[on a first date in a restaurant]
him: so what did you do last weekend?
me: I binge watched one of my favourite Netflix shows.
him: binge watched? haha, I can’t ever watch more than one episode at a time
me: lmao! *turns round* CHECK, PLEASE!
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I only look at Wordle for the articles
(with the most anger i’ve ever experienced in my life) ok sounds good
I used to brag that my dad worked in the food court.
I thought he was a food lawyer. Shoulda wondered why a lawyer would wear a sbarro shirt
god bless the 1st weatherman to dress as danny zuko & plead with sandy
Hoping for an even stronger cup of coffee, I just replaced the water in my coffee maker with coffee. Now we wait.
Do people who happily announce their pregnancy know they are going to be stuck with a baby afterwards?
I am having an out of money experience.
Just saw my parents having sex. That’s the last time I go onto that website.
When you see a picture of my kids and it’s captioned “The reason I wake up every day” it’s not me being sweet. It’s the truth, I literally cannot sleep-in with these little heathens in the house.
BOOGEYMAN: lauraaaaa…wake up I’m gonna EAT YOU
ME: [wakes up] finally
BOOGEYMAN: what?
ME: let’s do this
BOOGEYMAN: it’s not fun if you want it
ME: look buddy either eat me or get out i have to be up in an hour
BOOGEYMAN: s..sorry [leaves]
[funeral]
Her: why is my dead grandfather wearing a diamond ring?
*sliding it off his finger*
Me: *gets down on one knee* because babe…
This family attached a microphone to their 4 year old and the result was adorable ❤️
Doctors who expect me to pee on command, I’m not some kind of stunt pee-er, you know.
If a huge bird swooped down and snatched my infant I’m not sure if I’d scream, “my god, my baby!” or “Honey, Honey, get the bird book!”
Me: Why is a squid throwing away all my stuff?
Calamarie Kondo: What
Wasted my annual good hair day at work again this year.
freezing my eggs so i can chuck em at his house later
Them: “let me know if i’m ever annoying you”
Me: *10 seconds later “ok… well this is awkward”
This guy must really want to impress me with his endurance skills. Because when I asked if he wanted a ride, he said “No thanks I’ll walk”
[pinned down by sniper fire]
Squad leader: I’m going in. Hughes, lay down some cover for me
Me [putting a blanket on the floor]: you betcha
My mispronunciation of French words is a touché subject.
The family that dives into an active volcano together stays together.
Sometimes I break into hives. But only because I hate bees.
I just found out my twin brother and I were switched at birth.
What do you mean you don’t know what Care Bear would win in a fist fight? Get off me, this sex is over.
Border Security Idea: Make the door to Mexico too small for sombreros.
kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*
Giving someone a tour of a company I don’t work at and describing every single employee as “our lion tamer”
I’m not saying that I haven’t slept for a while, but could you kindly ask your eyebrows to stop rearranging themselves on your face?