[on a date]
Me: so how bout *seductively takes a bite of an orange* we go to my place
Date: you’re supposed to peel that first
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This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
HIM: And a trillion dollars.
GENIE: Alright, cool, that’s your last wish.
HIM: Haha, thanks! Too bad wishing for infinite wishes isn’t allowed.
GENIE: Why wouldn’t that be allowed?
HIM: It’s… it’s one of the rules.
GENIE: I’ve literally never heard that.
It be like that sometimes 😆
JOHN LENNON: Love is all you need
ME: This guy knows what it’s all about
JOHN LENNON: I am the egg man coo coo ca chu
ME: OK scratch that
Don’t let herpes become yourpes.
Just heard my son say to his friend “you’re probably dumber than your own controller” – what kind of child is my Xbox raising?!
What he says: Ya know, your mom is actually right.
What I hear: So, you have chosen death.
“Miss Yates, why didn’t Sam and Frodo just use the eagles to fly the ring to Mount Doom?” – Ted Cruz.
Dad-confession: it took me two pulls to get the mower started today. No one saw it, but I feel I’ve gotta be honest and accountable to all of you when I fall short.
*Woman throws a drink in my face but I swallow it all perfectly*
Sometimes you have to stop tweeting to have an alibi for ignoring texts.
9-year-old: *fighting with her sisters* It’s my turn for the remote!
Me: You’re going to school in two minutes. What does it matter?
9: It matters for two minutes.
the year is 3403 AD, crime is legal and cop’s are illegal, only one man is willing to break the law to make the law legal again: Crimecop
It’s not easy sitting around all day doing nothing. It’s hard to know whether or not you’re done.
My favorite machine at the gym is the water fountain.
sorry, eggs benedict are way too fancy for me. bring me some eggs steve
My husband told me the garage light would shut off within 3 minutes of shutting the garage door, and it’s only been 4 days, but I’m starting to think he might be wrong.
I coughed twice, so now I’m worried that the £67.43 in my bank account won’t split evenly between my two children when I die.
How deep is your love?
Please show all work.
Have fun, but be careful. Your sister was vacuumed up last week, and yesterday your cousin was killed with a shoe.
– spider moms, probably
Me: Please stop responding like Siri, it’s starting to creep me out.
Husband: On it!
Capri Sun taught me how to stab with accuracy.
I only eat free range chicken because I only eat food that was given the illusion of freedom before it was murdered
[Troy in the olden times]
“WTF is that?”
A wooden horse
“It’s not full of soldiers is it?”
[from in horse] JUST TAKE IT INSIDE & HAVE A LOOK
[wife is gone]
me: I’m gonna take apart the front porch railings
10: did mom say you could?
me: it’s my house too!
10: but did she tell you that you could do that?
me: I can do what I want
10: I’m texting mom
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
If you’re testing me, we failed.
I’ve been married for about 45 lbs.
waffles are just pancakes that ran into the screen porch door at full speed.
Autocorrect changed “baby rattle” to “baby battle” and now I’m googling where to buy tiny weapons.