Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Did you know that the sound of fallen leaves scattering across the pavement in the wind sounds just like someone running up behind you in the dark?

Did you also know that I can run 83 mph?

To make up for all the junk I ate over the weekend, I plan to run 86 miles today.

I finally got my first interview since moving to the US. Almost able to say something more romantic to the GF than “you’re out of batteries”

*first day as a getaway driver*

Me: Hey does anybody want anything from the drive-through?

Adopt a pitbull so that nobody asks you to babysit

My kid: No, I have no idea where I left the remote 37 seconds ago.

Also my kid: Remember that time last year when you promised to take me to the playground but it rained, so we didn’t go because you never let me do anything?

Me: the refrigerator wasn’t built for this

Her: all the food?

Me: no this penguin

Dads will be like “I don’t cry” but then get misty-eyed thinking about how beautifully they backed into a parking spot

Did the Bermuda Triangle just stop working one day? Why does no one spontaneously combust anymore? What happened to all the quicksand???

My 12yo stole all the nice socks that I rightfully stole first from my mom.

whoever was the first to shorten “Richard” down to “Dick” must have really hated that guy

My plane has an entire high school wrestling team on it, so I imagine we’ll crash in a forest & I’ll become their King.

Bought some of that edible cookie dough.

Gotta say it’s just not as good without the hint of a salmonella threat.

Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the first twelve digits of pi

[bank robbery]
“Todd, where the hell is the getaway car?”
TODD: *zooming up on a Segway* FOSSIL FUELS ARE RUINING THIS PLANET, GARY

God *creates dinosaurs* these are perfect

Dinosaur: Are you dino-sure hahaha

God *creates asteroids*

Today is the first day of the rest of your life and you’ve already screwed it up.

if you stand up in a hospital waiting room & loudly announce your name & why you’re there, sometimes another person will do it too

I’m looking at two autographs of Mickey Mouse and I’m pretty sure one of them is a forgery.

Some of us better hope Santa doesn’t check Twitter because if he does all we’re getting for Christmas is therapy.

I’m wearing a tuxedo to work today in protest of casual Friday.

Sucks in stomach. Another chin pops out.

Karate instructor: Come at me with an attack and I will defend it.

Me: You are stupid.

Instructor: *holding back tears* I meant physically

The banking industry gave me unrealistic expectations that it was ok to fail

(Date)
“What’s wrong?”
Oh nothing I’m just a nervous hummer
“Aw how cute!!”
*perfectly hums the entire Jurassic Park theme at full volume*

Me: *Gets my kids the exact same thing to avoid arguments*

*argument ensues*

Chase scenes in movies will be extremely quiet, once electric cars become mainstream.

“MEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH THE GREEKS & MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”

“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”

“Oh rad bring it in”

Love triangle? You mean this Dorito?

At this point I’d just like to have my winter body back.