(on a first date) im a ketchup on eggs kinda girl
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Cat doesn’t realize if he succeeds in tripping me on the way downstairs to feed him, we all die.
The gal in front of me on this flight didn’t enjoy me stroking her forehead after she reclined into my lap. Thought we were having a moment.
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
YOU ASKED IF YOU COULD PET HER, NOT IF SHE BITES, MEGAN.
Apparently, this is how the world ends.
This house is Not going to clean itself. Apparently, I’m not either.
Me: can I start calling him 3.5 yet?
Wife: do you even know his name anymore?
Me: yes wife of course I know his name.
I wish I could get the hell out of here and move to New Zealand. A Hobbit hole in Bag End would be nice right about now.
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with one of those fainting goats.
wife: what the hell?
me: that’s…
wife: don’t do it
me: just…
wife: i mean it
me: how…
wife: i’m warning you
me: they…
wife: STOP
me: roll
Most women need a little reassurance.
Like when she says “oh, you want to see crazy?” Reassure her that you do not.
Yes yes your avi is very attractive, but before this goes any further I need to know which streaming services you have passwords to.
They should let you spend one night in a house before you buy/rent it, just to make sure it’s haunted.
When a husband asks you if you think it’s possible to love someone forever…
“If I find the right person” is apparently the wrong answer.
New Year, New Me
New Me [looking around]: absolutely not
Sometimes I wish I understood what some of you said and sometimes I am happy that I don’t.
Comment: London’s WorldPride? It’s really WorldShame
My grandfather came to this country with nothing but the shirt on his back. When he got here, the cops made him put on pants, too.
Girl: So, your dating profile says you enjoy long walks by the sea & making ur own wine?
Jesus: ON
Girl: What?
Jesus: Long walks ON the sea
“Insomnia sure is frustrating” he said wide-awakely.
How much more of this can I take?
* piles food on buffet plate *
Judas: still on for Friday?
Jesus: Friday?
Judas: yeah, the last supper
Jesus: the what?
Judas: supper. Normal supper with the fellas
Today:
– do what I bloody well please
– hurl insults in iambic pentameter
– sexy bacon eating
– ale
– archery
– ladies
– enjoy the little things (like violent mood swings)
– pies
Top killers of kids in the ’50s.
1. Abandoned refrigerators
2. Failure to duck and cover
3. Tasty lead paint
4. Playing around at the dinner table
If watching 80’s music videos has taught me anything, it’s that you don’t need talent if you have a fog machine.
With all due respect, your kid sneezed on me first.
Some early signs you’re growing up:
1. Checking expiration dates
2. Reading before signing
3. Preemptive pee before going anywhere
If you really want people to notice you, be a typo.
I have Buzzfeed blocked for 20 reasons: number 18 will shock you