[on a date]
ME: Tell me about yourself.
DATE: October 5.[later]
ME: When can I see you again?
DATE: Maybe in a year.
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My advice to the younger generation: make your mistakes now. Because by the time you’re 40, you’ll barely even remember them! And then you get to make the same mistakes all over again it’s really fun
4-year-old: Why am I not in your wedding pictures?
Me: You were born 3 years later.
4: *cries because we didn’t invite her*
Being an adult is 99% wondering how you hurt your back.
Found my chapstick in my pants pocket before it went through the washer or the dryer in case anyone is looking for a life coach.
All I need is to hear those 3 special words
“Want a sandwich?”
i gotta remember that brevity saves energy and is worth the misunderstandings
I’m the hottest thing these people at the cataract surgery center have ever seen.
Pretty wild how people love surprises until that surprise is finding you hiding in their bushes
Congratulating #CrowdStrike for reaching its carbon neutrality targets six years early through its disruption of global air traffic today!
Possible Tic-Tac-Toe results:
a.) it’s a tie
b.) you’re an idiot
Princess: I shall marry whomever of you is the bravest
Suitors: [all awkwardly look at the toaster]
me: how’d the date go
friend: i got ghosted
me: wow that’s crazy how did the pottery turn out
sometimes when I think that I might be about to do something stupid or ill-advised, I think of grandma’s last words to me: “don’t unplug that”
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
*asks if their dog can come out and play*
FBI PROFILER, LOOKING AT PHOTOS OF MY HOUSE: White male, mid-30s, doesn’t have a lot of friends or close associations, probably read a lot about serial killers as a kid, eats a lot of bullshit food, no real skills
ME: I’m right here
FBI PROFILER: Talks like an idiot
I can’t be the only one that sees the day when
a direct message from a catfish is called carp DM.
Opening dryer:
Me: where’s the left sock?!
Parallel universe me: where’s the right sock?!
Other parallel universe me: extra pair again! Thank you, sock gods!
I cleverly paired my housekeeping work with my cardio, and now I can’t get myself to do either.
Bride and groom: *exchanging rings*
Galadriel: but they were all of them deceived, for another ring was made…
Hey people who say “look at our new baby”,
thanks for clarifying that because my initial reaction was to ask where you got the used baby
“Who’s the new guy?”
“We’ll explain later.”
“But-“
“Just look at the camera, Steve.”
An app where you and your SO swipe left and right on restaurants until there’s a match. No talking, no negotiation. Who’s building this?
What idiot called it a cow video instead of a bovine?
[concert]
SINGER: How’s everyone feeling tonight???
ME: Whooo, kind of stressed, I’m in standoff with my HOA regarding lawn ornamentation!!!
My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his BD cake in the break room fridge, but he is completely wrong, it wasn’t my finger.
Boss: You’re not fired but we’re taking away all your responsibilities.
Me: Cool, a promotion!
Boss: No–
Me: Sounds like a promotion to me.
Sing it!
Somebody’s car alarm is going off outside my house. Not surprisingly really because I live in the bad part of 1992.
I’m having trouble perfecting my dating profile
My husband isn’t helping with the wording as much as I’d hoped
I just want someone to miss me the way my 3 year old nephew misses me when I go to the washroom.