Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Forced homeschooling has taught me I had way too many kids

New COVID variant tries to sell you an extended auto warranty.

me: hey cat what are you up to

cat: ʜᴀɪʟ ʟᴜᴄɪᴘᴜʀʀ

me: what

cat: meow

Why did Star Wars Episodes 4, 5 & 6 come out before 1,2 & 3?

Because in charge of directing, Yoda was.

boss: why did you cross out “world” on my “world’s best boss” mug

me: have you met every boss in the world

boss: no bu—

me: just seems like a lofty claim

boss: {gesturing at my “universe’s awesomest employee” shirt}

me:

boss:

me: this one’s true tho

Some baby on this plane is singing the ABCs all out of order and a guy just shouted “yes girl remix!!”

Don’t be alarmed,
you’re not a clock.

Wife: Is dinner ready?
Me: Not yet.
Wife: Are you using the slow cooker?
Me: You could say that

An alien abduction but it’s just my kid shining a flashlight in my face in the middle of the night asking if I’m awake.

A French press is when you hug naked

I took my 4yo to the playground for the first time in months and based on what I’m seeing I think they’re teaching parkour in kindergarten these days

Going to change my display name here to “Actually…,” so I won’t have to type it out every time I reply to a tweet.

What base is it when she says, “I saw a box of fish sticks and thought of you”?

Damn girl, if you was a fruit you’d be a fineapple, if you was a vegetable, I would visit you in the hospital as often as I could.

[buying condoms] Do you have anything bigger? Like if someone wanted to pretend to be a slippery ghost for a day, or something like that.

I miss lying to closest friends about where i am on my transit journey

[kissing at a bar]
HER: wanna get out of here?
ME: (glances over at the menu and sees they have potato skins) not really

imagine playing truth or dare and they dare you to go home

Today it’s going to be really important that you listen well because we have to take a plane, train, and subway—

7yo: did you know if you spin in a circle really fast like this you fall down?

ohgod what if there’s some murderer in the backseat of my car while i’m driving alone and they hear me singing this cranberries song off-key

YES I HAVE HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE!!!! WHY DO YOU ASK?

According to autocorrect, my favorite Star Wars character is Bob’s Feet.

if they ever legalise drugs, Nestle definitely need to make a KitKet

nobody will remember:
– your salary
– how “busy you were”
– how many hours you worked

people will remember:
– that time I ate 30 pickles
– the rash I got looked like Alaska
– I am allergic to pickles

Me: [ Seizing the Day ]

Monday:

If you’re asked, “What’s your biggest weakness” in a job interview, just be honest and say carbs.

when no one’s looking worms use shovels to dig

my physical therapist told me to do yoga in the cold to get rid of my pain. she called it frozen yog-hurt

psychic: [sees guy in crowd w/ a pony tail] Sir did u know a Chad?
“yes”
From karate?
“YES”
Chad wants u to know he’s ok
*guy starts crying*

My 3 year old had a tantrum earlier and afterwards he apologized for yelling at me. When I started to hug him, he said ‘if you just did what I wanted I wouldn’t get mad.’

Same, kid. Same.