Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What do we want?
SNACKS!

When do we want em?
AFTER DINNER!

– kids.

I talk to my dog like she’s human and, like most humans, she looks at me like I’m an idiot.

Amazon needs an Oh Shit I Forgot to Buy a Present button.

Deep, meaningful communication is the key to a successful relationship.

I want negative calorie credit for all the junk food I pass up. Didn’t eat that cookie? That’s -150 calories.

Just saw my Nana for what will probably be the last time. She’s very healthy but never wants to see me again.

Playing Silent Hill and honestly there’s a fair amount of noise in this game.

Her: You have selective hearing. You never hear criticism and only hear things that make you look good.

Me: Thanks, you look good too.

I want to put hot dogs on my fingers so I have extra long, floppy, hot dog fingers.

PMS is no joke, you guys. I just ate like three bags of Reese’s Pieces.

Oh, and my wife’s really being a bitch.

A great way to make people nervous is to tell them where the bathroom is without their asking.

Normalise saying “better you than me” to people who keep complaining about everything.

My wife sent me an image of herself which really enticed me into coming home from work early.

It was a picture of her at the airport.

“She loves me not…”
: Picks last petal :
“She LOVES ME!”

Flower: “…NOT! LOL nerd”
: Whips out hidden petal shaped like middle finger :

My boyfriend is watching Glee voluntarily and tapping his foot and smiling. That makes me a lesbian now, right?

the first person to see a peacock spread his tail probably had a heart attack

My so-called “friends” have asked that I stop referring to them that way.

No one ever prepares you for the moment you find out the song you really like is Justin Bieber.

Me: So I’ll see you Friday?

Friend: I can’t wait!

Me: FINE THEN FORGET IT

These boots were made for walking, and that’s just what they’ll do. One of these day–oh goddamn it. Did you glue these to the floor, Carl?!

I get it Bryan Adams. It was the summer of 69, but what year?

I refuse to check my engine when the light comes on. It will only keep coming on for the attention.

Thanked a rival dad at the neighborhood chili cook off for making his mild so my kids could have some.

Message to my Haters: i hope you wake up nineteen minutes before your alarm goes off tomorrow

*eats an entire box of cereal in one sitting*
Wtf there’s no prize in this?
“Sir, we don’t sell cereal. This is Petsmart.”

*walks up to Harvard with an avocado* one law degree please

How funny!

My Boyfriend hates it when we role play and I’m the Doctor cause I make him wait 3 hours bill him then send in a med student named Chad.

I just kept my pants buckled for 30 minutes straight so I think I know a little bit about endurance training, Sheila

upon my death:

1. tell my kids I loved them
2. give my daughter my jewelry
3. leave french fries in my coffin, just in case