Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Told my kid it was time for a screen break and you’d think I asked for both of his kidneys

My boyfriend’s really happy we can meet up again now lockdown’s over

My husband not so much so

Engraved on my tombstone:

No matter how the ground shakes
or what you hear,
please do not dig me up.

Especially at night.

Anyone else having a near life experience today?

This guy on Animal Planet is looking for some kind of leopard and I’ve never wanted someone to be eaten by a leopard more than I do right now.

me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete

dracula: vie

me: for a crossword puzzle

I’m not a professional actor, but I have successfully pretended to care how coworkers’ weekends were for decades.

Wife: Been a long time since we went on a vacation.

Me: Great idea. Where do you wanna go?

Wife: Some place romantic. Paris.

Me: Ok. And I’ll go to Thailand.

When dealing with the police it’s important to always remain calm and be white.

Don’t forget to get your Valentine’s Day shopping done before Pete Davidson buys everything up.

[Thanksgiving Dinner]

“Ursula, would you mind saying grace?”

“I’d be honored. Let us join hands and bow our heads. WAIT FOR IT…grace.”

“Will he ever wake up?”

He’s been in a coma for 3 weeks but watch this. *starts playing Pitbull*

*patient wakes up to turn off the music*

“I don’t want no scrubs” a doctor says before she violates, like, a TON of health codes

My neighbor accidentally called me “love” in a text looking for his cat and now we have more reason to never make eye contact again.

[consoling widow] I was the one who put the kick me sign on your husband. I had no idea you owned a horse that can read

funny how dumbass pet animals will eat the same thing every day without realizing that Subway® offers over 19 different ways to Eat Fresh™

*spits out mouthful of blood* it’s gonna take more than that to kill me

Dentist: for the love of God just floss

Did it bother anybody else that the guy from that “Operation” game was clearly wide awake?

[Hospital]
Doctor:”…and so the baby is fine.”
Me:”And my wife?”
Doc:”I’m afraid she’s critical”
Me:”I know! But how is she?”

Wife – remember to compliment the host

[later]

Me – your wife is hot

You should just be thankful for all the things I don’t say.

“YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF!”

I scream at my bladder in the middle of the night

mom, did you know there are more kids than teachers at my school?

-my 7 year old making the best of her public education

My wife recently got into a minor car accident with my kids in the car. When I arrived at the scene to check on them, the policeman was super nice and gave my crying kids free ice cream coupons.

He then gave me an attitude when I asked for a coupon too.

Marriage Tip: Always be dumber than your spouse at math so you don’t have to help your kid with his math homework.

I put my pants on like everyone else.

with hope they still fit.

I spilled beer on a guy. He said “You wanna dance?” I said “Can’t, I don’t have my dancing shoes on.” He was so disappointed, he beat me up.

Leap years mean nothing when you have bad knees.

Dating tip:

If she says she’s into beards, don’t compliment hers.

Instead of a dress code every senator should get to choose how one other senator dresses.