[On a date]
Him: I love a woman with a sense of humor, I’m a sucker for a good pun.
Me: omg same. lol Jeremy if you were sliced up into little pieces and soaked in coffee liqueur and then layered between ladyfingers you’d be a jeramisu.
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: jeramisu
the beatles really said “i am the walrus, i am the eggman” and the world was like “ok”
Budget: She really knows how to stretch me to the limit.
Spanx: Dude, look who you’re talking to.
Going down to the shelter today to adopt a rotisserie chicken
No, officer, I haven’t been drinking; my toddler just needed to hand me everything from the back seat.
Airlines will call themselves Air France then fly from Costa Rica to Germany
Website: You can’t use your last 5 passwords
Me: Stop flexing that you have a better memory than I have.
I was home alone the other day and was frightened by a very loud noise, then I realized it was just my stomach growling.
The family you’ve pictured in your mind, is never the one that shows up at the BBQ.
death: it’s your time
me: in my dying era
death: what
me: going ghost mode
death: stop
Thanks for the push notification, Siri – that’s exactly what I needed in that moment 🫠
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
I’m pretty sure all of the 7 dwarfs were named after a stage of Snow Whites’ heroin addiction.
The new iPhone 7 is just a slower, heavier, thicker, and much less attractive version of the iPhone 8.
I just overheard some passing 8-year-old announce that after only two days of school he has already found a girlfriend, and now I have to unpack the fact that I don’t date at even a third-grade level.
Top Gun is a Christmas movie.
There is no tree and no Santa, but they do kill a goose
[getting cremated]
Ahh, I’ve finally reached my ideal weight.
Unsure if you want kids or not? My son told me he throws the grapes that “look funny” behind the couch and I just found his secret pile of rotting fruit.
Take a selfie with me one last time
-the sign on my casket
A relationship should be 50/50.
50% man
50% bear
50% pig
[Tim Burton tries baseball]
COACH [rubs eyes]Got it now
T: Yes
C: Ok. Pitch
T: A dark haunted tale starring Johnny De-
C: I’m gonna kill him
Influencer doing makeup tutorial : this is so easy you can NOT mess it up
Me: oh honey…you have no idea
The worst part about painting is drinking the brush water.
Running is the best way to remind yourself how much you love sitting.
foreign coworker keeps referring to our org chart as our “hierarchy” and it’s making our more socially attuned leaders visibly uncomfortable lmao
My 4yo has been wrapping up his toys in newspaper and giving them to me as gifts all morning.
Really wishing right now I had bought him better shit.
I’m sorry that I’m canceling plans.
I made them last week when I assumed that, by now, I’d be a different person.
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he objectifies women
ME: [trying to stuff bread into her armpit] toaster
