If anyone asks, I’m only watching three shirtless buff guys work on the neighbour’s roof because home improvement projects are super educational.
[On a date]
Him: I love a woman with a sense of humor, I’m a sucker for a good pun.
Me: omg same. lol Jeremy if you were sliced up into little pieces and soaked in coffee liqueur and then layered between ladyfingers you’d be a jeramisu.
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Well I guess someone had to be the cautionary tale. You’re welcome, everyone.
1. Cover elevator floor with glue.
2. Put ring on floor.
3. Wait for someone to kneel and get stuck.
4. “Yes, yes, a thousand times yes!”
“Watch what happens when the human children hear the sound of their mother eating something four rooms away.”
-if animals made nature shows
Masks have freed me to do a whole lot of weird things with my mouth in public that I never even knew I wanted to do.
Me: Mom said be wary of a full moon.
Moon: That’s no excuse for eating my food.
[spelling bee finals]
JUDGE: your word is “asterisk”
KID: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: *adjusts mic* yes
[I time travel and bring back Shakespeare]
SHAKESPEARE: What’s this?
ME: That’s a meme
SHAKESPEARE: What the hell is wrong with you people
I just got a headache from bending down but yeah, age is just a number.
Ever been so completely out of toilet paper that you send your kid next door to get some?
Me neither, I just like to embarrass my kid.