[On a date]
Him: I’m really into cars.
Me: [Trying to impress] oh yeah me too
Him: Oh nice! What’s your favorite kind?
Me: [Panicking] red
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Caterpillar: no legs wtf how do I get around?
God: *wearing bird mask* BOO
Caterpillar: o000ö
God: haha jk it’s just me
Caterpillar: oOOOö
God: SEE YOU’RE DOING IT
CYCLOPS: what’s that screaming?
PROF. X: I maxed out the difficulty in the danger room
WOLVERINE: [running through the aisles of a virtual grocery store trying to avoid talking to neighbors, old class mates, and ex gfs] NOOOOOOOOOO
“It’s the hap, happiest seeason of—” yeah go tell it on the mountain, Denise, I’m gift wrapping a basketball over here
date: i like a guy who’s strong-
me: i can bench 130 lbs
date: enough to tell the truth
me: on the moon
I have a Brown Paper Belt in Origami
Fun fact: If Celine Dion sang only the vowels in her name, it would be the lyrics to Old McDonalds Farm.
Tried to signal to my wife across the food court to buy me an extra McNuggets and now I’m in 3 gangs and have to kill someone named “Snake”.
Learn from your mistakes. Make better & better mistakes until you’re making the best mistakes possible.
Once a year I think about how when my brother and I were 10 and my sister was 3 she ran in the living room waving an empty package laughing manically at us she ate ALL the chocolate and left us none. I looked at the pack it said EX LAX.
Then I heard her stomach rumble.
back in my day criminals had the decency to carry around a sack with a “$” on it so you knew what they were up to
{Reaching adulthood}
ME: Oh, good, turns out no one knows what they’re doing.{2 minutes later}
ME: Oh, wait, seriously?? NO ONE KNOWS WHAT THEY’RE DOING??
I love Yahoo Answers because no matter how bizarre my question, someone in the world has already thought of it. And thats really comforting.
[every person who ever bought a used bookstore]
now I can bring my cats to work.
Me blacking out when I’m drunk is God’s way of telling me that what I do when I drink is none of my business.
COMPUTER: Enter your password
ME: [types ‘posh_people’s_tea’]
COMPUTER: Your password is too weak
ME: [high fives computer]
Husband: I’m going to turn off the gps and just drive
Me: Last words from the urban liberals as they drive into the rural mountains blasting classical music looking to get closer to nature from the comfort of their SUV before they’re chainsawed and cannibalized by the locals
Me: what word would you use?
Interviewer: I’ve just never seen “higgledy-piggledy” on a resume before
Ice, ice, baby. Ice, ice, baby. – Me taking inventory at the cryogenic infant storage facility.
When people tell me my skin is soft I can’t help but wonder if they’re measuring me for a rug
Not everyone was Kung foo fighting
I was just trying to get out of my sports bra
When I’m grabbing something off the shelf at the supermarket, I like to momentarily remove the first item and take the one behind it so I’m not buying the one that 50 other people have touched, a trick that no one but me has ever figured out
Credit card company called to ask about some charges on my statement.
It wasn’t a fraud check. They were just questioning my life choices.
I only sleep with people who make me laugh.
Luckily, I find myself hilarious.
#ThisIsWhyMeghanLeft
[knock on my front door]
Me: *pulls out finger gun and looks through peephole* Who’s there? What do you want?
Delivery Man: You ordered a pizza?
Me: *holsters finger gun* yeah, that’s right, sorry… *opens door*
Delivery Man: *shoots me with finger gun*
For as much as they teach you “Stop, Drop, and Roll” as a kid, I really expected to be on fire at least once in my life.
[alternate universe where vegetables enforce the law]
person: *sees a robbery* I’m calling the crops
computer: create username
me: liamneesonskid
computer: username has been taken
Grooming tip:
Cut your toenails every 2 to 24 weeks whether they need it or not.
Coke Zero sounds like a government pledge to eliminate fizzy drinks by 2030.