[on a farm]
Me: *sees a cow standing next to a bucket*
Oh, I’ve always wanted to do thatFarmer: Go ahead!
Me: *stands next to a bucket*
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*scream sings THERE GOES MY HERO*
Which is faster, hot or cold?
Hot, because you can catch a cold.
me: I got fired from the play, they hated my set design
wife: did you make a scene?
me: *crying* several
I feel like a taco salad is the worst way to eat a taco, and yet, the best way to eat a salad.
[Obamacare Meeting]
*Biden raises hand*
*Obama sighs* Yes Joe?
Will the doctor still have lollipops?
Sure.
*Entire Congress sighs w/ relief*
cats: you just cleaned this box, i must use it
dogs: I can’t use a clean area, I must go where everyone has gone before me
Between my education and helping four children with their homework, I’ve studied approximately 27 years of Algebra.
Horses are a great pet for anyone who’s ever wished their bicycle could make bad choices
One time, I gave a man a fish and he was like, thanks I’ll eat today, but what about tomorrow, so I taught him how to go to the grocery store.
I just overheard some passing 8-year-old announce that after only two days of school he has already found a girlfriend, and now I have to unpack the fact that I don’t date at even a third-grade level.
why is the debate at night time. let’s get this thing started at 4pm. i don’t need to get riled up so close to bedtime.
Nature abhors a vacuum
My dog: frfr
Why stop at weighted blankets? Put a boulder on me.
Number of times I’ve cooked Mac and cheese: 1000
Number of times I’ve thrown the box and then picked it up from trash to read the instructions: 1024
One job requirement for a substitute bus driver is being able to navigate with directions given by 4th graders.
After taking a bunch of 7-year-olds on a field trip to the Natural History Museum, I realized their favorite exhibit was “Elevator Buttons.”
waiter: do you need a minute to look over the menu?
me, researched it online: yes please
the ability to go around and chit chat with anyone at work is a skill, i’m considered to be a local yap star
I called in dinner at a restaurant and Husband went to pick it up. These texts ensued:
H, “What name did you put it under?”
Me, “Yours.”
H, “Not a fake name?”
M, “Why would I do that?”
H, “Because your weird like that.”
M, “You’re.”
H, “It’s under you’re?”
Me, “Yes.”
Not to brag but I can forget what I’m doing as I’m doing it
Kids: We’re hungry!
Me: You’re in luck. I have just the thing.
The thing:
[commercial for mops]
*scene of a man licking up a pool of spilled soda off the dirty floor*
“There has to be a better way”
Narrator:MOPS
Only shaving the parts of my legs where the holes in my jeans show skin isn’t lazy, it’s efficient
[at the store]
Me: Your powers are weak, old man
Wife: …
Me: The force is strong with this one
Wife: …
Me: Together we can rule the galaxy
Wife: …
Me: Luuuuuuuke, I am your father
Wife: Can you just pick out a damn fan already?
When coining nicknames, be sure it reflects how that person has impacted your life. For example, my two sons Buzzkill and Third Mortgage.
*Ancient Egypt*
Me: My abacus won’t work
IT: Hit giant eye + guy holding snakes + big ass bird
Me: Nothing
IT: Okay, reset *shuffles abacus*
The only reason we have different time zones is because if everyone was sleeping at the same time, the aliens would make off with our stuff
Never argue with someone who knows fancier words than you. Like ‘responsibility’
He’s dead, Jim. Bought the farm. Bit the pita. Shanked the llama. He’s a shit piñata. He’s gone elf. Dropped the fudgsicle. No more potatoes