Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Honestly, silica gel must be absolutely delicious considering how much effort they put into convincing us not to eat it.

My childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.

Sure, I’m uncomfortable, but only in situations

I was once put in the ‘friend zone,” but with perseverance that all changed. I’m now in the ‘must stay 200 yards away at all times zone.’

“god has a plan for you” ok well i have some notes for him

Me: I like a full bodied wine.

Date: I’m not that knowledgeable about wine.

Me: It’s like, when the grapes were really thicc.

Me: What are we doing for Valentine’s Day?

My Husband: Raising three kids

[wearing World’s Best Dad shirt]
Wife: whys there blood on your shirt?
Me: its not my blood
Guy bleeding out in the yard: its not your shirt

Mario Kart:

1) stays in first place for 3 laps
2) gets passed by 5 people at last second
3) slams controller
4) quits job
5) divorces wife

Lmao the reply

advice to my younger self: dont bang that old man on his helicopter he’s not joe biden

Jewish Baristas, or as I like to call them…

He brews.

have we checked all food to see if exploding them makes them into something better or did we just stop with corn

A lot of people ask me “why do you lie about the high number of people asking you things?”

My parents and in-laws are visiting for the weekend. Whose around for a consensual kidnapping of me until Monday?

ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*

MY DOG: *ears prick up*

Wife: Can you take the kale chips out of the oven?

Me: Sure. Can you hold the trash open?

Let them kids believe in Santa! You believe you’re cute no one says shit

Dogs will go through amazing effort to get a better view of your plate

Murder is like art, as long as you can bullshit your way into justifying it, someone out there will be like “oh yeah, I totally get it.”

Interviewer: How do you explain this 4 year gap on your resume?

Me: That’s when I went to Yale.

Interviewer: That’s impressive. You are hired.

Me: Thanks. I really need this Yob.

I say, “Hi, friend,” to every animal I see, every time I see one, so they know I’m not their enemy, even to my own pets & it lessens my chances of being attacked.

Therapist: *pinching bridge of nose* I don’t charge enough an hour for this.

Me: *sees his fish tank* “Hi, friend.”

The documentary My Octopus Teacher will not be shown tonight due to tentacle difficulties.

Smoking is tricky. it gets me out of bed, it gets me outside. It gets me talking to the boys. It lets me look a little cooler than i should. It satisfies my oral fixation and my desire to fidget. It gives me an excuse to get a little snack at the store. But it’s french,

*Runs into bank with gun*
Alright! Everyone put your hands up!
*Tickles everyone*

5: Daddy whatcha doin’?
Me: Cleaning my shot gun
5:Why?
Me: Because one day a boy will like you
5:You mean like Ben?

*racks the chamber*

Check out this apple pie I made. Worked out real well.

ME: I wonder if it wrestles cutely too?
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the panda enclosure.
ME: lol. No. *gets mauled to death by panda*