Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.

30% of parenting is just asking,
“Why is this wet?”

“your cat will eat you when you die” yeah but he shows infinite grace by making no attempt in the meantime. leave him alone

You can’t scare me. You’re not my husband holding my credit card over the shredder.

[creation]
GOD: You each have a gift
WORM: What’s mine?
G: You…spin silk
BEE: How bout me?
G: Uh…make honey
HIPPO: And me?
G: Hm…eat marbles

Me: I’m sort of a chicken magnet

Him: Don’t you mean chick magn-

*sounds of distant bawk-bawking*

Me: We have to go NOW

Slipping the bouncer a twenty and asking him to rough me up a little on the way out

I remember being about 6 years old and my grandfather did an Easter egg hunt for me and my sister. We looked for hours and found nothing. He later told us it was to teach us a very valuable lesson: Easter is not in November.

Pizza: You should totally eat all of me. Like, all by yourself.
Me: What? No way.
Pizza: Why not?
Me: That’s a really good point.

my grandpa lived on the ninth floor of his building and he’d still tell you to get off his lawn

WEIGHT LOSS TIP: Put your chips into a bowl instead of eating out of the bag. That way, you’ll get lots of exercise going back to the kitchen to fill up the bowl 10 times as you eat the entire bag.

And ladies, keying cars is very 2010 lol all you need to do is ask to drive his car and you take it and speed pass every speed camera in your city. And just return his car back to him like nothing happened.

I think my concept of time is way off since the pandemic started. Every day I see something like “happy 57th anniversary to the premiere of Two and a Half Men”.

Every time the grocery baggers ask if I want help to my car, I feel like telling them yes and climbing in the cart.

live long and prosper!

been a while since anyone declared a thumb war, peace has made us all soft.

[on my deathbed]
me: a….ah…..
wife: what is it!! what are you trying to say?
me: ah…… alexa…… play despacito

“wow with attitude like this do you even have friends”

me: yes in fact i have all 10 seasons of it

Me: …
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: ..
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: …
(Women, take note *ahem* Man’s best friend)

The occasional loneliness I feel being single doesn’t compare to the pure bliss of never having to share my Hershey’s cream pie or bacon.

If you are a turkey right now and someone offers to cut off your head, stuff you full of dressing, and cook you, do not do it. It is a trap.

My husband still talks about that one time he loaded the dishwasher correctly like it’s going to get our kids into Harvard.

Of course the Midwest takes sports very seriously, what else are we going to obsess over…corn?

Snoop: Murder was the case that they gave me.

Me: oh, mine was public urination, so same

the only way to save the bees is by beeing fiscally responsible. don’t spend the bees faster than you earn them. start a bee savings account. set yourself a bee budget

The worst part of working from home is not being able to take office supplies from work anymore, now I just have to shoplift them like an ordinary schmo

Hospital Administrator: And how will you be paying?

Me: *Has no insurance* Dearly.

ME: Onions make me cry.
HER: It’s from a compound called Syn-Propanethial-S-Oxide.
ME: I think it’s probably cuz an onion killed my parents.

How can I say no to this ?

So when she enters, just start playing & then she’ll NEVER accuse me of being boring in the bedroom again, got it?
Naked Mariachi Band: SÍ