Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

No trip to Home Depot is complete without at least two more trips to Home Depot for what you didn’t know you needed to buy the first time.

What will you contribute to the fight during the coming zombie apocalypse?

I will contribute a drawer full of Whataburger ketchup packets and McDonald’s hot mustard packets.

So, I assure you, you will want me on your zombie fighting team.

My boys from the living room:
“I’m telling mom!”
Me from the bedroom:
“don’t come tell mom shit!”

You have to be careful about sending your spouse things on social media. You send too many things, next thing you know chores are being redistributed because of “all the free time you clearly have”

me when someone’s obsessed with me: yikes

me when someone’s not obsessed with me: wtf

i’m at the age where i have to stop myself from throat punching people who say they’re sooo old when they turn 30

Twitter is kinda like my diary except I don’t use a glitter gel pen or tell you guys how much I miss Josh.

[Hospital]

Me:How’s my dad?
Dr:I’m afraid he’s in critical condition

*shout from inside room
“You’ve never lived to up to your potential!”

My new diet consists in killing anyone who tells me I’m fat.

Cyber Monday is probably my favorite holiday to get paid to do my Christmas shopping at work.

We’re over here teaching our kids math and history when what we really need to be teaching them is how to open a package or box of food without mangling it beyond recognition.

rapatouille

If you’re looking for some alone time away from your family, start telling them a story about a great deal you got on something you bought using coupons.

If you start to miss your family and want them to come back, get yourself a snack, open a book, or make a phone call.

If I’m ever murdered, it will be because I said something absolutely perfect to someone with no sense of humor.

Treadmill salesman: This one has 12 incline levels and can maintain speeds of up to 15 miles per hour.

Me: (dumps two loads of laundry on top) I’ll take it.

Breaking news:

Mormon: Want to hear about my religion?

Me: I already know. There can be only 1

Him: That’s Highlander

Me: Come back when you have swords

Not ALL my jumpsuits are for crime fighting. One is for leisure fighting.

My accountant just googled when tax day is in front of me.

I’m going to jail.

Yes, mother, I have gained weight.

No, it was not appropriate to point it out by pinching my muffin top in front of thirty people.

If you want to know what you really look like hand your phone to a 5-year-old to take a picture.

“I need to buy a book for school before tomorrow.”

~ Kids, at 10pm Sunday night

6 year old: I ate all my lunch today!!

The evidence to the contrary:

in high school our gym teacher asked us who we thought the smartest teacher in the school was. we guessed the AP chem teacher, the precalc teacher, the AP physics teacher, etc. he goes, nope, it’s me because I get paid the same as those guys and I play dodgeball all day.

My boss just left which means I have finished all of my work for the day.

I hired a person to randomly show up throughout the day and put baskets of bread on my desk.

lots of war chat today so it is time to remind everyone that you did not in fact fight in world war 2, that was a film you saw

Movie super villains always have wild origins stories like “Fell into radioactive goo” or “Possessed by alien” when a more realistic and gritty one would be “Attended Harvard”

*accidentally leaving the house without headphones* oH NO NOW PEOPLE CAN SEE ME

Hate it when I tell a guy something deeply intimate and personal and he’s all, “Ma’am, does that complete your order?”