Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

9 out of 10 wives agree their husbands are always wrong and the other one just doesn’t wanna talk about it right now.

Me in 2022: when will my child talk

My child in 2024: WELL MOMMY DO YOU WANT TO KNOW WHAT I AM FINKING NOW? I AM FINKING ABOUT MR. WOGERS WENT TO THE ZOO AND SAW A PANDA. IT IS DARK. MOMMY WE SHOULD GET A WANTERN FOR OUR PORCH. AND A VERY SHORT STORY IS ONCE UPON A TIME THE END

This recipe’s great because you probably have all the ingredients on hand! OK let’s start: grind your caribou horn down til you have half a teaspoon of powder…

“I was bored” -Me explaining most of the things I do.

Currently looking for a Thanksgiving outfit that camouflages me as my mother’s wallpaper…something where I don’t have to pass the peas or her passive aggression.

Like my dad, I often confuse american and british english. I guess I’m a crisp off the old distance along a street between two intersections.

on instagram reading the end of all of your long captions first because I gotta know: 👏🏽IS 👏🏽IT 👏🏽THEIR 👏🏽BIRTHDAY 🤔OR 👏🏽ARE 👏🏽THEY 👏🏽DEAD👏🏽

“what’s something you’d tell your younger self?” you can have ice cream for dinner, nobody will stop you

Him, sweaty from working out: Hey, babe, c’mere
Me: Don’t come any closer while you still have activity juice all over you

2yo’s favorite cartoon is teaching him about centrifugal force.

When I was little, my favorite cartoon taught me never to order from Acme.

I’m still annoyed that you can catch Covid more than once. I can’t explain why, but it feels kind of rude.

Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Coke: everybody cares to ask about Pepsi. Nobody asks how I am
*coke storms off angrily*

yoooo let ur cat know i said pspspsps

the earth is not round nor flat. the earth is chicken tenders

[picking her up for a date]

ME: you should know that i have a baby from another marriage

HER: really?

ME: yes, but the parents haven’t realized it yet so we gotta hurry, get in

my main career goal atm is to find a big bag of money in the woods

Just got off 30 min phone call w a friend who has twin 2 yr olds, & even tho i havent had sex in a week I’m taking a morning after pill NOW.

Hey, my girlfriend and I noticed you from across the room. Are you gonna finish your fries

I’m not afraid of spiders.

I’m afraid of people who are afraid of spiders.

Please stop screaming and put down the hammer.

Everytime someone says that token sentence “let me know if I can do anything for you” praying you don’t ask, ask for a mortgage payment.

“Hello, my name’s Drew and I’m an addict”

“Sir, this is a cheese counter”

A blue whale is so big, that if you laid it end to end on a basketball court, the game would be cancelled.

#BasketballDay #RubbishJokes

the prophecies have been fulfilled

flight attendant: please put all devices in airplane mode

optimus prime: i can only do “truck”

Bad: I saw my girlfriend’s name and number on a couple of men’s bathroom walls..

Worse: It was in her handwriting…

Reoccurring dreams be like
‘I dunno, here’s a rerun’

My Daughter wants a Cinderella-themed party, so I invited all her friends over and made them clean my house.

Me: *needs to renew my vehicle registration*

DMV: Yes, we will need your license, registration, proof of insurance, passport, paper straw wrapper, VHS copy of The Sixth Sense, Princess Dianna Beanie Baby and for you to hit the high note in “I Will Always Love You.”

Friend nagged me for TDKR OST. Renamed Backstreet Boys song and mailed them to him. Fun.

If you invite me, you invite my xylophone too.