Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

God: got bears?
Noah: Yup
God: got birds?
Noah: Ya
God: Unicorns?
Noah: Um… the bears ate them
God: WHAT
Noah: IT’S A LOGISTICAL NIGHTMARE

If someone posts a picture of their kid on Facebook making a stupid face, I like to comment with, “Oh, NOW I see the resemblance!”

Hot guy just walked up to me and said I was pretty so naturally I pulled out a Sharpie and drew a star on his forehead.

Human *builds first house*
House fly: finally

Every time my sexual partner changes positions or stops for a second I respond with “recalculating…”

The Dalai Lama: Do not let the behavior of others destroy your inner peace

Parents with kids of all ages: hahahaha yeah ok

girls on tinder will say “your parents will love me but your neighbors won’t” like what are you gonna do? start mowing at 7am on a saturday??

Before you tell a woman her makeup is askew, be sure she’s actually wearing makeup.

me: congrats, when is the baby due

pregnant librarian: oh it’s mine i get to keep it

Me: Hey Mom!

My mom: Oh haha I get that all the time

Me: Wha-

Definitely my mom: *walking away from me* Just one of those faces, I guess!

15, driving: [runs stop sign]

me: ommmgg ok you ran that stop sign back there

15: but no one was coming

me: ok ..IT’S NOT A SUGGESTION

I’m not built for teenagers driving.

Why does anyone like period dramas?
They’re bloody awful

Her: remember Jimmy Neutron?

Me: yeah, but I haven’t seen it in years

Her: what was the super hero the nerdy kid loved?

Me: ultra lord, and his name was Sheen

Her: yes, thank you. When’s my birthday?

Me:

Her: when’s my birthday Kyle

Me:

Me: happy b-

Her: it was yesterday

I tried killing a spider with kindness, but found that a shoe was much more effective

Did you know when someone annoys you it takes 42 muscles to frown but only 4 to extend your arm and punch them in the face.

[alien taking notes]

Humans: Reluctant to common sense gun control, yet somehow completely overreactive when approached by a bee.

[séance]
Medium: I feel a male presence coming through
Me: I want to get in touch with my late husband
Medium: His name is Tim?
Me: No, Luke. May I use your phone? He was supposed to be here 20 minutes ago

I’m convinced when squirrels run the road, nearly missing your car, it must be some kind of squirrel gang initiation.

I think my life would have turned out differently had I forwarded those chain letters in the 80’s.

This is the final season of Young Sheldon.

I hope they don’t kill him off.

Nobody loves a thunderstorm more than a teenager who promised to mow the lawn today.

cop: is this your chocolate factory?

wonka: why do you ask

cop: we have reports of maimed children and slave labor

wonka: that 8 year old owns it now

A man drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how a Mercedes bends

Enough with emails already. I’m only conducting business communication by Snapchat from now on.

“Wow, haha, this is awkward. I didn’t think anyone was home. Uh…oh well…bears gotta maul…amirite?”

A fun, gender neutral thing to call your partner: FOOLISH MORTAL

[first date]

Me: *don’t let him know you’re the Mona Lisa*
Him: You look nice tonight
Me: *smiles ambiguously*

In an alternate universe, the Tooth Fairy shoves extra teeth in your mouth if you don’t leave her money under your pillow.

[phone rings]
Mum: your grandad isn’t well. I’m afraid he’s on his deathbed
Me: well tell him to get in a different bed then