Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Rap battle*

Me: *lips on mic* PLEASE STOP DROPPING THE MIC. IT WAS A BIRTHDAY PRESENT FROM MY MOM.

One time, I broke my iPhone
and for 2 days I had to tweet from my Macbook like a God-dammed homeless person

I don’t like to talk about it

10: “Did you know Saturn was discovered in 1610?”

8: “That’s not a real year.”

If you ever want your phone to ring just try to take a nap, it’s science

Funeral Request:
Spread my ashes on a windy day so I get in everybody’s eyes and mouth lol I don’t even like you guys

HUMPTY DUMPTY: Quick, put me back together!
TOTO: There’s nothing that 100 men or more could ever do.
HUMPTY DUMPTY: …maybe call the horses?

I don’t think I’m cut out for parenting.

– me, with four kids, ages 14 to 23.

Just think, there is coming an entire generation of idiots who will wonder: “Why did they have a hashtag button on landline phones?”

[1st day as an animal researcher]

*tagging a bear*

Me: you’re it

I plan on spending the weekend in a vintage perfume ad (walking, staring, hair, wind).

Him: How does my football throw look to you?

Me: Like you’re good at science…

me: you know what, make it a double
proctologist: what?

My kids are starting to ask questions that I don’t know the answers to so I’m going to have to trade them in for dumber models.

I wear a 3-piece suit to bed in case someone breaks in & we have nothing to talk about. “Did you notice I’m wearing a suit?” “Yes”

Everyone pointing out that it’s suspicious how many AI tools are free, it’s because building a tech company these days 100% revolves around giving people your product for free/at an extreme discount until they forget how to function without it, then closing the jaws of the trap

Vaping must feel incredible, because NOBODY thinks it looks cool.

Note to self: Remove “Does anyone else know you’re here?” from list of first date small talk questions.

It was all over when he said, “It must have been an obstacle illusion.”

[having house guests]

Me: omg I need to CLEANNN

[30 minutes later]

Me: you know what if they don’t accept my house then they don’t accept ME

JOKER ENDING EXPLAINED! those names were the people who worked on the film

Me: Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice!

Bartender: doesn’t matter how many times you say it, we don’t have it

i tried to clean up my chrome tabs but it turns out all 200 of them contain information that is vital for my survival

Hey small town pharmacy workers. I’m gonna need you to stop yelling about my meds as I am most certainly surrounded by former teachers, ex boyfriends, and/or relatives.

They agreed upon ‘almond milk’ when the original name – flavoured nut water – was rejected by test audiences, for whatever reason…

Come on down to my kid’s restaurant.
Dinner specials include a half-eaten jam sandwich stuck to a couch, some other kid’s water bottle that has dirt in it, and a cheese string that has been in a warm pocket all day. Reservations encouraged.

Each day is a wondrous journey, always discovering the new things in life that can irritate me.

Oh dear… I should get out of the way, he’s probably trying to catch a bad guy.

-me getting pulled over

Before we have sex, please select every image that contains a bicycle.

[party]
ME: I’m uncomfortable
BF: Just mingle
ME: Do I introduce myself?
BF: We’re at your family reunion

Walmart calls them self checkouts, I call them I might not pay for some of this.