(On a date)
Her: the last guy I dated was really immature, so I ended it.
Me: haha yeah that was a good call…
*deletes ‘funny goat sounds’ app from my phone under the table*
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My current wife doesn’t like my use of adjectives
Firefighters should carry around water pistols like cops carry guns.
The head of my homeowners association told me I can’t burn any effigies over 15 feet tall in my yard, so I know exactly what my next 14′ 11″ effigy will be, hope you like it Todd
I’ve never seen anyone go through drug withdrawals, but I once hid my son’s iPad for 10 minutes.
Camels: Can drink 100 liters of water at once and go a full week without rehydrating.
Me: Drinks a thimbleful of water an hour before bedtime and wakes up to pee eight times.
But have you tried acting like a cicada and screaming nonstop until someone has sex with you?
I found a pair of black rimmed glasses in my purse and they’re not mine and I’m worried Superman won’t be able to turn back into Clark Kent without them.
Date: I know a lot of dance styles
Me: *trying to impress* Uh me too
Date: Any ballroom?
Me: Yeah, my pants are relaxed fit
Date: What
Me: What
i was just about to start being a good person but then i got mildly inconvenienced
CONDUCTOR: Oh my dad’s in the audience
[waves to dad]
[orchestra goes crazy]
Kid: Dad, what does ironic mean?
Dad: Well son, when 2 people decide to get married on Independence Day…..
COUPLE: “We’re trying for a baby”
OWNER OF HOOPLA STAND: “You know that’s just a doll, right?”
Technically, it’s not road rage once you pull into their living room.
My five stages of waking up:
1)Denial
2)Denial
3)Denial
4)Denial
5)Extreme hostility
Me: [eating apple & staring out window] It really works.
*roving gang of doctors walk past house*
*feral teacher crashes through window*
My first day in hell I accidentally bump into the meteor that killed the dinosaurs in the cafeteria. Everyone gasps. Satan drops his fork.
Be the reason she can’t walk properly.
~ 5 inch heels probably ~
Today’s fortune cookie reads: ‘you are the only human in this restaurant don’t look up’
[invention of surfing]
“Stand on this wood so sharks don’t eat you”
I began writing full time 20 years ago. I’ve sold lots – my tv, my car, my jewellery…
She was rare, like a Billie Eilish song I can actually hear at normal volume.
*Buys world map*
*Pins map to wall*
*Promises to visit wherever dart lands*
*Throws dart at fridge*
*scrolls through Facebook on Mother’s Day*
me: EVERY SINGLE MOTHER CANNOT BE THE BEST MOTHER EVER. THAT’S NOT STATISTICALLY POSSIBLE. BESIDES, MY MOM IS.
90% of parenting, is saying different variations of “We don’t eat waffles with our feet”.
Like my dad, I often confuse american and british english. I guess I’m a crisp off the old distance along a street between two intersections.
I think it would be great if ice cream licked you back.
Seize the day! Kidnap the evening! Murder the night! Assault the afternoon!
Turns out my teen wanted to leave for school early so we’d have time to watch Netflix in the car and not because she was eager to get to school. I know this now.
[murder trial]
LAWYER: So you unplugged your wife’s life support for five minutes?
COMPUTER TECH: Sometimes that works.