[on a date]
me: what’s your favorite book series about a big red dog?
her: uhh Clifford, i guess
me: wow we have a lot in common
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Me: I got the birthday cake for our son
Wife: It says Happy 3rd Birthday Josh
Me: oh shit he’s gonna be 4 isn’t he
Wife: His name is Jake
HER: Now that we’re in lockdown, we really need to ration our snacks
ME: *sprinkling Oreo crumbs over a log cabin made of Snickers* Yeah definitely
Me: I’m cutting back on wine!
Future Me: You might want to hold off on that decision until you hear what’s coming .
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u are not responding lol
[wedding]
i wrote my own vows *removes paper*
“chickety china the chinese chicken”
whoops wrong one *2nd paper*
“if i had $1,000,000”
I took husb, an English man with an active interest in medieval history, to a ren faire once. I asked if he would dress up and he put on a t shirt with a sheep on it, and told me he was dressed as “the economic powerhouse of medieval Europe.”
Every woman’s deodorant is called Delicate Whisper and every man’s deodorant is called Beef Shazam!
*on time travel bus* oh you’re going back to kill hitler? uh yeah totally, me too *pulls jacket over spice girls world tour ’98 t shirt*
TWO hops this time?
In this economy?
haha remember when I was in charge of a children’s birthday party at the pottery studio I worked at and I kicked things off by saying “alright it’s jenna’s sixth birthday, pretty impressive she’s made it this far…”
I open a fancy cigarette case and offer you a stick of beef jerky.
The person who named the eggplant must have been:
a) Colorblind, and
b) Totally high
2yo’s favorite cartoon is teaching him about centrifugal force.
When I was little, my favorite cartoon taught me never to order from Acme.
music journalism is simply finding a thousand ways of saying ‘good and also catchy’
The great thing about having three young kids is that you’re never lonely at midnight, or 1am, or 2am, or 3am…
In case anyone was wondering. I only missed 2 words this week on my 3rd graders practice spelling test.
4th grade will be tough for us. Please say a prayer.
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow you didn’t waste any time did you Becky
me: hi, can you tell me which is the bride’s side?
lawyer: guests are not allowed at divorce proceedings
My toddler threw a tantrum because I corrected him when he said he wanted to “Be Halloween for Mickey Mouse”.
I am now standing in the corner thinking about my actions.
sorry, eggs benedict are way too fancy for me. bring me some eggs steve
[20 minutes after it stops raining]
ME: *turns off windshield wipers*
Me: I’m going to have a shower
3: I’ll give you two minutes
oh you hate me? name all of my flaws
I witnessed some luteing today. Six men playing a sprightly medieval tune . Quite out of step with the times were they.
Fun morning at work…does Costco sell voodoo dolls in bulk?
God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?
Succession: powerful people are just as dumb and shitty as you. they just have power
Game of Thrones: powerful people are just as dumb and shitty as you. they just have power
Reality: powerful people are just as d- they know everything, EVERYTHING, and they control it all i swe
CarefulWhere’s your shoesPlease stop cryingMaybe eat somethingYou dropped the bottle- things you say to babies & drunks.
I want the confidence of my 3yo while taking a giant drink of straight lime juice after I’ve been yelling at her for 2 mins that she will not like it.
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife and I have sex. We hide the videotapes, but he always finds them.