@elle91

[On a date]
Him: I love a woman with a sense of humor, I’m a sucker for a good pun.
Me: omg same. lol Jeremy if you were sliced up into little pieces and soaked in coffee liqueur and then layered between ladyfingers you’d be a jeramisu.
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: jeramisu

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@junejuly12

If anyone asks, I’m only watching three shirtless buff guys work on the neighbour’s roof because home improvement projects are super educational.

@SSparklesDaily

Well I guess someone had to be the cautionary tale. You’re welcome, everyone.

@rolldiggity

1. Cover elevator floor with glue.
2. Put ring on floor.
3. Wait for someone to kneel and get stuck.
4. “Yes, yes, a thousand times yes!”

@momTruthBomb

“Watch what happens when the human children hear the sound of their mother eating something four rooms away.”

-if animals made nature shows

@elunatyk

Masks have freed me to do a whole lot of weird things with my mouth in public that I never even knew I wanted to do.

@MissSassy_Pants

[First Date]

Me: Mom said be wary of a full moon.

Moon: That’s no excuse for eating my food.

@jwomackou

[spelling bee finals]
JUDGE: your word is “asterisk”
KID: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: *adjusts mic* yes

@BuckyIsotope

[I time travel and bring back Shakespeare]
SHAKESPEARE: What’s this?
ME: That’s a meme
SHAKESPEARE: What the hell is wrong with you people

@caroline_umc

Ever been so completely out of toilet paper that you send your kid next door to get some?

Me neither, I just like to embarrass my kid.