[On a date]
Me: I want to be buried under a large oak tree, give my body back to the earth
Him: that’s so sweet
Me: no I mean right now
You Might Also Like
ME: Distinguished fellow, have you seen a monster in this Loch?
LOCHNESS MONSTER (wearing a massive fake mustache): *monster noises*
Interviewer: What do you have to offer our television news team?
Me: It’s something that could save your life. What is it? I’ll tell you tonight.
Interviewer: How soon can you start?
Your secret is safeish with me
im about to go on a date. im sure it will be perfectly normal and wont go viral or anything…
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
i could never be hannah montana because i would take one hit of a joint at a party, turn to the person closest to me, and immediately go “i neeeeeeed to tell u something”
Girlfriend just called me by my full given name.This is gonna end poorly.
Dracula had it right, sleep all day, live alone in a castle & explode into a thousand bats to get out of social situations.
cop pulling me over: whoa whoa, where are you off to in such a hurry
me: some of your colleagues are chasing me
“America’s Most Wanted” to return to the airwaves with an NFL edition.
Let’s settle this like men… men with bad judgment & unlimited water balloons
It’s Facebook’s 10th birthday today. Let’s all click “Maybe” on the event invite and then not show up.
Being a parent is hard work, but it’ll all be worth it when I need donors for a new liver.
I think the inventor of the internet likely didn’t intend for it to be used to post videos of simians reacting to humans doing magic tricks.
When you’re doing all you can just to get by in life.
Damn I went from ‘I miss the bird songs’ to ‘all right that’s a lot of chatter for 5 am’ pretty quick
[Morgan Freeman narrating my life]
*extended period of silence*
“What the hell am I supposed to do with this…”
My wife learned the closer you travel to the speed of light, the longer you live. Now she drives like she wants to live forever.
I asked when my gym membership was up and the dude said “day before Valentine’s Day” like I’m some genius who knows when Valentine’s Day is.
My walk of shame is leaving a handicapped restroom stall while trying not to make eye contact with the wheelchair guy who was waiting on me.
Kid: *spills cereal all over the floor*
My husband: Can you grab the vacuum cleaner?
Me: Sure *whistles for the dog*
The cycle continues
Sorry, can’t. I looked away while my child was in the middle of an hour long run-on story and now he has to start all over.
Being a mom means always wondering where that pee smell came from
I never realized how short a month is until I started paying rent
[walking past my neighbor cleaning up all his yard skeletons the day after halloween] holy fucking shit what happened here
I forgot the term “kidney stones” so I called them pee pebbles.
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
Normalize responding to work emails with:
“What the fuck are you talking about?”
4 made me pay 50 million to watch her gymnastics show then she did a roly poly, kicked me in the face and yelled at me for sitting too close do not recommend