[on a date]
Her: *sneezes*
Me: God-
Her: *sneezes* Thank you
Me: -dammit, what’s taking the food so long?
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I want to go see the new Queen movie but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
Steps into crowded elevator car. Faces everyone. Doors close.
“I’m not sure how long this ride will last so I’ve decided to take a lover.”
Not sure to be insulted or not, but I cleared out a room of coworkers just by announcing
“I have a plan, trust me”
Person drinking Smart Water: It’s like I’m being smart about what I put in my body.
Me, mouth full of Smartees: We’re so much alike.
Took my little niece to the zoo. So many questions. “What’s that? Why’s its neck so long? How long does it live?”
I think she got fed up answering in the end.
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbors who wrestled a large moose last night
“Failure is how you grow.”
– my bathroom scale, picking the wrong motivational quote
“I’m gonna make a cool new social media site for college kids, but only for a few years. Then it’ll be a mom scrapbook” ~ Mark Zuckerberg
Do you rake up your leaves or do you wait until the wind blows them all over into neighbor’s yard like a normal person?
Why do animals in Lion King worship Simba? Do they not know they are food?
[1st day as criminal sketch artist]
Victim: He was blonde had blue eyes, he was about 6ft t….
Me: I’m gonna need a longer sheet of paper
I feel like the person who named pink eye also named orange juice.
wife: it looks too tight
me: it’s fine, let’s just go
[ten minutes later paramedics have to cut my turtleneck off after I pass out]
*slowly unwraps a candy bar as neighbor talks about her new diet
The guy in the office next to me is trying to save the company $1.7 million dollars from the IRS. Meanwhile I’m busy googleing “whale dongs”
I’ll probably stop watching “The Crown,” now that I know how it ends.
[ cooking class ]
teacher: first, we’re going to sweat the onions
me: *uncomfortably close to cutting board* where were you on the night of june 22nd
The moon is waxing but my interest is waning because I like a moon with full bush ok
No, autocorrect, switching “generics” to “gerbils” in the message I sent to my doctor without proofreading first was actually extremely helpful, thank you for that.
ME: I want a koi swimming downstream
TATTOO ARTIST: Ah yes. That’s very symbolic. You must be very spiritual?
ME: Ya ha. Also, put a pop-tart in its mouth
Lance isn’t really that a common name anymore. In the old days, people were called Lance a lot.
The Secret Service are so bad at their jobs. Everyone’s heard of them.
Me: “Take me to your leader!”
60,000 bees: *Just stuffing me awkwardly into the hive*
babe wake up they’re canceling someone you’ve never heard of before
Oh, you’re an early riser?
Yes.
Have kids?
No.
A farm?
No.
Insomnia?
No.
Medical condition?
No.
Psycho.
Pronounces Canada like armada and i’m not from there so obviously i’m not sorry.
My husband surprised me by taking the day off. I guess today is the day he finds out we’ve actually had a cleaning company for the last 5 years.
Ben Affleck works at Dunkin’ Donuts in their new #SuperBowl ad.
It feels unfair that my evolutionary nervous system reacts like my toddler is in danger every time he screams at the top of his lungs, when in fact, i just opened his lollipop the wrong way.
The easiest way to bust outta the joint is to methodically carve a bar of soap from a gun you purloined from a deputy, & then throw the fake soap onto the floor of your cell. When the guard comes to pick it up (it’s a safety hazard), simply run past them & away to the mountains