Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Um how poor are you to sell your own yard? For real. And like, nobody’s going to buy it with tables full of junk all over it. Geez. Idiots.

Watching Unsolved Mysteries and getting mad when they don’t solve the mystery at the end

gas pump: do you want a receipt? Y/N
me: *presses yes*
gas pump:
me: *pressing harder* YES
gas pump: lol nope

*wears a clown mask hitchhiking*

Why’s nobody stopping, everyone loves clowns, right?

apparently “spite” is not the appropriate answer to “What motivates you?”

Artist: I love painting you. Times are tough.
Model: Are you a starving artist?
Artist: Kinda. *continues brushing butter on model*

So NASA found evidence there’s a parallel universe next to ours and honestly if 2020 gets any worse I’m grabbing my family and we’re bookin a flight outta here. I hear flights are hella cheap right now.

I wish job sites ranked jobs by the level of human interaction you will have to deal with on a daily basis.

I would like to nominate my husband for Father of the Year for having the innovation to rename Tomato Soup to Ketchup Soup, thereby getting our kids to actually eat it.

Girlfriend: YOU NEED TO MOVE ON

Me (sliding Blockbuster card back into my wallet): I’m trying…

So afraid of commitment I only play “Words With Acquaintances”.

Nice that I’ll hear “Just a little prick” today because I’m giving blood samples and not from some random person replying to my tweets for once.

Them: Awwww, congrats! Are you about 6 months along?

Me: Nah, just ate a burrito supreme.

Them: I THINK IT’S TWINS!!!

[in class]

Hermione: For once I want the teacher to get my name right!

Gar4y With a Silent 4: Totally know what ya mean

Every year my wife buys me Christmas gifts I didn’t ask for. Why would I need this many books about foreplay?

I’m sorry, but pouring some sugar on someone just sounds like a housekeeping nightmare.

every day around 8:30PM my body says “let’s go to bed” but I fight it and stay up til’ 3am anyway like the idiot adult toddler I am.

I think I accidentally became a nun:

✅ not banging
✅ may have inadvertently taken a vow of poverty
✅ loves long dresses
✅ has a lot of habits

hey joggers instead of those dumb little shorts you should wear batman costumes so I can feel like my neighborhood is protected

[Ninja Dojo]

Me: Sensei, how will I know when I am ready?

Sensei: When you are seen no more than your selfies on IG, then you will be ninja.

Sunday

Check in desk: We’ve oversold the flight so I’m going to put you in business class.

Me: Great.

*later*

Professor: The first rule of business is- you’re late. Please sit down.

Me: I think there has been a mistake.

Professor: I said sit down.

titanic just goes to show what can go wrong if you paint someone else’s fiancee

[terrible nursing home]

Old guy: How did you end up here?

Elderly me: I made my kids steak instead of hot dogs.

Him: *gasps* You monster.

boss: your coworker is concerned you don’t like them

me: oh, I don’t.

boss:

me: anything else?

Just saw an Orca shoplifting at Target

Body language tells us a lot about people. For example, my neighbor really doesn’t like to be held underwater for more than 2 minutes.

i shaved my chupacabra for this?

I’m guessing Scientology would have a lot more followers if they would’ve just come out and said they were pimps right from the start.