I turned my phone onto “Airplane Mode” and threw it into the air. Worst. Transformer. Ever.
[On a Ferris wheel]
Him *kisses her* this is so perfect!
Her *kisses him back* and so romantic!
Me: It’s weird these things have 3 seats
You Might Also Like
*eats entire box of Triscuits*
*poops out a wicker chaise lounge*
Highway to Hell is my favorite wedding song.
Ask Jesus if he loves me, but be cool about it.
Me, a good parent: Oliver we talked about this [wrestling coat onto a walrus] u can still catch a cold despite your thick layer of blubber
INSTRUCTOR: Any initial concerns?
I: About the test?
I: Ok then let’s go
M: *drives into active volcano*
Can you fail a drug test from a mosquito bite?
Asking for the next person this mosquito bites.
Doctor: This makes no sense. The ultrasound isn’t finding your baby
Wife: Haha, well I guess we know who he takes after
Waldo: *from behind a curtain* That’s my boy
I’ll have a whiskey please.
“Ma’am, this is McDonald’s.”
Sorry, a McWhiskey.
Happy third birthday to the tartar sauce in my fridge