Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Him: What’re you eating?
Me: All of it.

I’m impressed by girls who paint their eyebrows on. How do you pick one facial expression for the whole day? Like what if you find a penny?

why’s it called Top Gun when the guns are on the bottom of the plane

*out for dinner with friends*
Me: I’m going to need 5 desserts and 1 spoon.
Waiter: Don’t you mean 1 dessert and 5 spoons?
Me: You heard me.

My baby is now a toddler. Everything up is now down. On the floor. She’s trashing the place.

“Ninja please” -Japanese people

My plan to avoid getting lost in the IKEA both succeded and failed. Apparently, when you try to mark your path with swedish meatballs, they quickly find you and escort you out.

At what age do you tell your child Alexa isn’t real?

MAGICIAN: think of a card!
ME: ok.
MAGICIAN: is… this ur card?
[holds up card that says “UGH I HATE MAGIC SHOWS THIS IS CRAP”]
ME: holy crap

Oh. My. God.

The pharmacy will look you straight in the eye with no line of people and tell you it will be 20-30 minutes for them to take some eye drops off the shelf behind them and put them in a little bag.

Q: Why did the lawyer put his luggage on the table?
A: He wanted to rest his case.

Accidentally drove to work w/the kids still in the car & they waited until I parked to cheer that they weren’t going to school.
Mon-1
Mom-0

I don’t care how much you pay for sushi- you are getting a raw deal.

I hate it when I’m trying to take a selfie and somebody calls my camera.

[Bedroom]

Him: *Panting* I swear I usually last much longer than that

Her: Sure you do

Him: Time me *holds breath again*

“Cantaloupe? Or WON’Taloupe?” *SPLAT* Next week on MELON JUSTICE!

If you believe a food is 0 calories hard enough, it becomes true.

Follow me for more health advice

What’s the past tense of “wake & bake”?

“Woke and boke”?
“Awake and baked”?
“Awakened and baconed”?

Whatever it is, I’m that

boss: this company is more profitable than ever

me: how about a raise?

boss: sorry i have to take this call

me: your phone isn’t ringing

boss: [fakes heart attack]

*valentine’s night*

Me: I got you a new pair of shoes

Her: *crying* I sold my feet to buy you these earrings!

Me: *also begins to cry* I can’t hear you

if i text you “🤩” it means i have a starfish over each eye

A dating app where they just match you up with somebody with an identical credit score is yours

If my dog goes missing I have 3,789,897 current photos. If my kids go missing I have 3 photos from 5 years ago.

Aye. Do dis mean I get 3 wishes or nah

[Michael Bay directing]
“WE NEED A HOTTER CHICK”
Teacher: This is your son’s 3rd grade play
“Oh right. I forgot. WE NEED BIGGER EXPLOSIONS”

the $25 stuffed animal gets me every time

Peanuts are legumes
Cocoa is a fruit
Sugar is a beet

Conclusion: Snickers is a salad