Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: *upon exiting the womb* you’ll be hearing from my lawyer

Gave our gerbil a piece of kale from the garden. Now it’s complaining about gluten and begging for its own little pair of Uggs.

[job interview]

him: do you use drugs or alcohol?
me: no
him: what’s your salary requirement?
me: to be able to afford drugs & alcohol

I hate when you meet a new person and you like them, I mean I’m maxed out with 3 friends right now and having a 4th just seems like it’ll eat into nap time

Award for the best actress goes to my 7YO for her performance as a starving deprived child right before bedtime

Not how I expected him to come back but okay.

St. Peter: “Spock?”

Leonard Nimoy: “I’m Leonard. Spock was just a character I played on TV.”

St. Peter: “HEY EVERYBODY! IT’S SPOCK!”

[zoo]
GUIDE: i told you not to feed the monkeys
ME: it’s a cigar

Girl, are you an environmentalist?

‘Cuz everytime you walk into a room you turn it into a heavily wooded area.

Sad? Confused? There’s a nap for that.

Dogs reunited with family: OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! I MISSED YOU SO MUCH!

Cats reunited with family: I see you peasants are still alive. Feeding me wouldn’t displease me I guess.

Me: I don’t think I fit into some box with a label on it.

Serial Killer: *looking disappointed* Are you sure?

ME: Tell me my future.

PALM READER: I see you going to prison for murder.

ME: Hah! Shows what you know! This isn’t even MY palm!

People used to laugh when I said I wanted to be a standup comic. Well, no one’s laughing now. Wait.

No, you tell me what YOU were doing during that gap in my resume.

I just need to go ahead and admit it.

I’m not mature enough to live in a state called Idaho

[1st date]

Me: [putting my jacket over my dates shoulders]

Her: “Thank you but I’m not cold”

Me: [covering her awful dress] “Yes you are”

[at checkout counter]

Would ya like to donate $1 to-
-No
But you didn’t let me finish
-Is it $1 toward you shutting your mouth?
No
-Then no

Hey kids! Make your voice heard this election day by hiding your parents identification! (Not applicable in some states)

Kind of jealous of how my alarm can go back to sleep after I tap snooze.

A comic by Dan Piraro

I got myself a wrap on my way home at 2am & a girl outside stopped me and said “my boyfriend’s stormed off. do you want his chips?” and she gave them to me and got in her uber alone and sped away into the night. i miss her.

Swarming gnats, but instead of annoying you, they provide compliments. “You look pretty.” “Dinner was delicious.” “Way to handle that difficult coworker, Chris. We hate her.”

You know you’re old when you get a “You up?” text….

And it’s 8:25 p.m.

I’m glad humans don’t do the combo breed names like Labradoodle. I wouldn’t want to tell people I’m Germish.

I ate the worst cake of my life today, but then again that must have been why it was free at the urinal.

“WELL MAYBE IF YOU DIDN’T CALL THEM THROW PILLOWS!”

*I yell as I’m being escorted out of Bed Bath & Beyond…

[Last day in prison]

*Walks up to the biggest guy*

Hey man, sorry about that first day stuff.

Girlfriend: can you run to the gas station and get some gas

Me: sure

Gas station employee: how can I help you

Me: *sweating out of breath* gas please

Gas station employee: where’s your car

A great way to end small talk is by saying “you’re not real, you’re not real.”