Autocorrect changed “stranger” to “strangler” & it made me wonder how often I must have written about murdering people to teach it that.
[on a date]
Her: I love music
Me: *casually pulls guitar from underneath the table* Oh wow, where did this come from?
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[end of long conversation]
HER: let me give you my number
ME: great! [forgot name] how do you spell your name?
So, when she said she wanted a ‘fairy-tale’ romance, she didn’t actually want me to eat her grandma or lock her in a tower?
Dating is hard.
EDWARD SCISSOR HANDS: I’m gonna kill you
EDWARD ROCK HANDS: not so fast
EDWARD PAPER HANDS: Looks like we’ve got a real Mexican stand-off
Every man wants a smart woman until he wants to win an argument.
For all we know, half the birds are telling the other birds to shut up.
My boyfriend asked for a dirty pic last night, I was able to get my whole kitchen in the shot. That should last him a while! He’s so weird.
[Darth Vader sitting down]
DV: *takes sip of smoothie before spitting it out* What’s this?!? I said strawberry-banana!
Aid: We thought you might want to try kale again for your health my Lord
DV: You thought?
*begins force choking*
You have kale’d me for the last time
*angrily detangles self from wind chime*
Pics or it didn’t happen… unless it’s your kid’s first day of school, then we’ll just take your word for it.