Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The Bachelorette would be a lot more entertaining if the girl was a Praying Mantis.

[at dinner party]
Me: Excuse me, a bit of an announcement.. Jenny and I are expecting a kid. She is 4 months pregnant.
Vegan: I’m vegan

me, at the big work meeting when my boss walks into the room: all rise!

Me: [uncontrollable sobbing] I can’t see you anymore. I won’t let you hurt me again.
Trainer: It was a sit-up. You did 1 sit-up.

You can save a lot of money if you just steal everything

Mean while, back on Facebook, Jennifer is blaming the birth of her son for her being fat.

Her son is 6 ….

First dates are weird when you go and see a film. you spend two hours sitting and not talking, its like you have skipped straight to marriage

*Love in the time of coronavirus*

Hey baby, want to go back to my place and play find the paper cut with the hand sanitizer?

A zombie apocalypse sounds even worse when you consider all those smoke detectors beeping for battery changes.

If I’m gonna pay $300 for a name brand purse it better come with a mini fridge, steaks, and a new tv

Breath mints make me sneeze. No, I don’t need that one back. I have others. Sorry about your eye.

Me: it’s time to go to sleep

3: Nope, I don’t think so

Me: who asked you?!

2008- This Master’s degree is going to change my life!

2019- I’ve got the worst pajamas in this dollar store.

At the grocery store some old lady seemed like she was hitting on me. Turns out we went to school together.

Sure I named my black cat Blackie and my grey cat Grey, but you need to be a little less obvious with babies. Isn’t that right, Mistake?

Tech Twitter in a nutshell 😂😂😂

Damn. Just made a joke about hieroglyphics, but I probably should have read the room first.

[My Wedding]

Me: I do

Guests: Awww

Me: Or do I?

Guests: Ooooo

That’s great about your engagement, promotion and new car.
I grabbed the EXACT amount of hangers I needed to put away laundry.
Samsies!

Dear Restaurant Managers:
If more than 3 employees ask me how I’m enjoying my meal, I begin to wonder if you know something I don’t know.

Santa keeps a pair of mounted antlers over his fireplace to keep the reindeer from unionizing.

The most romantic way to propose is to put the ring in their dessert and when they bite it and break their tooth you yell “surprise, babe, you’re gonna be my wife and I have DENTAL COVERAGE”

Hey cell phone companies, I can’t think of a more terrifying selling point than “Unlimited Talk.”

knights of the ikea table

There really should be more social media sites that pit our closest friends against each other to make our top 8.

”Wear your good flip flops ” isn’t something I thought I would ever say, but here we are

Coworker: You know how some days you just don’t want to go to work?

Me: WAIT! There are days you DO want to be here?!

Her: The world is gonna end in 30 minutes!!! 30 MINUTES!

Me *ordering a pizza* yeah this will be tight, for sure

Stay vigilante (if you see something, stab something)