[on a date]
ME: Tell me about yourself.
DATE: October 5.[later]
ME: When can I see you again?
DATE: Maybe in a year.
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It’s an scientific fact that the smoke detector battery will only die at 0230
Every restaurant that opens around my town is like “come on by for amazing food, our hours are Wednesday to Thursday, 1pm-3pm, can’t wait to see you!”
6: how do you spell once?
Me: o-n-c-e
6: how do you spell upon?
Me: u-p-o-n
6: how do you spell-
Me: what are you doing?
6: writing a story. how do you spell…
It’s going to be a long weekend.
I’m so glad the internet is like this now.
Evil villain: You can run but you can’t hide!
Me: That’s where you’re wrong pal. *out of breath* I can’t do either
Bruce Banner: Please don’t make me angry. I’m begging you. Today’s—
*violently transforms into Hulk, revealing Wonder Woman underoos*
Hulk: (sigh)… laundry day.
“..,you will die in seven days”
*creepy voice on the phone*
Me; “new phone, who dis?”
Listening to my husband’s gorilla snoring and contemplating if I could record it and sell to the FBI as an alternative to waterboarding.
Anakin: …is it possible to learn this power?
Palpatine: *grins* not from a Jedi. Which is why I use SkillShare. SkillShare is an online learning community where you can learn—and teach—just about anything. Get two months of Skillshare Premium for free with coupon code “SHEEV”
Dammit! Woke up before I went to sleep, again.
[spider walking into first spin class] What’s the deal with the bikes?
*TRAFFIC GOING 60 MPH IN A 65 BECAUSE A COP IS DRIVING 60*
ME (passing the cop at 61 and not breathing at all): I feel alive.
Women say they want a guy who can make them laugh. I’d probably have done better if they’d specified that they didn’t mean by tickling.
I think LGBT sounds too much like a sandwich.
They say the cheetah is the fastest land animal, but nobody has ever clocked a parent whose child called for a plunger from within the bathroom.
Never tell me to “make myself at home”…i’m just gonna eat all your cheese and then take a nap.
[Psychiatrist’s Office]
ME: So do I just lie on the couch over here?
PSYCHIATRIST: Actually this works much better if you tell the truth.
The string of expletives that just left my mouth was so long, I clotheslined a cyclist two towns over.
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
20 yr old mom: my child is my life I would give my own life for him
40 yr old mom: GET OFF THE INTERNET RIGHT NOW OR I WILL END YOU
Went to P-T conferences yesterday and my 9yo was a hit with her teachers. She’s sweet, kind and hardworking. They even said “Great job mom and dad”.
This is the same 9yo who I once told to stop being loud, so she spitefully told Alexa to fart 47 times.
Boss: Lunch meeting, let’s go.
Me: Do I have to?
Boss: Free food and unlimited alcohol.
Me: *moonwalks to the car*
*talking to a cool girl at a house party while pretending my right foot is not currently stuck in the dog’s water bowl*
*Child putting on clothes very slowly while singing*
Me: You really need to hurry up – we’re going to be late.
*Child starts singing faster*
The cheese grader saw me walk in the house with a bag of shredded cheddar and shit got real awkward.
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe marriage should be between a person who hates pickles and another person who will eat that pickle.
I’d like to make my hangover regret me for once.
waiter: can i show you to the table
me: sure
waiter: here he is
table: [unimpressed noises]
Sure, sex ed is an important class but if you want teens to fully grasp the consequences of sex, have them spend a few min with a toddler. My 3yo just cried for a solid 20 min cuz I wouldn’t “take the hair off” my head. If that doesn’t convince teens to use condoms, nothing will.
I miss going to weddings just to bring home the centerpieces.