(on a first date) im a ketchup on eggs kinda girl
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Dads lose their shit when it starts raining and the sprinklers are running
College Daughter: Hey dad can you help me with a question on my physics homework?
Me [in my 3rd hour of trying to help my 5th grader with her Common Core Math]: OH THANK GOD SOMETHING EASY
Them: What’d you scrape your chin on?
Me: A chiseled jawline with a 5-o’clock shadow.
Shortly before lockdown I sold a cordless vacuum cleaner to someone and didn’t, I repeat didn’t, say to him as I handed it over, well it was just gathering dust.
I now have to live with this missed opportunity.
Website: Make a password
Me: Ok
Website: Make it STRONGER so you don’t get HACKED
Me: Wow alright
Website: Damn that’s a strong password
[1 Week Later]
Website: You got hacked
Me: But my password was so strong
Website: Yeah the whole site got hacked. Our bad
Been trying to get cash from my local ATM for a week but it keeps saying “insufficient funds.” You’d think they’d have refilled it by now.
Hello everyone, this is your captain speaking. The plane’s going down. Look, stop screaming, that’s not going to make me a better pilot
Told someone what city I live in.
“Oh are you married to a doctor?”
“No. My husband is though.”
When you’re riding with someone and they tell you about all the wrecks they’ve been in…
My kids couldn’t give two shits about personal hygiene unless we are running late somewhere
My wife used to make meals that would make Martha Stewart jealous. Then she joined Twitter…
Now I’m lucky if she buys cereal.
My daughter told me there is a small get together at school on Friday.
I asked her, “How small?”
She replied,
“Just you, me, and the principal.
FIRST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: wow, this artist was born in amsterdam in 1927 but didn’t start experimenting with clay until 1955 in america. the mound represents guilt and shame, i can see that
LAST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: *glances into new room* i get it
Text:
Me: I want you to know I love you from the depths of my soul. You are my essence & the reason I live. With you, I am whole.
Her: K
Operator: what’s your emergency
Me: my fridge fell on me
Operator: is anything broken
Me: some eggs maybe
If you are ever a dog, just refuse to eat for like two days, and after that, your person will be so happy you are eating, you will get as much chicken as you like
In case you haven’t checked Facebook,
It’s hot today, the fireworks were beautiful, and 32 friends invited you to play candy crush!
Recorded myself talking in my sleep and I rhyme a lot. Somehow I’ve developed sleep rapnea.
I tried to walk like an Egyptian and now I need to see a Cairo practor.
as i search desperately for my floor, panic rises in lieu of the elevator
Kids: you burned the popcorn
Me: you gave me stretch marks
Being a mom is easy
I got a cease and desist letter from a Venezuelan gang because one of them saw me throwing signs at the botanical gardens the other day.
“That looks interesting. I think I’ll eat it.” – Sharks and Toddlers
When I’m in a room full of toddlers, I can’t help but scan it for potential serial killers
[velociraptor sneaks up on me as I aim my gun]
me: clever girl
velociraptor: what
me: …clever girl
velociraptor: I’m 26
me: sorry I-
velociraptor: looks like I’m not the only dinosaur here
Give me the unsend button you stupid bird
I’m not drunk enough for this
*gets drunk
I’m too drunk for this
I guess I prefer Subway because they make me feel like I’m making the healthy decision when I order a loaf of bread with 18 meatballs on it.
Friend: hey man what happened to your hand?
Me: just a little boo boo.
Friend: so I see. Is that a paw patrol band-aid?
Me: you know damn well it’s a paw patrol band-aid Steve.
How can I get invited to one of these knife fights everyone keeps talking about? Can we do it over zoom