[on a date]
Him: I love the law.
Me: [trying to impress] I like food courts.
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Them: “A clever person solves a problem, a wise person avoids it”
Me: *takes a nap
Watermelons are just overweight diabetic cucumbers
My 4yo daughter happily announced that it was “murder season” today, and it took a solid 10 minutes to realize she meant crape myrtle, not murder.
I spent a good portion of today sitting in a Snuggie watching Cops. Eventually, they told me to go home and put on pants.
There’s no actual reason to believe that eating this entire bag of Doritos will make me feel better. That’s why it’s called faith.
“Does this look infected?”
*points to the entire world*
Hot Shingles in your area want to give you a painful rash.
[on Shark Tank]
Me: It’s a combat tank operated by sharks
Investor: Finally someone gets it
“They grow up so fast.”
– Me, looking at my problems.
I just took out a spider so big that, moments after, the postman rang the doorbell and I thought it was the spider.
when all you have is a rotisserie everything looks like a chicken
My 10 year-old nephew is learning about Argentina, so I told him about all the great wines they make down there, and this, my friends, is how you get out of after-school pickups.
[Guy sees octopus doing squats at the gym on 4 legs]
“You doing legs today?”Octopus: Yeah my fourarms hurt.
i’ve been ghosted enough to add paranormal investigator to my resume.
Just blew pot smoke on the huge spider hiding in my shower. I figure if I do this a few more times, he’ll be too stoned to attack me.
I own a lot of cleaning supplies for someone whose friends inscribed “dust me” on my coffee table recently.
I hate when I’m playing air guitar and I break an air string.
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
I’m in quicksand and then I realize it’s actually oatmeal. I start to eat my way out until I realize there’s no sugar, cinnamon or walnuts. Disgusted, I stop eating and let death embrace me.
M: I’m so glad school started!
12: Can you help me with my math?
M: OMG WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME?!
A spider just watched me open a pickle jar and then it committed suicide.
[gates of Valhalla]
ODIN: did you die in battle?
[flashback to me suffocating in a children’s ninja turtle costume]
ME: ya
Why is the recorder so ubiquitous in school music class?? If any kid was ever actually good at playing the recorder, we would all know of at least one adult who eventually went pro
Thinking about a snail with a limp
*watching Goodfellas for the first time* These fellas are morally grey at BEST
People keep asking Me why I created mosquitoes. To bite you repeatedly and give you malaria, that’s why.
Why is it, once you pick up a flyswatter, the little buggers never land
Stop breeding everything with poodles!!!
I realized I was taking too long to get my toddler her food when she started growling at me
Planning to edit the three Hobbit movies into one watchable movie. Should I use Instagram or Vine?