I lost an ibuprofen under my dresser a week ago and now I’m worried the spiders are coming after me with no headaches and renewed vigor.
[On a date]
Him: I love a woman with a sense of humor, I’m a sucker for a good pun.
Me: omg same. lol Jeremy if you were sliced up into little pieces and soaked in coffee liqueur and then layered between ladyfingers you’d be a jeramisu.
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I sexually identify as Nickelback because people are ashamed of how much they secretly enjoy me.
Yes, lady who took two parking spaces. I’m the reason you can’t get in your car from the drivers side.
Have a nice day 🙂
genie: “thats definitely your last wish?”
me: [smiles at my wife in wheelchair] “yes”
our dog: “how can i talk all of a sudden?”
Someone called me stupid and then blocked me before I even had a chance to agree with them.
me: i guess you could say i’m “livin the dream” lol
teacher: sure but why the one where you show up to school naked
Helping my 5yo with his homework. Does anyone remember how to write the alphabet? Like with a pencil?
Cashier: would you like a receipt?
Me, suddenly realizing I have nothing in my pockets to throw away when I get home: yes
I love drinking games…. except the one where you have to try to walk a straight line while saying the ABCs backwards
Good thing some people show their bare chest in their profile pic, otherwise we wouldn’t have known they had a torso.