[on a date]

Her: I love music

Me: *casually pulls guitar from underneath the table* Oh wow, where did this come from?

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Autocorrect changed “stranger” to “strangler” & it made me wonder how often I must have written about murdering people to teach it that.


[end of long conversation]
HER: let me give you my number
ME: great! [forgot name] how do you spell your name?
HER: k-i-m


So, when she said she wanted a ‘fairy-tale’ romance, she didn’t actually want me to eat her grandma or lock her in a tower?

Dating is hard.


EDWARD SCISSOR HANDS: I’m gonna kill you

EDWARD ROCK HANDS: not so fast

EDWARD PAPER HANDS: Looks like we’ve got a real Mexican stand-off


Every man wants a smart woman until he wants to win an argument.


For all we know, half the birds are telling the other birds to shut up.


My boyfriend asked for a dirty pic last night, I was able to get my whole kitchen in the shot. That should last him a while! He’s so weird.


[Darth Vader sitting down]

DV: *takes sip of smoothie before spitting it out* What’s this?!? I said strawberry-banana!

Aid: We thought you might want to try kale again for your health my Lord

DV: You thought?

*begins force choking*

You have kale’d me for the last time


Pics or it didn’t happen… unless it’s your kid’s first day of school, then we’ll just take your word for it.