[On a Ferris wheel]
Him *kisses her* this is so perfect!
Her *kisses him back* and so romantic!
Me: It’s weird these things have 3 seats
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justin timberlake: lose the “the.” just “facebook.” it’s cleaner
mark zuckerberg: wow. yeah
me: [bought the domain name “ back in 1997 and have been looking for my opening ever seen]: or what if we called it yogurt dot com
If hotels can skip the 13th floor why the hell can’t we skip Mondays?
“No no, remember I told you we don’t do that in our house..”
-Me, breaking up a cat fight.
roses are red
violets are blue
i hate the sounds
you make when you chew
#FoundAtGrandmasHouse
Grandpa’s welcome sign
I’ve never had a problem stepping up to the plate.
We’re talking about food, right?
“I just died in your arms” sounds much more romantic than “You’re holding a dead body.”
Person: What are you doing?
Me: Looking at owl callers. It’s skunk mating season. I want to discourage them from my yard. Owls are their predators. I COULD use an owl call but it’s also OWL mating season. I could end up with A LOT of owls
P: You win weirdest problem of the day
i wish it was legal to leave the house without spending at least $100 but they actually shoot you execution style if you try
Kids be like “I didn’t know where this heavy roasting pan went so I put it on top of a structurally unsound pile of tupperware.”
Beer before liquor, never sicker. Toothpaste before orange juice, dead.
Ok, but like, how married are you?
I liked the old days, when people tried to keep the fact that they were idiots to themselves.
Living with my 6-year-old is like living with a firing squad, only it’s questions instead of bullets.
There was a moth on my computer screen so I googled “what eats moths?” and found a picture of a bat. I moved the picture around the screen to try and simulate flying. The moth was undisturbed but my experiments continue.
Being married is mostly pointing out that the other person is always using their phone during the small window where you’re not using yours.
When you wish upon a star your feet burst into flame and you realize it was a dumb place to stand.
[bakery]
Him: This wedding cake is perfect for us! Look at all of the tiers!
Me: Definitely not happy tears
Him: What?
Me: What?
eye doctor: your results aren’t good
me: can I see them
eye doctor: probably not
A lot of people ask me “why do you lie about the high number of people asking you things?”
Snap: i’m snap
Crackle: i’m crackle
Dad: hi snap and crackle i’m pop
If I ever have an out of body experience, when it’s over I’m gonna be like “Umm, do I have to go back to my original body? I kinda like that younger one with better hair over there.”
[my first day as an art teacher]
“before u start drawing let your eyes linger over the subject”
(it’s a dead bullfrog dressed as a cowboy)
I will have a piñata at my funeral.
You know, to make people happy.
It will be filled with bees.
You know, to make me happy too.
The unused seconds from all the microwaves get added to the lifespan of Betty White.
Why isn’t Cindy spelled Sindie? Whoever caid C makes an S cound was ctupid.
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I constantly misquote Shakespeare?
Him: you compared me to a Summer’s Eve™…
Me: parting is such sweet and sour 🙁
Easiest way to calm down a woman is to pat her on the head and say “It’s just your hormones”