[on a Ferris wheel]
Me: *to my pet ferret* I’m sorry, Joshua, there’s been a misunderstanding
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Fe
Fi
Fo
Fum
Rhyme scheme tweets are kinda dumb
New diet plan: murder all the skinny people.
If you’ve been reading a book for more than a month you are in a relationship with that book and now you have to say hi to it when you come home
Here at the Southern Cannibal Buffet, it’s y’all you can eat!™️
(Guy saves family from burning house)
Dad: You’re a hero.
Guy: Anyone could’ve done it.
Mom: You’re so humble.
Guy: Yes, I’m Super Modest.
Eating vegetables after a failed attempt at picking up your shirt with your toes.
*whispers* forlorn corn.
Ended my night saying “Stay goofy!” to a Waffle House waitress, and she replied: “You KNOW I will!”
Leaflet through the door telling me I can enjoy sex at 75. Which is handy, because I live at number 81.
12yo daughter: *SCREAMS*
Me: WHAT?!12yo: A spider!
Me: It’s just a spider12yo: I don’t want it to bite me!
Me: You’ll never be a super hero w/that attitude
I just want to meet a man the old fashioned way: While being exchanged for livestock.
if you ever need to teach me a lesson, there is no reason to send three ghosts. a single ghost will do. im not committed enough to any of my negative personality traits to be like “sorry but i’m gonna keep on stealing from walmart unless you make this a multi-ghost situation”
GIRLFRIEND: *cosying up to me in bed* What ya thinking?
ME: If the cartoon was made in the 70s would he be called SpongeBob FlarePants?
HER: You know, sometimes it’s ok to just say ‘nothing’.
When you meet a flat-earther in real life don’t bother arguing. You need to immediately outcrazy that shit. “Don’t tell me you believe in ‘Earth,’” you’ll demand.
Got Fired by the Zoo for Giving all the Meerkats Tiny Binoculars
Eggnostic is when you don’t know which came first, the chicken or the egg
Sorry babe, you knew you were dating a bad boy [shuffles Pokemon cards without the plastic covers]
I would only want to be a ghost if I could randomly bite people
I didn’t go to the Carribean, my tan is from standing infront of the rotisserie chicken at Costco
Getting a snowstorm today. They said it would start around noon, it’s now 12:02, so already the meteorologists were wrong.
Black magic is just like regular magic, but with bigger wands.
The monocle was popular in the 1800’s because ears hadn’t been invented yet.
[phone call]
me: son, your mother’s in hospitalson: is it because she works there as a doctor?
me: *long pause* yes
son: stop doing this
[Camping]
Her: You didn’t bring food?
Him: No
Her: Or toilet paper?
Him: Why would we need toilet paper if we don’t have food?
Knees weak arms are heavy he has osteoporosis already, he’s only twenty.
oh you like nyc? name every rat
First they make you step on the scale, and then they announce your weight out loud. It’s like the assistants at the doctor’s office don’t know anything about women.
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
God: I’m calling this a horse
Angel: Wow you’re so clever, creating an animal that can pull carriages, transport goods, and can help plow the fields!
God *just wanted a chair that can run* thanks
The timeline of microwave popcorn:
< 1 minute: No popcorn
1-2:30: 4 pieces of perfectly popped popcorn
2:31-2:35: You did it. This is perfect. Good jo-
> 2:36: The ashes of what once could have been great, symbolizing your life’s wasted potential
I hate how everything is organic now. I miss chemicals.