[on a farm]
Me: *sees a cow standing next to a bucket*
Oh, I’ve always wanted to do thatFarmer: Go ahead!
Me: *stands next to a bucket*
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Me (getting choked): who called it getting new tires
Guy (who is choking me): how are you breathing
Me (dying): and not a retirement plan
I’m sorry for the things I said when you opened a new gallon of milk when there was one already open
Laundry to do list;
□ whites
□ towels
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ darks
The part of the Harry Potter movies that I found most unbelievable was that mostly unsupervised teenagers never had wild keg parties.
*sleeping*
Heartburn: LIKE HELL YOU ARE
Age 17: I can’t wait to travel the world!
Age 37: Feeling kind of adventurous. Might go to the “good” grocery store 15 miles away.
I sign off with “kind regards” but secretly all my regarding is malicious
Thought it would be romantic to recreate the 12 Days of Christmas, but having 23 game birds indoors is actually a hellish nightmare.
Me: he loves me, he loves me not, he loves me, he loves me not.
Police officer: ma’am this is a lineup
Friend: *finger guns*
Me: *looks down at finger knives* oh no
Him: why do you keep poking me ?
Her: I’m looking for the mute button
Me: this is almost as scary as the dmv haha
Dentist: haha yeah, my license is suspended
Me: oh, what do you drive?
Dentist: deep breath and count back from 3. drive?
Just sayin’ witchdoctors are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between witches and doctors.
Good news
I still cook my turkey the old fashioned way, I let my mom do it.
cry laughing at this shit
Noah: I need 2 of every animal
Shark: even us?
Noah: no, you can swim
Unicorn: I’m pretty good at swimming
Noah: go for it
The lady helping my wife design a dining room table handed me a note reading “blink if you’re being held against your will”
My boyfriend hates my driving, but it’s ok because he’s imaginary.
‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who don’t know me‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who know me
Me starting a diet: I’m gonna be so skinny.
Me on a diet: being fat is fine.
Annoying my husband while he watches Star Trek: “Why does everyone in the future wear upholstery fabrics?”
What’s with the attitude? I don’t know what’s gotten into you but I know what hasn’t.
*at the movie theater* umm ok the hackers also said theyd do a terror unless u giv me unlimited free popcorn and uh.. also that guys popcorn
Want to binge on sugar but all I’ve got are gummy vitamins so I’m about to get mad healthy
HR: People are complaining that you find ways to appear superior to them.
[chair elevated to highest position]
Me: That’s just ridiculous.
Nobody harasses you on the street when you walk around wearing a belt made of live cats.
Doctor: we saved your dad but he’s part owl now
Son: Dad it’s me
Dad: *head turned 180°* who
Son: very funny
Doctor: yeah he has amnesia too
I’ll start the new year off with my favorite joke from 3rd grade:
Why do gorillas have such big nostrils?
Because they have such big fingers.
Happy New Years, friends. Let’s try to make it to the next one too…
One time a guy came up to me at a bar and said “do you like air conditioning” and I said “yea” and he said “me too.” and he just walked away. I miss him everyday