[on a date]
*wonders if she’ll steal my fries while I use the restroom*
*shakes Magic 8 ball*
“YES”
*takes plate of fries with me*
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[first date]
him: I’m a cat person.
me: [trying to impress]
*bites him when he tries holding my hand
Girl at engineering school: I’m like the single-most clumsy person
[5 male engineering students emerge from bushes]
“Did you say single?”
Keep your friends close and your friends that give away large sums of cash as a gift even closer.
[interview at bank]
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I’ve been told I’m a terrible bank robber
Interviewer: what
Me: *looking at fish tank* so is that the safe?
[dog paws your leg when you stop stroking his head]
1st time: “aww cuuuute”
2nd time: “ha okay”
3rd time: “i am trapped in a nightmare”
Been walking like an Egyptian and need to visit a Cairopractor.
It’s not every day Woody Harreslon writes your daughter a poem 🥹
Spokane Press, Washington, July 16, 1907
God: i’ll just make it a combined food and air pipe with a little switch flap. That’ll probably work fine
“We had unprotected sex. Give us a present.” — the subtext of every baby shower
I asked my husband if he liked the song “#1 Crush” and he said it’s garbage, and then I said “yeah, but do you LIKE it?” because he has no clue who sings it and I’m annoying af.
I feel bad for all the non-violent clowns who live in sewers
Got kicked out of the bank for taking too many lollipops.
I walk into the bathroom only to be greeted by my dad’s masterpiece
[Bar]
Her: I hate drinking alone.
Me: *downs shot glass of honey mustard* I prefer it.
DR: So, you’re 36 years old, 4 foot tall & sound like a woman. How can I help you today, Mr Simpson?
BART: I don’t know where my hair starts
It’s not a dad bod, it’s a father figure.
JESUS: so I’m u
GOD: yes
JESUS: and ur me
GOD: yes
JESUS: I don’t get it
GOD: I do
JESUS: how can one of us get it & not the other
GOD: whoa
Son: We’re having chicken and rice for dinner?
Me: No. That’s for the dogs. Heat up some pizza rolls or something.
it’s so stupid how stores are already selling halloween candy, like anybody is actually going door-to-door this year,
..today i bought a 5lb bag.
Me, alone in a soundproof room within another soundproof room: *slowly and carefully tears open candy wrapper*
Kids: WHATCHA EATING?!?
I don’t know who needs to hear this but you’re not a savage, you’re an idiot.
I enjoy learning about the world by watching the Olympics. So far I’ve learned that Canada ISN’T the only country that participates in curling.
Me: *giggling* no, I love you more.
Him: who are you and how did you get inside my house?
Hang on guys. My boyfriend told me not to be anxious, so I expect to feel better any moment.
I said Grace tonight, which was really awkward because her name was Susan.
*goes produce shopping*
Wife: Get in line & watch the cart.
Me: OK.
Wife: I’ll be right back.*minds peas & queues*
Me: *buying leggings* I need these for my marathon!
Cashier: Wow really? That’s awesome!
Me: Yeah it’s 9 seasons long and 201 episodes in total
I’m gonna get a tattoo of me getting a tattoo of me getting a tattoo. Inkception.
Me: Mmm these are so good! They just melt in your mouth
Cook: Those are ice cubes
Me: Delicious. How are they prepared?