Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[hearing that someone has died]
oh no that guy hated dying

The ruling that legal papers can now be “served” on Facebook is ridiculous. Don’t they know the people they’re looking for are on twitter?

I bet squirrels walk at a leisurely pace when no one is looking.

Catwoman’s full name is Catherine Woman.

My Mexican friend is lactose intolerant. No whey Jose.

We’re finally out of lockdown!!!

Spare a thought for Melbourne waxing business on Wednesday morning. They gonna see some scary shit.

Actually, Sleeping Beauty is the name of the movie. You mean your favorite Disney princess is Aurora. Though I’m not sure how she can be your favorite if you don’t even know her name.

Woman at Starbucks ahead of me: Please stop correcting my daughter. She’s 5.

I bought a Mr. Microphone at a garage sale. Now I’m driving around yelling at bad drivers.
Best 25¢ I’ve ever spent.

Texts from mom:
Thanks to the supreme court, now it’s not just women who won’t marry you.

My son just demanded to be changed into different pajamas for breakfast.

Thanks, royal baby.

Me: Why is your face so cold??

Husband: *sheepishly* Took me a while to choose a snack from the fridge.

The Katy Perry song that goes, “You’re hot and you’re cold,” was actually about a microwaveable burrito.

Me: how was your date?
Friend: I ruined her panties.
M: Wow that’s hot man.
F: No she got food poisoning from my cooking, bro.

6: What is the skin of an M&M made of?

Me: Well that’s the creepiest way to ask that question.

First 20 minutes driving through farm country: “Isn’t this pretty?”
Next 3 hours: *can’t remember a life before corn*

daughter: can i keep the night light on?

me: and provide the monsters with a beacon to your location? use your head, sweetie

Me to husband: I’m about to cook, but first, can you do that thing I like?

Him: *disables smoke alarm*

When I laugh on my period

Yet another thing they should’ve saw coming

4yo: i’m going to scare them when they come in the door

me: oh wow that’s silly

4yo: yeah but I won’t kill them. This time.

me: wait, what?

They dug up a skeleton on my street. Crazy to think that somewhere out there someone is walking around without a skeleton

*holds up 2 ties*
which one, I have a big meeting today
“both are nice”
[wife calls later]
“how’d it go”
well, wearing 2 ties was a disaster

My wife got mad at me for buying the family size pack of oreos for just the two of us and I was like are we or are we not a family

We’d like to sincerely apologize for booking the Karate Convention on the same day as the Rare Wooden Boards Fair

Interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?

Me: probably that I’m easily intimidated by others

I: and your greatest strength?

Me: lulling others into a false sense of superiority

I can’t wait for my grandma to ask me repeatedly why I don’t have a boyfriend “because I’m such a pretty girl”.

I’m a psycho, grandma.

I’m out of tweets so I’m recycling some of my most dope MySpace status updates.

If YouTube ever goes down nobody will ever figure out how to tie a tie again.

Dear Cool People, they didn’t name a candy after you, did they? Love, Nerds.

“Four Weddings and a Funeral” is my favorite movie with 25% as many funerals as weddings.