Somebody in my gang is an undercover police horse. I’ve narrowed it down to Dave, Kyle and Sugarcube
You Might Also Like
Just showed my 4 yo niece that I can still do a cartwheel and now she is showing me where the ice packs are.
My wife and I are going to be super bummed if we don’t get a good grade on our daughter’s science fair project.
My kids’ school sends home so much artwork I’ve had to buy 8 refrigerators since September.
Films and television have led me to believe that masquerade balls have a higher mortality rate than most wars.
Avoid getting crumbs in your bed by eating in your kid’s bed.
Me: You want to see me rip a phone book in half?
Kid: What’s a phone book?
In my younger days, I was bullied. Fed up one day I punched the biggest kid in class. I think about that teaching job often.
Twitter is fun because you get to be like, “Ducks are good” and someone in your mentions will go, “Um, I’m sorry but my brother is married to a duck scientist and this is a harmful view” and then someone else pops up going, “Your silence about horses is extremely telling”
Whenever my bitchy Ex used to whine about something, I reminded her that time heals all wounds…
Then I threw clock at her face.
You don’t have to make the same mistakes your parents made. An ambitious person makes new mistakes.
Police can solve more crimes if they arrest every adult who owns a creepy mask.
They should watch more of Scooby-Doo.
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
Never let the printer know that you are in a hurry.
Drafting a lengthy preamble to a meeting I’m running helps to set the tone, provide context, and guarantee that I’m never asked to run a meeting again
See that sad girl up on the hill with tears ?
That’s not me..I’m the one over there running away from a goose with a corn dog in my hand.
Try not to put yourself in a position where you have to say “I’m not actually a Nazi”
This staff meeting could have been a haiku.
Why do people knock on a locked public restroom door? And what is the person inside to say? “who is it?”
My child saw my high school senior picture and practically screeched “MOM WHY DIDNT YOU TELL ME YOU WERE PRETTY??!!” so you guys just go ahead without me
wife: Did you leave a good tip?
[flashback to me writing “Always look both ways before pulling out into traffic” on the check]
me: Yep
12yo: imagine if cargo shorts existed as pants…
Me: they do, they’re called cargo pants
12yo: WHAT
[wife holding box of mac & cheese] the powder packet is missing, weird
[me holding large glass of what looks like orange milk] that is weird
I said ‘wake me up with just your mouth’ and she’s not stopped yelling until after I jumped out of the bed.
[doing group photography]
ME: now let me take one without the flash
THE FLASH: what the-
REST OF JUSTICE LEAGUE: wait let’s hear him out
WARNING: I WILL NOT STEAL YOUR BOYFRIEND BUT I MIGHT STEAL YOUR CAT
They can identify a dead body by its dental records. How cool is that? “We don’t know who he is, but we know his dentist!”
Snakes are terrifying because they can’t trip and fall over shit. No creature should possess such power.
Iron: you’re always trying to turn me into something I’m not!
Blacksmith:
An alien makes contact. I take it home, give it a sandwich. Then ice cream. And then, to show we’re an advanced race, an ice cream sandwich.
Screamed in horror as I woke to find two severed horse heads in my bed, but then laughed remembering I hadn’t removed the one from yesterday