[on a date]
Her: I like a guy who’s chill and not jealous
Me: What’s his name?
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We will all sleep a lot better if someone tells us the nuke passcode requires spelling.
The first rule of fight club is to ask her, “Is that what you’re wearing?”
My boss called in sick of me
The gym is completely deserted. It’s normally packed on January 1st. Is it finally the year we all give up? Why didn’t someone tell me? I jogged here.
He reacted like the people in those David Blaine street magic videos
kids today are like “so what did y’all do before the internet? did you just not know anything?” and the answer is yes. you would ask your aunt Marge a question, she’d give you the wrong answer and you’d carry that misinformation for twenty years.
waiter: do you want me to bring you some boxes
me: what’s in them?
[spelling bee]
“your word is… death”
can you use it in a sentence?
“in most states, yes”
me: *buys condoms, tampons, lice shampoo, adult diapers, yeast infection cream, an enema and a pregnancy test*
cashier: would u like a bag
Me: well someone woke up in a fowl mood
Turkey: *getting dressed* please lose my number
[1st day as cop]
captain: “why did you call for back up”
me: “there was a fly in my car”
swat team leader: “what exactly do you think we do”
Before I burn any bridges, I like to make sure there’s no bars or restaurants I really like on the other side.
Sometimes I feel so bad about not being perfect but then I remember people who expect you to be perfect all the time are exhausting and then I scratch my armpits like a monkey.
we’re dead?
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When I was 18 I thought it would be cute to get a butterfly tattoo on my lower hip but after 6 c-sections it looks like a sad moth in a top hat.
At what ages do your kids who are 10 years apart stop fighting with each other? Because it’s not 19 & 9 😒
5 second rule? I’ll take a pill that’s been under the fridge since last March
I accidentally wore a beetle inside. Neither party was happy about this.
It’s like my dad always used to say, “Don’t go around acting like the Village idiot.”
Found my 7yo vacuuming his room before school, so I guess the aliens switched him in the night
the wife told me that we’re invited to a country themed party so I’m wearing this
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I don’t flex at the gym…but I will air dry to the Macarena to buy myself some space in the men’s locker room.
I wish there was something called the pizza/enchilada/beer diet where you lost weight. Cause I’m on it and that’s not what’s happening.
hi yes i’d like a vodka salad please
“you mean a bloody mary”
yeah yeah whatever just hurry it up
me: time to hit the hay
wife: you’re going to bed?
me: no i just really *clenches fists* hate hay
My birthday is tomorrow. I accept gift cards, cash, cheesecake, or a beach house. You pick.
I saved $38 by moving the fish tank in front of the TV during “Ellen” and telling my kids it was Finding Dory.
When a girl tells u about her favorite animal – “I’d eat one” is not the right response.
In Hell, you’re surrounded by people saying ‘suposably’ and ‘irregardless.’
Me: I’m smart!
Also me: That is the weirdest looking otter I’ve ever seen!
Hubs: That’s because it’s a seal