Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

cow: [feeling sick] i have four stomachaches

I took the battery out of my biological clock and put it in the TV remote.

The fastest way to break your favorite mug is to say “I love this mug”.

[filling out job application]
Race: Barbarian

Cyber Monday is probably my favorite holiday to get paid to do my Christmas shopping at work.

*In Class* Please don’t call on me, please don’t call on me! *Teacher Says Your Name*

After I use the restroom, I thoughtfully put the seat back down and also close the lid and place a heavy object on top to contain any intruding snakes.

American Horror Story: Public Restroom

I hope you prayed for me in church today.
There’s nothing I have going on, I just like the attention.
Thx

WIFE: would you chop these onions for me
ME: sure
WIFE: I meant with a knife
ME (tightening the belt on my karate robe): aww man

So apparently a no-fly list isn’t a comprehensive log of all other insects.

No one lies to themself more than the person that says they’ll do the dishes after they “relax for a little bit”.

If they made “I Know What You Did Last Summer” now it would be like, duh, of course you do, I posted it all on Instagram.

My pants had a harsh talk with me this morning and said enough is enough or they’re going to split

Google “cat”. Tap paw.
– just do it!!

animation is NOT for kids. animation is for nobody. drawings have no business moving like that

Who called it sex ed and not getting an edufornication?

Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.

Friend nagged me for TDKR OST. Renamed Backstreet Boys song and mailed them to him. Fun.

girls w long ass hair love to cut three inches off and be like “i love my short hair omg it’s so short”

Today I learned you can use disposable
masks to brew espresso.

That’s because they’re coughy filters.

Fun Fact: Bananarama had the highest potassium levels of any 80’s pop group.

Tried to steal some candy from a baby.

I got hit in the face with a rattle and then it puked on me

They lied about how easy that was.

Wife: [on phone] I just got home where are you guys?

Me: the hospital.

Wife: what happened?

Me: our son swallowed a watermelon seed.

Wife: so? it’s not like it’s gonna grow a watermelon in his tummy lol.

Me:

Wife:

Me: we’ll be home in 10 minutes.

Me: ‘I need to lose some weight.’

Fries: ‘Let’s do it together.’

So when two guys get super friendly it’s bromantic, but what about two girls? Can we make homantic a thing? Or ‘gina buddies or something?

Corgi: why are my legs so short?

God: that’s just what legs look like.

Corgi: oh cool.

[giraffe walks by]

Corgi:

God: you weren’t supposed to see that.

“No son, leave Santa beer and pretzels”

But daddy, Santa likes-

[gently puts hand on his head]

“do what I say or he’s not coming”

My wife and I have started making videos of plates and bowls that we’re selling from home while snowed in.

Now is the winter of our dish content.

If one door closes & another door opens, you’re probably in prison.