[On a date]
Him: I’m really into cars.
Me: [Trying to impress] oh yeah me too
Him: Oh nice! What’s your favorite kind?
Me: [Panicking] red
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My children were pretending to lead a workout class, and one of them stopped and yelled “tater tot break” and this is a fitness trend I can fully embrace.
A man accidentally made eye contact with me on the train, so I left my shoe behind.
And now, we wait…
“At least you’ll be safe from zombies,” I whisper to myself as I struggle to get my head out of the armhole of my shirt.
Me: I feel like eventually I will drive everyone away.
Uber Driver: Same, Girl.
Shrink: How many true friends do you believe you have?
Me: Define “true friend.”
Shrink: Someone you feel you can tell anything.
Me: 11,419.
Million dollar idea: Selling shower heads at the exit of a Ryan Gosling movie
no one will tell you this but the secret to looking hot in photos is looking hot in real life
Any room can be a room with a view if you are in it.
THE TERROR YOU FEEL WHEN YOUR PASSWORD DOESN’T WORK SO YOU TRY AGAIN AND AGAIN AND OMG HAVE I BEEN FIRED DID THEY FIND OUT THAT I SPEND ALL MY TIME ON TWITTER AND TIKTOK AND oh never mind I had the caps lock on
Husband: My mom will be over in 30 minutes.
Me: *immediately starts cleaning the kitchen*
Husband: *immediately starts cleaning the one closet nobody goes in*
The cool side of the pillow just stole my bf.
Ever look up at a star and wonder if someone else in the world is outside, staring at that same star while waiting for their french bread pizza to cook?
Once I spilled an ENTIRE cup of coffee in a cab and the driver started freaking out, but miraculously, it all landed in a cup holder, and I soaked it up with a sock. When we arrived, the cab driver got out to see zero spilled coffee in his cab and looked at me like a magician.
ME: what language is this
BING: croatian
ME: nice what does it say
BING: how the heck would I know
Princess Peach has been kidnapped so often, I’m beginning to think she might be Liam Neeson’s daughter.
Entrepreneurs will work hard and put in 120% for years only for one article to tell you that their secret is that they do yoga at 4.30am 🙄🙄🙄
*walks into room, turns chair around backwards & sits down with arms crossed on it*
hey kids…I’m here to talk about how chairs confuse me
“It’s not my fault I keep losing my gloves.”
– a kid whose fault it most definitely is-
people who sit in a long line and aren’t ready when it’s their turn, should be sent to the back of the line to think about what they’ve done.
There’s a dumb, ridiculous quiz that tells you what kind of cookie you are. Who does these things?
And just for the record there’s no way I’m an oatmeal raisin.
Shouting “shotgun” will get you the good seat but not when you’re boarding a plane.
Be the reason she can’t walk properly.
~ 5 inch heels probably ~
Why do we only do certain things for toddlers? Maybe I want some applause when I eat a piece of fruit.
I love Buzzfeed because all the headlines are something a drunk girl would say right before passing out. “Um did you know corgis can wink??”
Don’t you hate it when you’ve been working out for 2 hours and realize it’s only been 15 minutes?
Gen X kids never wanted to come home. Modern teenagers never want to leave the house.
Gen X parents of teens are basically feral dogs raising housecats.
WIFE: What’re the kids doing?
ME: Playing lawn darts.
W: Is it safe?
M: Hope not.
W:
M:
W: Wtf
M: Can’t afford to send both to college, Jen
My left earbud kept shocking me during my last zoom meeting. Can wifi be haunted
Me: “Aw, your baby is cute. How old?”
Woman: “Thanks, she’s 34 weeks. Do you have the time?”
Me: “Sure, it’s 972 minutes past midnight.”
Why do I keep seeing ads for yaks on my screen when I bought mine months ago?