[On a date]
Him: I love a woman with a sense of humor, I’m a sucker for a good pun.
Me: omg same. lol Jeremy if you were sliced up into little pieces and soaked in coffee liqueur and then layered between ladyfingers you’d be a jeramisu.
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: jeramisu
“Damn you, Autocorrect!!!!” – Mark Zuckerberg, who had intended to announce that he was giving away 99% of his socks
Me as a chef:
oops! 5 second rule!oops! 5 second rule!
oops! 5 second rule!
Pick up, table two
I hate to brag but my family has testified against me in court more than yours has.
How does the little mermaid decide which creatures are her friends and which ones are her bra
My wife never talks about the 99 times I watched her purse and didn’t lose it.
You know you are old when you say “I’m old” and nobody wants to object to it.
I feel I’ve done my best to tolerate lactose long enough.
New smartphone: $1,000
Monthly fees: $200
Data overages: $75Never talking to anyone:
Priceless.
Me: just cuz my resume is on a napkin doesn’t mean it’s not good
Employer: there’s a chicken nugget stuck to it
Me: oh is there? *winks*
Acting like you’re reaching to answer the reference desk phone while you’re actually trying to let the other librarian get to it first is an upper-level skill, they don’t teach you this stuff in library school
Like my dad, I often confuse american and british english. I guess I’m a crisp off the old distance along a street between two intersections.
Girl are you a prescription from my doctor ’cause you might be good for me but I can’t read you at all.
Geppetto: Whew it’s a cold one.
Pinocchio: Mhmm.
G: Fire’s running low.
P: Mhmm.
G: Wonder *sharpens axe* where I could get some wood.
JAMES BOND: Bond. James Bond. I’m the best-known spy in the world.
ME: “Best-known”? But that would make you the WORST spy in th– *slumps over with cyanide cufflink in my neck*
*trimming my nose hair in the mirror
You sexy beast.
Please stop talking about the weather. I recorded this season of The Weather Channel but I haven’t watched it yet.
Every parent the first time their teen drives on the freeway.
There is a trend of babies being named after characters in “Frozen”.
“That’s Stupid” says a 24 year old named Ariel.
a pizza is basicaly a real-time pie chart of how much pizza i am going to eat
Me: ‘I miss you.’
The Point: ‘No shit.’
friend: have u accepted jesus christ as yr savior so u can be allowed into the kingdom of heaven?
me: who all going?
Just saw a sign that said free hugs. I didn’t even know Hugs was arrested
My ambition is to be the last man on earth so that I can find out if all those girls were telling the truth.
I bought a new cat tree for my cats and they are just having the best time playing in the box it came in.
Me: I just really want to kick this habit
Therapist: You want to kick nuns?
Me: No, it’s just an expression meaning I can’t escape my addiction
Theraprist: Oh, what are you addicted to?
Me: punching nuns
Curiosity should start overthrowing the local government and drilling for oil any minute now.
I’m not saying I’ve got a girl crush on you, I’m just saying lesbiadorable together.
*Takes off clothes
*Enters meeting room naked
*Coworkers gasp in horror
*Slowly backs out of room[whispers] “you said debriefing”
