Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Tattoos are a nice way to forever honor loved ones, like family members who have passed away, or skulls with bat wings that have passed away

You’ll use a different oven for the pizza, right? RIGHT?

Double cheeseburgers don’t make you fat, eating them does.

Chaos Theory or how my wife describes my dishwasher loading technique…

me: damn! this pizza burned the inside of my mouth

*immediately takes 2nd bite*

If a woman wears a hair tie around her wrist you can be sure she is always ready for something, like maybe a brisk jog away from men who misinterpret meaningless gestures as every woman wants to be viewed sexually.

Wind In The Willows: Choosing Nicknames:

Ratty: I’ll be The Ratster!
Toad: I’ll be The Toadster!
Mole: I’ll be The Molest… I’ll be Moley.

If you do the Macarena while you cold call people to ask about their political opinions that makes you a poll dancer.

I’m definitely a ten

…tative 4

“You’re the Garbage Man, eh? What’s your super power?”
“I’m just here to take out the trash.”
“Whoa, we’ll get to your catch phrase later.”

[Office]
Secretary: Mr. Grey will see you now.
Anastasia Steele: I have a ridiculous name.

’50 Shades of Grey’ taught me how to please a woman. It’s by writing a shitty book.

VERY difficult to convince the apple store people that you’ve only ever dropped your phone 3 times if you dropped it twice in the store.

Just by looking into someone’s eyes, you can tell if they have eyes

My signature move is parking closely to the sports car at the end of the lot taking up four spaces.

My villain origin story is seeing the Twitter ad for the dog pooping toothpaste 1000 times in a day and finally snapping.

Daughter, who can clearly see me cleaning the toilet: “Mom do you like being a grownup?”

I’m smart. Just not remembers how to write a cursive Z, smart.

It’s so cold that the local flasher was caught *describing* himself
to women.

I couldn’t afford an engagement ring so I just poured a can of spaghettios on her hand

*pointing at a mothers shrieking baby* is this guy bothering you?

I took a test to see if I have multiple personalities. I scored 100%, 92%, and 88%.

I’m on the steak diet. You just have four steaks for breakfast, four for lunch, then a sensible dinner of six steaks.

*drinking my first beer with my dad*
“I can’t believe you made me eat the other ones”

In pretty sure my wife’s most prized possession is her plastic bag full of other plastic bags.

JOSEPH: oh thank god you’re here

MARY: did you bring the diapers blankets and formula

WISE MAN: no i brought myrrh

My husband thinks it’s really weird I only like green bananas and I think it’s really weird I have a husband.

Unpopular opinion: I want bathroom scented candles to be called john wicks

my last girlfriend broke up wth me after she went through my phone and i refused to tell her why i searched for goth grandpas

Every mealtime I put a table mat under 9’s plate to catch the crumbs so they don’t go on the floor and at the end of every mealtime he sweeps the crumbs off the mat onto the floor. I think he’s faulty and would like a refund