Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I see under 30s getting married, I want to kiss them for their optimism and punch them for their stupidity.

Fitted sheet? You should see me try and fold a thong.

Always 🥴

I love how science fiction movies skip right to the fiction part.

wife calling me in the grocery store: where are you???

me: i’m over in the cereal.

wife: but i’m in the cereal aisle.

me: *whispers* open the box.

I hate it when people go round quoting the bible. I haven’t even read it yet, but somehow folks think it’s cool to give key plot points away

There should be an Uber for somebody to come over and wrap all your presents.

Night terrors are cool and all, but why wait?

Every year, falling coconuts kill more people than shark attacks, but the families of the shark victims are less embarrassed.

My house is almost 80 years old, so are some of the spiders, judging by the size of them.

Me trying to fit a 4 finger kitkat in my mouth because I’ve just heard one of the kids approaching

She said she liked animals but apparently all the fruit flies around my apartment was a “turn off”

I can’t afford an electric toothbrush, so I just roll a baby hedgehog in some toothpaste and hold in it my mouth for 15 minutes.

Them: You should spend time with the ones you love. You never know when they’ll be taken from you.

Me: You’re absolutely right.

[buys the concert tickets]

i just overheard this conversation from my family and i honestly give up jesus christ

sister: the bus driver earlier had sunglasses on + it’s been raining all day

dad:

sister: i wonder why. maybe he was blind?

dad: oh yeah, maybe

[they watch tv in silence]

me: ?????

The only double penetrating I’ll ever do is eating the double stuff Oreo I just dropped into my coffee.

Do you think, in a pinch, Jim Henson ever used Kermit as an oven mitt?

Survivor 1: “Help! I can’t swim! I’m drowning!” Survivor 2: “I have a buoy, friend.”

Some of y’all missed your appointment with the priest for your exorcism and it shows.

I just slipped in the shower and my life flashed before my eyes but it was just a series of other times I almost fell.

Carrot cake is both my favorite carrot and my least favorite cake.

Tweet thief [secretly the Backstreet Boys] 🎶am I original?

– Naaah –

Tweet thief: 🎶am I the only one

– LOL NO –

Tweet thief: 🎶am I SEXUAL

*Awkward silence*

DENTIST: let’s get started, shall we? *places drill on tray*
ME: um
D: *places giant needle on tray*
ME: uhhhhh
D: *places handgun on tray*

I always yell “FORE” when I’m throwing golf clubs out of my car at joggers.

Mugger: Hand over your wallet or else!

Me: *wearing a deodorant that promises 48 hour protection* Or else what?

“Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go” by “Wham” is my favourite song about wanting to slap someone if they did that.

Apparently, “I’m not circumventing your authority, I’m just trying to get around it”, was not the answer HR was looking for.

People ask me, “Matt, how do you do it?” , “Matt, what’s your secret?” , “Matt, why do you make up imaginary interview questions?”

getting a nose ring so i don’t lose my keys

[stewardess]
“Sir, even if you ARE, as you say, the REAL Slim Shady- the captain has asked for all passengers to remain seated at this time”