@elle91

[On a date]
Him: I love a woman with a sense of humor, I’m a sucker for a good pun.
Me: omg same. lol Jeremy if you were sliced up into little pieces and soaked in coffee liqueur and then layered between ladyfingers you’d be a jeramisu.
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: jeramisu

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@TjSmooth0

I lost an ibuprofen under my dresser a week ago and now I’m worried the spiders are coming after me with no headaches and renewed vigor.

@xLiserx

I sexually identify as Nickelback because people are ashamed of how much they secretly enjoy me.

@Book_Krazy

Yes, lady who took two parking spaces. I’m the reason you can’t get in your car from the drivers side.

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@KeetPotato

genie: “thats definitely your last wish?”
me: [smiles at my wife in wheelchair] “yes”
genie: “ok”
our dog: “how can i talk all of a sudden?”

@TheMichaelRock

Someone called me stupid and then blocked me before I even had a chance to agree with them.

@daemonic3

me: i guess you could say i’m “livin the dream” lol

teacher: sure but why the one where you show up to school naked

@TheMichaelRock

Helping my 5yo with his homework. Does anyone remember how to write the alphabet? Like with a pencil?

@leakypod

Cashier: would you like a receipt?

Me, suddenly realizing I have nothing in my pockets to throw away when I get home: yes

@Nips_00

I love drinking games…. except the one where you have to try to walk a straight line while saying the ABCs backwards

@Parentpains

Good thing some people show their bare chest in their profile pic, otherwise we wouldn’t have known they had a torso.