REMINDER: It’s almost March.
Don’t forget to to take down your gum disease decorations.
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I tell my toddler to “ask nicely” and instead of saying please he whispers his demands and I’m not even sure that he’s wrong
Sex is great and all but have you ever been tased in a Dairy Queen parking lot?
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
Son: Mom fell thru the ice!
Dad: Grab a new box of cereal!
*Opens bottom of box*
Mom [bursting through ice]: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?
in ratatouille 2 we find out that the secret to remy’s talent was a flea named jacques who lived on his head and controlled him by tugging at his individual hairs
I don’t wear sunglasses because it’s unfair that a photon travels 93 million miles and then when it’s an inch from my eye I’m all “um, no.”
Studies show that men who have sex more often tend to have a longer life expectancy.
Unless your wife finds out.
It’s ok, stock market. I’m steadily declining every day too.
I tried a onesome before, but I started catching feelings.
Alligators can live up to 100 years, which is why there’s an increased chance that they will see you later.
My computer caught a mosquito virus and has malwaria.
I saw a horse last week and didn’t immediately say ‘horse” but it finally came out today in the middle of an important meeting and everyone thought I was brain storming
“Charlie, I want a divorce.”
[in a black robe sacrificing a chicken on a satanic blood alter] Why?
Slave1: I never knew my parents
Slave2: same
Moses: I was put in a basket & placed in a river
Slave1: do baskets float?
Moses: they do not
coworker: my favourite are samosas. what about you?
me lying about having tried Indian food: I mean how do you argue against samosas
College Math: Your kid lives in a dorm room the size of a matchbox. When she moves home, her belongings fill every inch of an entire house. How is it possible? Calculator allowed. Show your work.
knowledge is knowing the difference between ‘poisonous’ and ‘venomous’
wisdom is not arguing with your partner about it when they’ve been bitten by a snake
wife: I don’t think our marriage can survive the distance issue
me: what distance issue, I’m always here or nearby
wife:
me: oh
I asked my magic 8 ball about my romantic future and it said “I hope you like cats.”
Pro-tip for couples suddenly working from home together: Get yourselves an imaginary coworker to blame things on. In our apartment, Cheryl keeps leaving her dirty water cups all over the place and we really don’t know what to do about her.
The phrase “don’t take this the wrong way” has zero % success rate
Someone asked us to sign a petition in favor of backyard chickens and now my kids have a new idea for a pet
Fairies dart around the room to collect eraser shavings of mistakes you’ve made from the day. “I can’t carry anymore”, complains one. “How can this all be from ONE person?!” cries another, sweating profusely.
Her: Give me a chat up line?
Me: Uh ok, are you a zookeeper?
Her: *laughs* Because I’m so captivating?
Me: No, you smell like an animal.
gas pump: do you want a receipt? Y/N
me: *presses yes*
gas pump:
me: *pressing harder* YES
gas pump: lol nope
I am angry but not like really angry. More like Facebook angry where I call you letters of the alphabet. You F’ing B.
I come from a long line of idiots. One of my ancestors was stabbed to death by his fellow Greeks for shouting ‘Brojan Horse amirite’ while waiting inside to ambush Troy.
Crying and holding my daughter, “look baby, she looks like us.”
an artist’s interpretation of the moment I realized there was no cat food in the cupboard
There’s no candy called Smithereens, and I’m terribly disappointed with everything.