Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m not a fan of having things on my wrist but I’d definitely get the Apple iCarceration ankle monitor

When I tell my kids I’ll do something in a minute, what I’m really saying is, “Please forget.”

[restaurant]

BRUCE BANNER: [tries to pick up a crouton with his fork]

DATE: Are you okay?

THE HULK: I’ve been better.

A parakeet that won’t shut up equals dinner for fluffy tonight.

FRIEND: I’m tired of being poor. I’m gonna turn to a life of crime

ME: Dude I’m so in. We should steal fine art, or jewelry, or-

THE HAMBURGLAR: Guys, hear me out

My doctor said I can get back to my college weight if I simply go for a brisk three hundred mile walk each morning.

My house is cleaner than it’s ever been and given that no one is allowed to come over to see it you’ll just have to take my word for it

Jumped over a puddle with an accidentally flamboyant step today, if anyone’s currently casting a production of “West Side Story.”

I named all my Nest cameras “the bedroom”… now every time someone walks anywhere in my house my husband gets the notification “Nest noticed action in the bedroom “

ME: *falls into gorilla enclosure*
GORILLA: [in sign language] I have a boyfriend.

I went to confession and the priest said, “pics or it didn’t happen.”

first person to peel a carrot: this needs to be slightly smaller

[army training]

Sergeant: dude you gotta stop crying
Me, sobbing uncontrollably: this is torture
Sergeant: everyone has to make their own bed

[at the mall]
Woman: I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?
Security: sure what’s his name?
Woman: Xander
Security: yeah see that’s probably why he ran off

“a quiet place” sequel cALLED “A LOUD PLACE” WHERE EVERYONE HAS TO KEEP SHOUTING AND MAKING ALL SORTS OF RUCKUS TO AVOID CREATURES THAT HUNT SILENCE

If the vaccine gives me any superpower, I hope that it is the ability to find my car in a parking lot

Tonight our 4 year old ate his dinner in a record time of 4 hours 27 minutes

As a parent, you expect to find chicken nuggets or dirty socks in strange places, but you never forget the first time you find chicken nuggets inside dirty socks.

If someone insults you, the best revenge is to just ignore them and pretend it never bothered you. Although arson works too.

Doctor: You have acute alcoholism.
Me: Thanks, but let me tell you it’s not very cute in the morning.

9/10 students agree that someone got lost on the field trip

Not being able to eat before blood work is so stupid. Yes I’m aware my funyon levels have spiked am I dying or not?

Scientists: You’re all going to die. The Earth is doomed. Life is pointless.
Also: We spent millions on a woolly mammoth meatball no one can eat.

Dress for the job you want others to think you have.

Like my mama always said, “May you be in heaven a full half hour before the devil knows you’re dead.”

The only thing keeping most of you from having a great dating life is…

Your spouse 🤷

[being murdered]

me: thanks for doing this

Sometimes I’ll call in, disguise my voice, and insist on speaking to me, or I’ll take my business elsewhere.

It’s only Cloud Computing if it originates in the Saint-Cloud region of France.

Otherwise, it’s just sparkling servers-in-a-warehouse.

Date *sitting on couch* I love scary movies

Me: ok but this is pretty dark, it’s about a boy plagued by haunted dolls

Date: Sounds good!

Me: The cowboy one is called Woody