[on a deserted island, receives message in a bottle]
“We’ve been trying to reach you regarding your car’s expired warranty”
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Moose: Sorry, I need to quit this yoga class.
Yoga Instructor: NahMooseStay!
Doctor: Do you eat plenty of fruits and vegetables?
Me: *reminiscing about eating a whole chocolate Orange*
Yes, yes I do
One of my favorite things about sports is when they put the designated object in the designated area ahhhh what a rush
My CW just barked.
Ok, it may have been a burp, but I’d like him a lot more if he were turning into a dog, so I think he barked.
Just when you think you’re getting a real break from socializing, someone organizes a drive by honking parade.
It’s like my nana once said….
You know you can block people on Twitter who confuse crochet with knitting, right?
[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
When I think about ‘running a tight ship’ I’m reminded that I’m more of a ‘walking a loose boat’ kinda girl.
Guys I don’t think the people who run the world are very good
cabbage patches are bullshit
i gave up cabbage easily without them
Toddler misbehaves, but follows it up with throwing his hands in the air and yelling “Ta-da!” so he won’t get in trouble.
Stealing it.
[love making]
Her: [leans in] “do that thing you know I like.”
[i cease to exist]
Her: “yeah baby.”
so
the limit is 412 chicken nuggets
Love when strangers try to fact check your personal tweets, like why would i lie about throwing up, Kevin? lol.
Whenever a guy peeps into my phone, I open the front cam and take a selfie with him.
My husband and I are at a point in our lives where we don’t care about the strange noise coming from downstairs if it means we have to get out of bed.
My cat thinks any questions I ask him are rhetorical.
You got your ducks in a row. I got my monkeys in a wheelbarrow. We are not the same.
I know I’m not alone but my biggest pet peeve is when one of the residents in my home yells from the kitchen to no one in particular (me), “ARE THE DISHES IN THE DISHWASHER CLEAN OR DIRTY?”
I’m getting to the age where I could be a cougar, but Wikipedia says cougars are “slender and agile” which pretty much rules that out.
I just don’t get life insurance. Why would I want to give my family a financial incentive to kill me?
In my house “no” means keep doing it till mom loses her shit.
Having to redownload the HBO app on four devices was the worst thing to happen to me since COVID.
I’ve done hundreds of crossword puzzles over the years, but just this morning I noticed they provide clues.
Friend- Are you tired?
Me- Nope, just ugly.
A guy in line just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
Why is it called a backhanded compliment and not a slampliment?
ME: I think human cloning is a big mistake
ALSO ME: ok wow, I’m right here
Me- *goes into the office for the first time in 15 months*
5 yo- *becomes a mom* was it good seeing your friends today?