my bends, but why on Earth did you crack my rims?!
